Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love ya, Tomorrow

Morning.

This whole "try not to get excited thing" is not working for me. 

I had my trigger shot yesterday afternoon.  I hardly even felt it so that was a bonus.  Of course later last night and this morning, I have a pretty tender hienie.  The injection site is definitely a little sensitive this morning.  And in true CourtneyAnna fashion, I bumped it into the doorknob of my bathroom door this morning... at 5am.  OUCH.

Tomorrow is the big insemination day.  I am excited, anxious, and quite honestly, a little scared.  After tomorrow, non of these procedures will be covered (see my rant port about Mr. Pawlenty.)  I mean, I am totally willing to pay for the IUI but something just feels right about this time.  I can't really place my finger on it.  Robert and I had a long talk last night and he is a little nervous about his morning date with a cup.  :-)
And it just stinks because everything is on such a time schedule: Fill the cup at 7:30, be to the lab by 8:00, wait an hour, pick it up at 9, keep it warm in my hand, walk it over to Dr. S. and then voila!
I talked the tech when I went in for my trigger shot and she said 2 follicles are definitely better than 1.  So I guess that is a the upside!  I am have been praying constantly and thinking good thoughts.  And, a saying that has kept me going this week: "We want sticky babies!"  Thanks for the pep talks B!
After the insemination, I will have to wait a week, and then go in for blood tests.  If the blood tests are where they are supposed to be, I will go in a week after that for a pregnancy test.  All this hurry up and wait business!  UGH!

I supposed I better open up the office now!  Keep the prayers coming!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord.  "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

~Courtney

Trigger shot??

Hey all!

I don't have time for a super long post but I figured I would update you on what happened at my appointment today.

I had ANOTHER internal u/s.  We saw that I have 2 awesome follicles!  YAY!  We also discovered that my cervix is like uber long (how is that possible? I am 5 feet tall for the crying out the window!) and maybe Robert's little swimmers aren't getting where they need to be.  So....... Dr. S suggested a "wash and spin" and for all of you who aren't "down with the TTC lingo" that is TTC for insemination.

I have to go in at 4pm today to have a hormone trigger shot.  Hopefully that will get me all ready to go for the insemination on Friday morning.  I am sure Robert is just pleased to peaches about having to do it in a cup, but whatever it takes right!  I had to go in post coital this morning and that was difficult.  I won't go into too much detail but I was tired, Robert was tired, and it was quite a struggle.  Let's just say it was the opposite of romantic lovemaking. :-)

I am really keeping my fingers crossed.  After the 1st of the year, none of these treatments will be covered by insurance anymore so I am praying that this is our month.  I even treated myself to Chinese take out for lunch and my fortune says, "An unexpected event will soon make your life exciting."  Is that a good omen?  Is the unexpected surprise twins?  Please God let this work out.  I have been praying with all my might lately.
Praying for me, praying for friends, praying for people everywhere that struggle with the heartbreaking road of TTC.

I am a little nervous for the shot since I heard they give it to you in your behind.  Yowza! And then I even have to walk around the grocery store!  How come every time I have an OB appointment, it always seems like it is a day that I need to go to the grocery store!  Grr.

Please send lots of prayers and good vibes this way!  Hopefully we will get our New Year's miracle!

~Courtney

What did I get for Christmas? An HSG.....

Evening everyone!

I am being kind of a lazy butt today and I wasn't going to post until tomorrow but I have so much to tell that I didn't think I could fit it all in!

I had my hystosalpingogram on Wednesday.  All I can say is that anyone who thinks that does not hurt, must have their nerve endings deadened from being so stupid.   That was THE most painful thing that has ever happened to me thus far in my 25 years on this planet.  Number one, the nurse who was there with me, was a complete pain in the ass.  She was crabby and rude and I wasn't really having that.  Second, the room was like something out an alien movie.  It looked like they were going to remove my spleen to sell it on the black market.
Dr. Sebastian was as gentle as he could possibly be, but as my luck would have it, my right fallopian tube was 100% blocked.  They were able to remove the blockage completely, which I realize is a good thing, but man alive!  That hurt so incredibly bad!  I am not really a crier when it comes to pain, but I was bawling like a baby.  To make matters worse, when I stood up off the table, I gushed blood all the way down to my feet!  I had to have the nurse's aid scrub the blood off the bottoms of my feet.  It was mortifying.  Dr. S did say that he would be surprised if I did not get pregnant this cycle.  I appreciate his support, but I just can't allow myself to get all excited about it.  I don't want to get my hopes up and then be crushed again.  But if you can keep your fingers crossed and send your prayers my way, I would appreciate it!

On to Christmas:
Ahhh.... my favorite holiday.  I absolutely adore Christmas and I really did it big this year.  As you know, I hosted this year.  I spent all day on Friday cleaning, and cooking, and setting up the house just perfect.  We had our table dressed with gold chargers, lined with red and gold Christmas balls, and all of our home cooked food was displayed beautifully.  And and I proud to report that my first ham turned out DELICIOUSLY!  I was so happy!  It was moist and yummy!  Having all of my brothers and their girlfriends here was so special.  I had to stop myself from crying more than once!  We had dinner, opened presents, played the dice game, and had the all important iChat with my parents.  Sandymom was teary eyed, of course.  She really missed us.  Both my dad and Sandymom were excited to see us all together. 
In the early evening, the kids took off to do girlfriend family things, and Dan, Robert, my youngest brother Joel and I hung out and relaxed the rest of the evening.  I make some CDs, iTunes'd, and snacked on ham.

Christmas day we went to my mom and Ken's.  Ken made smiley face pancakes; my favorite.  We opened presents, watched movies, and then went to my grandma's.  My grandma makes the BEST ham in 5 counties.  I always look forward to it.  This is the first year that my whole family has been together in over 20 years.
My uncle Glenn is home from Colorado.  He went through a rough divorce, and it battling with alcoholism.  He is currently in out patient treatment and is sober.  We are all very proud of him.  My cousin Joshua, who is 10, said grace at dinner this year.  He is a very sensitive kid and has the most kind soul.  After we all said our normal grace, Joshua said, "And thank you God for bringing Uncle Glenn home and please help guide him on life's new journey."  There was not a dry eye at the table.  He is such a great kid.  My uncle appreciated it so much.  It made Christmas really special to have us all together.

Sunday was spent on my butt.  I had been running around for weeks so it was nice to take a day and sit in my pajamas.  I watched 4 movies, looked at the paper, watched the hockey game, and went to bed early.  Obviously I needed it because I slept like a rock!!  Haha

Speaking of hockey, the game is on and it is tied at the end of the 2nd period, so I better pay attention!  Back to work tomorrow.... :-(

~Courtney

Walkin' in a winter wonderland.

Well, it is blizzard like conditions here in good old Northern Minnesota.  It took Robert and I over an hour to dig out the vehicles.  LAME.  I am praying our office closes early since the weather is predicting to add 10 more inches to the already foot of snow we have on the ground.

I had a pretty decent weekend.  Helen came over on Saturday afternoon.  We made my Granny's Snowy Fudge and some Oreo Truffles.  They both turned out DELICIOUS!  My Granny used to make me Snowy Fudge for Christmas every year.  It is this wonderful peanut butter fudge that is awesomely sweet and always tasted amazing because my Granny made it.  When she passed away in 2008, the thought of it really bummed me out.  I miss her immensely.  I decided that since I was hosting Christmas for my brothers this year, I should try my hand at making some.  It came out PERFECTLY.  It looked and tasted just like Granny's. 

As you can see, me and my brothers tore into it.  Guess I will just have to make more for Christmas Eve! :-)

This weekend was special because I also got to see the kids.  I have not seen G and Bean since May 30th.  This is the longest I have ever gone without seeing them.  I won't go into the whole long drawn out story, since I already spilled my guts about that on a previous post, but I have missed those two so much.

Dan and I were out delivering Christmas goodies and I decided to bite the bullet and drop off the kid's Christmas presents.

I tried to bring them to my aunt's house, but no one was home.  I figured my cousin would be out and about so I could just drop them off in her porch.  Well, surprise surprise.  They were home.  I felt queasy as I knocked on the door. 

E was surprised to see me, but was very cordial.  She called the kids downstairs and they were so surprised.  They both jumped up and gave me huge hugs.  It took every ounce of strength in my body not to cry.  And then Bean says to me, "Are you taking us today?"  UGH. 

Gut punch. 

 I wished I was taking them with me.  I would have loved to pack them up and see a movie, and play video games, and get some ice cream.  "No," I told her.  "Not today. Hopefully soon."

I watched them open their gifts, and made menial small chat with E.  I wished them all a Merry Christmas and got the tightest hugs in the world from the kids.  I almost lost it when I heard them yell, "I love you!" I could barely choke out an "I love you too...."

I made it to the car and that is when the flood gates opened.  I sobbed so hard my chest rocked.  Thank goodness Dan was there to comfort me or I would have been a mess.  I am sure the kids know I love and miss them with every fiber of my being. 

I spent the rest of Sunday getting the Christmas plan together, and watching movies.  It was nice to have some R & R time with my honey.

I have a short work week this week and my hystosalpingogram tomorrow.  I am kind of antsy about it.  I have had so many things poked and prodded lately that it is starting to wear on me.  Some big wig reproductive endocrinologist from the Mayo is coming to participate.  I just love being a medical anomaly.... not.

I also want to send out lots of hugs and positiveness to my friend B.  She lost her dog this week and I want to make sure she gets lots of hugs!

Have a good week everyone.  :-)

~Courtney

Just my luck.

Defective.

That is how I feel sometimes.  Like I am damaged, but the thing is, I can't be returned for a new model; or refurbished to work better.  I am sure you are wondering what brought this on....

I received my fertility monitor yesterday.  I was so excited.  I could finally begin this new step in our TTC journey.  The way these monitors work is that you put in the batteries and then you don't turn it on or set the monitor until you want to set "the window." The window the the 6 hour time frame in the morning that you will need to perform a test.  I am up relatively early, so I was going to push the button at 6am this morning, which meant I could test between 3am and 9am on the days the monitor required a test. 

I spent a good hour or so last night studying the manual, making sure I knew exactly how it would work, and getting very excited to try it out.  I woke up this morning, put the batteries in, and hit the "ON" button.  The light flashed like it said and then some random icons popped up, and it immediately shut off.  Uh... OK, let's try that again.  So I pushed the "ON" button again.  Same thing.  "Well WTF?"  I thought to myself.  I just assumed I was doing it wrong and decided to call the company helpline.  I talked to a Dierdre at customer service and she determined that the icons that were popping up were alerting me that the unit was in fact, defective.  REALLY?!  Of course it is another road block.  Of course, the unit is defective.  Only happens to me, I swear!
I contacted Amazon.com and they are sending me a new one, and hopefully it works properly.  I know this isn't really a major issue, but it is just another thing that doesn't go right.  And especially when you are having difficulties TTC, you feel like a complete failure sometimes.  Like all these other women are just getting knocked up left and right, and I can't.  Like there is something wrong with me.  Isn't it my God given right to have kids?  Forget the right to bear arms, I want to bear children!

Amazon assures me that the new monitor will arrive tomorrow.  Let's hope they are right.
~Courtney

Are you deaf?

What a complete pain in the butt. 
So, I got word that I have all this money in my FSA that I need to spend before the year is out.  OK, great.  Then, I found out that the fertility monitor that Dr. S wants me to buy is covered.  Even more great. 
I spent all day Sunday going to Target, Walgreens, Walmart, everywhere, looking for it.  No one sells it in stores.
So when I got home, I went online and tried to buy it there.  For some reason, my flex card kept getting denied.  ANNOYING.
When I got to work yesterday, I asked our CFO if she knew anything about why my card was declined online.  She said she would check on it.  I got an email about 20 minutes later, that the card company requests that I call them.  OK FINE.

I call the company and I get this overly bubbly woman to deal with.  She asks me what I was trying to do.  I told her I was attempting to buy a fertility monitor and it was being denied.  I don't know if she just wasn't listening to me, or just wanting to be a pain, but she was like, "What were you trying to buy?" I say again, "a fertility monitor." "What?" Oh my gosh really..... "IT IS A FERTILITY MONITOR."
I felt like I had shouted the words to her. I loved announcing to all those near me that I have a failing womb.  Thanks lady.
She then checked and yes, lo and behold, it is covered (I file that under "Things I already knew for $500, Alex.")
I did find out that I would have to pay for it and request a reimbursement.  Fine.  I had already planned for that. 
As I am about to end the call with Senorita Pain is the Ass, she says, "Hey, so what is this monitor supposed to do then?"  Um... no.  We are not having this conversation.  Is she really asking me this right now? As my first reaction was to let this broad have it with both barrels, I bit my tongue and said, "It helps chart and show ovulation.  Thanks for your help."
End call.
I hate that fact that these companies feel like they can just ask you anything they want.  If it is covered, and it is MY employee contributions into the flex, it is NUNYA.  Thanks lady.
On a good note though, I found the monitor on Amazon for like $80 cheaper AND I bough an extra box of test sticks AND I got free 2 day shipping.  Bonus.  Thank God, considering I need to start using it on the 17th.
I suppose I better open the office and get this day on the road.  Have a good Tuesday!
~Courtney

Baby it's cold outside

Cold is an understatement.  It is absolutely FRIGID outside today!  I love when my state makes the national news because a town not too far from me is -32 degrees today.  Thanks International Falls!  I was bundled up like the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man this morning.  Wool sweater, parka, ear muffs, gloves, and a scarf.  I could barely put my stinkin' arms down! 
We were supposed to get a snowmageddon type blizzard this weekend but then, out of sheer luck, the snow went right below us.  Whew!  I really didn't want 20 inches of snow.  Minneapolis on the other hand... they got a wallop!  The snow was so bad that it collapsed the roof of the Metrodome!  I can't believe I survived a Sunday without watching football. 

Robert and I got the rest of our Christmas shopping done.  It was so cold yesterday, but I had to fight through it!  I got my sister some pajamas from Vickie's (it is so fun shopping for someone who is an extra small.... not) I got my mom her gift card, and my brothers and their girlfriends some gift cards, made my Christmas food shopping list, wrapped some presents, and then watched the Wild lose miserably to the Ducks. 

So, Dr. Sebastian told me to get this fertility monitor that is supposed to help and track my hormone levels.  It is Clear Blue Easy and it is like $200.  Now, I am not worried about the cost and I just found out I have over $300 in my flex I need to burn through until the end of the year.  I thought to myself, "OK awesome.  I will just go pick one up and I can use it this cycle."  Negative.  Not Walgreens, not Walmart, not Target; no one carries it.  You have to order it online, but of course your flex card won't work online because of the shipping charge!  UGH!  I don't want to have to do a paper reimbursement before Christmas!  That defeats the whole purpose of a flex card!!  Grr.  I am going to call Sebastian today and see if he knows where there are some in town or else I am just going to have to wing it. 

Another busy Monday is off to a crazy start.  Have a good Monday everyone!

Let's get mushy

Hey guys!

So, work has been kind of slow today, which I am totally OK with.  I needed a little break.  I am teetering on a burn out. 

With everything going on lately, I am realizing more and more, how luck I am to have such an amazing husband.  Some girls get straddled with these complete losers and I am lucky enough to be blessed with Robert.
Earlier today, I was having a rough day because a client was giving me a hard time and I was talking to Robert about it and I got an email from him with the lyrics to, "When I'm 64" by the Beatles.  It was so sweet that I teared up.  It is an amazing feeling to be loved so wholly and completely. 

When we got married, our song was "Finally Forever" by Chris Cornell, and obviously the inspiration for my blog name.  It is such an amazing song and I just love it.  It always brings me back to the day that I became a Mrs. to the best man in the world.

On the silent night so out of place
I almost lost my nerve
When I saw you walk into my space
A woman like you I could not replace
And it took some patience to catch your eye
Patience to win your heart

Now it feels like I don't have to worry at all
It's finally forever

There's no hill I would not climb for you
No bridge I wouldn't cross
Not a moment passes in my life
That you're not on my mind
Together or apart
And it took some patience to catch your eye
Patience to win your heart

Now it feels like I don't have to worry at all
It's finally forever

Anytime you're lost
Anywhere you're found
Anytime you want
I will be around
Anywhere you seek
Anywhere you stand
Anytime you fall
Anywhere you limp
Even if you break
Anytime I can I will be there for you
I know that you'll understand
You'll understand

Now I never would have imagined this
So I thank my lucky stars
As I see you in your wedding dress
Never would have guessed you'd fill my open arms
And it took some patience to catch your eye
Patience to win your heart

Now it feels like I don't have to worry at all
Yeah it feels like I don't have to worry at all
Yeah it feels like I don't have to worry at all
It's finally forever
Finally forever

Isn't that just beautiful?  I just love my husband and I am so grateful that I will have him by my side as long as I walk on this earth.  I am sending lots of love and positivity into this world.
Have an amazing weekend everyone!  We are getting a blizzard here so I am cuddling in with that outstanding husband of mine and snuggling all weekend!
~Courtney 

Finally some good news!

Whew.  I can finally breathe a slight sigh of relief!  I had my appointment with Dr. S this morning, and to say I was anxious about it would be the understatement of the century.  I could barely sleep.  Then I was fidgety all morning.  I just kept thinking to myself, "Please, please, please.  This HAS to be the day that I can finally get a step forward instead of all these giant leaps back."

When I got to his office, I just had a good feeling.  I can't really explain it, but it was very calming.  The nurse came and got me and I was taken to my usual room.  How sad is that?  I am there so much that I have a "usual" room.  Any how, Doc came in with his handy, dandy internal ultrasound and we started the exam.  I don't think I will get over how uncomfortable those things are.  I felt like he was going to poke it out of my belly button!
I was barely breathing, thinking he was going to say, "the cyst is still a behemoth.  Take some more birth control."  But then it came.  SUCCESS!  My cyst had shrunk to  nearly nothing and I could start the Letrozole next week!  I can't fully tell you how amazing that moment was.  I just cried out of sheer joy.  I finally felt like we were getting somewhere.

After I hopped off the table and got dressed, he came in to discuss the plan.  I am going to start the Letrozole next week, during my cycle, and then on Dec. 22, I go in for a hysterosalpingogram.  What a mouth full huh?  Basically, they are going to put a catheter in my lady station and give my fallopian tubes a little dye rinse.  Like a radiator flush for the lady business.  It is going to be rather painful I am told, but I am willing to do anything.  And besides, I get a pregnancy test that morning so if I am pregnant by the 22nd, who knows!  Maybe I won't even need it!  I am trying to stay really positive here.  Then I have another appointment on the 29th for a post coital ultrasound.  Fun.  Needless to say, Robert is not going to like the uber scheduled sex.  "Wake up honey!  It is sex-thirty!"

I am really trying to stay optimistic here.  This is the first round of good news I have had.  It also made it so nice when I called my dad and he was so happy.  He said it made it day.  That statement completely made my day as well.  Love you, Dad.

So everyone out there, keep your fingers crossed, your prayers prayin', and your good vibes coming!
~Courtney

Has anyone seen my motivation?

Monday morning is here again.  How come the weekends are zooming by so quickly? 

I have been doing a lot of thinking since we are coming to the end of 2010.  I thought for sure I would be pregnant by now.  When Robert and I first starting trying, we thought that 2010 would be our year.  Either we would become parents, or on our way to being parents.  Here we are in December, and we are no closer to that dream.  I know I have been thinking about it way too much lately.  Almost letting it consume every minute of my thoughts.  Doctors, theologists, and just about everyone else says that you need to just quit thinking about it and it will happen.  Yea, right.  I will try not to think about the giant pink elephant in my living room either.  Anyway, I have been trying to get my mind off of it.  I throw myself into work, and Christmas, and my home.  I am chairperson for our annual fundraiser, I am taking on extra work, things around my house are getting done with more gusto than usual, and I am awesomely ahead of the game on the Christmas front. 
Also, when you are TTC, your sex life kind of turns into an assignment.  There is set times, dates, and a purpose.  The spark almost goes out of it.  And of course nothing is more romantic than a reminder popping up on your outlook telling you to do the nasty with your hubby.  HOT.
So last night, I lit some candles, played some nice music, and really made it romantic.  And let me tell you ladies, it was wonderful.  I have to try and remember that this is just as hard on Robert and we all need a little a little TLC everyone once and a while.

I have a busy week coming up, but right smack dab in the middle, is my appointment with Dr. Sebastian on Wednesday.  The constant state of "hurry up and wait" is enough to drive a person bonkers.  I did get a bright spot though.  Some of my appointments were coded differently and will still be covered as of 2011.  Hopefully Sebastian will finagle things for me. :-)

Now all I need is a little get up and go this morning and I will be just fine.  Considering it is a Monday  and I work at a non-profit law firm, I am sure it will be insanity.  Thank goodness for the candy cane I swiped my the office candy bowl.  A little peppermint will do some good.

Have a good Monday all!
~Courtney

This is gonna be a rant.....

I am just going to tell you now that I am beyond furious and this will be a short, little rant.  If you don't want to hear it, I suggest you don't continue to read.

Everyone who knows me, knows that I am a raging Democrat with some conservative tendencies.  Here in Minnesota, we have the world's worst governor, Tim "T-Paw" Pawlenty.  He is a republican waste of space and I can't stand that thought that he is somewhere in my state, breathing my good air.  Earlier this year, T-Paw got the brilliant idea to cut GMAC, General Assistance Medical Care.  GMAC is the medical care you get through the county, the welfare health care plan.  People living on Social Security, or a fixed income of another kind, rely on this health care to take care of them.  Well, good old T-Paw didn't like that idea.  I mean, do poor people really deserve health care?  Not in T-Paw's eyes.  So he slashed it.  Obviously there was some uproar about this as hundreds of thousands of people were now going to lose their health care coverage.  Being the obviously generous guy that he is, T-Paw relented and decided that GMAC would be accepted at four, yep... only FOUR hospitals in the STATE.  And all of them are in the Twin Cities area. 

So, if these people can't pay a health care premium, how on earth are the going to afford commuting to Minneapolis/St. Paul?  They answer?  They can't.  And even if they could, GMAC at these four hospitals won't cover preventative care, just an emergency.  So let's say you have pink eye.  Easily diagnosed, cured with a topical antibiotic.  No more running into your primary doctor, who you trust, for a quick appointment and prescription; now, you have to travel to the cities, wait for hours in the emergency room, and then see someone for five minutes to write you the same prescription.  And as we all know, emergency rooms visits cost WAY for than preventative care.  Way to go, Governor.

I know I have a way of making a long story even longer, but it was all of that to say this.  Recently, renewals for my company's health insurance was coming due again.  We are currently with Health Partners and the coverage is great.  We pay a hefty sum for it, but our employer pays a lot more.  Our insurance has been a life saver, especially with our TTC troubles.  Last week, our Executive Director sent out and email that stated that the State of Minnesota and the insurance companies decided to put some "exclusions" on coverage now.  Some of the 2011 exclusions are:
Treatment for Sleep Apnea
Correction of TMJ
Acupuncture
Weight Loss Surgery
And........
.............................. any and all infertility treatments.
Yep.  No more coverage.  It doesn't matter that I pay out the ass for coverage, just, NOPE. No coverage for you.
I became so enraged and sad.  What were were gonna do?  Without treatment, I am not sure my body can sustain a pregnancy.  I called the insurance company to delve further into the issue.  And you know what the company and the state told me?  It was "not medically necessary to have children, it is an elective."

::Insert steam coming out of my ears here::

Robert and I's only option is private pay.  Average cost of a year of fertility treatments?  $15,000.  I sure don't have that laying around.  An internal ultrasound? $1,100. 

Now, can anyone really sit there and say we don't need health care reform?  I am a hard working American, that pays for private care, and I am told that it is an "elective" to expand my family.  Seriously?  So basically, your lady parts have to be in 100% working order, or you have to be rich to have kids.  There is obviously no gray area here.  EPIC FAIL.

Now I am sitting here, plotting what I can do for the next month.  Do I go off the prescribed birth control and risk getting sick?  Do I put myself at risk?  We all know I would do that in a heartbeat.  I go to see Sebastian on the 8th, for what will probably be my last appointment.  I am going to beg him for the Clomid and Letrozole, just so I have it.  I can monitor myself.  I am a nurse by training so it shouldn't be too hard.  The bottom line is, health care in this country is an absolute joke.  I am at a loss of what my next step is, but hopefully I can get some help/answers on the 8th.

Thanks for having an ear, or not.  Until tomorrow......
~Courtney

Where have I been?

Well hello there!

So much has been going on since we last spoke!  I had my big trip to North Carolina to visit my parents, and let me tell you; I would move there in a heart beat!  The weather was 75 degrees and sunny the entire time I was there.  And for those of us living in Minnesota, there was an ice storm at home while I was gone.  Can't say that I am sad I missed it!  Haha!  It was difficult to be away from Robert for 6 days, but my parents were thrilled to have me and I was thrilled to see them.  We saw and did a lot of things while I was there.  We walked around outside a lot which I absolutely loved.

This is Bass Lake in Holly Springs, N.C.  The sunset on the lake was so spectacular:

Also, North Carolina rarely sees snow and even if it gets a measly inch, all banks, schools, everything... completely closes!  I couldn't believe it.  Even though they rarely get snow, they have a fascination about it.  Thus, Snow in a Can... yep, it's real....

We also went walking around the Civil War battleground of Bentonville.  It was quite an experience.  It was a moving experience just knowing you were walking on hallowed ground.  Everywhere you looked, you could imagine what people had been through, see, and heard there.  An old southern house is on the site.  It is called Harper House.  A doctor lived there and he and his children saw the 20,000 Confederate troops coming face to face, outnumbered, to the 60,000 Union troops.  I couldn't imagine seeing that carnage.

I have more pictures I haven't posted yet, but here is one of the placards:



I had to keep that one big so you could see it all. :-)

While in the South, I had my first taste of real Carolina BBQ.  We went to a place called Allen and Sons and had some pulled pork, slaw, and my very first hush puppy.  Now, I had no idea what on earth a hush puppy even was, but man oh man.... it was DELISH!  I mean, what is not to love about deep fried corn bread?!



It was wonderful to spend quality time with Dad and Sandy.  It was relaxing and a lot of fun.  It was very hard to leave them when they brought me to the airport though.  I had told myself that crying was not an option; I didn't want to be "that girl".  You know the ones... the airport criers.  But alas, I sobbed anyway.  I got on my plane and came back to the frozen tundra of the Northland.  Even though is was snowy and freezing, I was really glad to be back.  When we were flying over Lake Superior, (in a 20 seater plane... ick) it looked so beautiful:



Robert and Dan were excited to see me too.  I really missed my boys, and my doggaughter, Eve.  Speaking of my canine child, isn't she adorable?

I know this post seems like rambling, but I just had so much to tell!  I haven't be able to post for a while!

And also, I had my internal ultrasound the day before I left for my trip.  Again, the cyst isn't small enough.  Another round of birth control and if it doesn't shrink, they want to cut it out through my belly button.... ick.  I really hope it doesn't come to that.  And to top it off, as of January 2011, insurance companies wont cover fertility treatments so now I have to pray I get grandfathered in.  Grrr..  I go in again Dec. 8 for yet another internal ultrasound.  It is super hard to stay positive when every single appointment has me leaving with suede wrapped packs of birth control.  Oxymoron much?!

The bright spot on the horizon is Christmas.  I ADORE Christmas.  And with my dad and Sandy no longer living here, it is my duty to make it special for my brothers.  They are all coming over on Christmas Eve and I am going to make a big dinner, and open presents, and I even got them all stockings.  :-)  Needless to say I am feeding my urge to nurture with these guys!  Dan and I spent the weekend Christmas-a-fying the house!  I even brought back 50 Magnolia leaves to use as gift tags on presents!  They look to pretty!



Well, I suppose that is enough rambling.  Oh yea, and we are in the middle of a giant snowstorm today..... EPIC FAIL.

~Courtney

I fro-ed up.

Exhausted.

That is about the only word I can use to sum up this weekend. On Friday it was forecasted that Minnesota was going to get a giant snowstorm. Great. I understand I live in Northern Minnesota but that doesn't necessarily mean I love to frolic in the fluffy, white stuff every year.
After work on Friday we made a mad dash to the grocery store and decided to batten down the hatches and settle in for the weekend.
I spent all of Saturday cleaning out the closet and scrubbing the bedroom from top to bottom. I was able to pack 2 bags full of clothes to donate to Good Will. I decided that if I hadn't worn something in 6 months, it was outta here. It was quite liberating actually. One of the deciding factors when I bought my house was the closet. It is a giant walk-in closest that is 10 feet long and 7 feet deep. And let me tell you, I have that mother full! I thought I was doing really well on the garment purge until I realized I still had 2 dressers full, and my entire closet. Oh well. At least it was organized.
My aunt called me and wanted me to watch Max for the night. How could I say no? He is the best kid ever. I was super pumped he was coming for a slumber party! Robert went out to the store and bought all the stuff for ice cream sundaes and Max was bringing "How to Train your Dragon."
We had a great dinner. Robert and Dan made sloppy joes, I made Mac and Cheese for Max.
Then we got on our jammies, made ice cream treats, and snuggled in for the movie.
At 10pm... I put Max in his bed, and I climbed in mine, and it was off to dreamland. I worked at group homes for several years so I sleep very lightly. At midnight, I heard Max start to cry. I asked him what was wrong, and his response? "I fro-ed up."
I sat straight up and the smell hit me like a ton of bricks. Ice cream and mac and cheese.... ugh... the dairy.
I helped him off his bed, stripped the sheets, and immediately put them in the wash. Hottest water setting possible.
I washed him up, gave him some tummy medicine, and he said he felt better.
I put clean sheets on the bed, and he snuggled in again.

Fast forward: 20 minutes later.

I hear Max start to cry again. So, like deja vu, I asked, "What's the matter honey?"
Here it comes: "I fro-ed up again...."

I once again got out of bed, and stripped the vomit covered sheets. At this point, he was running a fever so I knew I had to call me aunt. Poor kid.

We got him cleaned up, new load of sheets in the wash, and went to the living room to wait for his mommy.
We were smart and grabbed him a bucket this time, which he proceeded to use...... twice.
He was excited when mommy got there and Robert and I were now wide awake. It was 2am.
We decided to go in the den and watch a little TV. At 3am, we decided to try and get some shut eye.
Some of you may not know this, but sometimes, Robert snores like a freight train. Like open mouth, suck snoring.
So there I lay, in bed, tossing and turning. Robert was snoring away. I laid there until 4am. With no sign of sleep in sight, I grabbed my pillow and blanket, and stomped downstairs.
Fine, I thought to myself. I will just sleep on the couch. At least it is quiet here. Yea, um...not. I slept for all of 30 minutes until I could hear Robert's snoring all the way from upstairs, and then, get this, my dog started to snore.
Now walking around feeling like an exhausted zombie, I once again packed up my bed roll, and plodded to the den in the basement. I at this point, abandoned all hope of sleep so I just proceeded to watch movies. I had made it through "The Untouchables" and "Blow" before Robert awoke from his wonderful slumber.

I was completely exhausted for the whole day on Sunday. And then, to add the cherry on the top of my misery, the Vikes lost to the stinkin' bears! ::groan::
I actually looked forward to work today. I just have to get through today and tomorrow, and then I am officially on vacation until the 29th. I am beyond excited! And I am North Carolina bound on Thursday. I am so excited to see my parents!
Later,
~Courtney

Like a knife through butter....

That is what the tension is like at work today. There was a board meeting last night and it looks like there will be some big changes coming our way. Yippee! Not... I am totally dreading the staff meeting today. I am sure there will be a lot of people shutting themselves in their offices today.
I am ultra glad for my vacation coming up now! Haha.
One week from today I will be in sunny North Carolina. I can't wait to see my dad and Sandy! I am sure I will get off the airplane and cry like a baby. I am a daddy's girl and I miss my dad like crazy.
And it is also a week until my appointment with Sebastian... send me your positive vibes! I need this cyst to shrink!!
Since there is a zillion and one things to do today, I wanted to make this a quick post.
Later lovers!
~Courtney

Tuesday..... already?

Morning!

Well, it was a wonderful weekend to say the least. Women Rock was an astounding success. It was our biggest event yet! There was so many people there and the all around vibe was overwhelming. I was actually brought to tears with the outpouring of love I felt that day. With Sandymom being a breast cancer survivor, this event always hits me in the heart strings. I am so proud of her for kicking cancer's butt. Not a day goes by that I don't feel lucky that she was as strong as she was.
We had great volunteers and surprisingly, warm weather! That is pretty unusual for Northern Minnesota in November.
It was a great day, but I was wiped out! I was on my feet all day and running around making sure everything was just right. My friends Leah and Melissa volunteered for me and they really rocked the house!

After the long day, I went to Leah and enjoyed some yummy Chinese take out (the L14 Mixed Vegetable with garlic from Beijing is to die for!) and some wine. It was a much needed chill session.

Sunday was spent being a seriously lazy ass. I know I could have done a million things on Sunday, but it was the first day in weeks that I could just relax. Robert and I watched the Vikes game. What a freakin' nail biter! UGH, and I am so over Brad Childress as coach... he needs his walking papers.
Then we watched the final two Blade movies. They were Wesley Snipes cheesy, but they were OK.

I am in my insomniac cycle lately. I fall asleep easily, but then I am up every hour. It is seriously annoying. Especially with the holidays and my trip coming up, I need all the sleep I can get. I am going to try and pop a Unisom tonight and see if that helps.
Perhaps it is my subconscious nerves. I have my appointment with Dr. Sebastian next week. This is the appointment to see if the birth control has shrunk the cyst enough to start the Clomid. I am keeping everyone of my fingers crossed and praying constantly, because this whole taking birth control AND prenatal vitamins, is an oxymoron that I don't particularly care for. I am getting better about relaxing about the whole situation though. And I am really trying to curb all my stresses. In fact, I made a command decision that will curb a bunch of my holiday stress.
Usually on Christmas Eve, we go to my Aunt K's house. Well, obviously with all the family drama of this past year, I have decided that even if Robert and I are in invited, we will not attend. It would just be too hard and I don't want to spend my holiday uncomfortable. Instead, I will take Sandymom's place and make a big family dinner. I have already talked to Dan, Robert and Nick about it, and they are all game. I am going to make a ham, potatoes, homemade pies, the whole nine yards. We are going to have our own family Christmas. I will do everything like Sandy did. I will get everyone stockings, and fill them with candy and tooth paste. Stepping into that matriarch role is frightening, and I have big shoes to fill, but I know I can do it.
I am getting really excited for Christmas now. I have a plan and for those who know me, you know I must have a plan! Haha.

I suppose I better do some more work (or online shopping.... I haven't really decided!) talk to you soon!
~Courtney

It has been forever!

Hello there!

I haven't posted in a few days because I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off! On Friday, Robert and I drove down to the cities for the weekend. Traffic was a nightmare as per usual, but we made it there by 8pm, which is all I can ask for. His parents were excited to see us. We also decided that since my parents knew what was going on, we would let them in on our TTC troubles. It is always hard telling someone when you are having an issue with this. I mean, I know it happens, but it is a complete downer. And I really hate feeling like I am bumming people out.
His mom was amazing. She seemed to completely get how I was feeling, and even let us know that she too had a pregnancy loss before Robert was born. I am glad that all the parents are in the loop. Robert and I are blessed with amazing parents and it will be nice to have a lot of support in the coming months.

We called it an early night on Friday. It is really exhausting to work a full day and then get in the car and drive for 2 hours! On Saturday, we ran to Target to get some last minute costume things. I got a cool head band, earrings, and cute little shoes on clearance! I loved it. We grabbed some lunch at Chili's (which we don't have in Duluth) and Robert and I split some SERIOUSLY delicious fajitas. I was really surprised.

Saturday night we had our big Halloween party. Robert's friend's threw a big bash and it was a really good time. I had offered to sober cab so Robert could have a good time with his guy friends, and well, he definitely had a good time!
Here is our costumes. We are a smokin' hot couple:

I do hate that you can see like all 8 of my chins though... wah wah wah.

Robert over imbibed at the party and by the time we got back to his parents house and laid down, he jumped outta bed, and vomited in an empty shoe box. HOT. He decided to sleep in the recliner, which was OK with me. At his parent's house we have to share a twin bed it is not the most comfortable thing.

We slept in a little bit on Sunday and then I drove home (Robert was still feeling a little under the weather haha).

We got home around 2pm and cleaned up a little bit so we could head over to my mom's. My mom had planned a little Halloween party for the family. She decorated the house and made lots of food. She even put her pulled pork rolls in a coffin:



She's adorable. Then we took the boys trick or treating. My little cousins are adorable! Here is a picture of Max as Dash from The Incredibles and Christian, he was a baseball player:



It was a really wonderful weekend, but I was so tired! I feel like I am still playing catch up.

Yesterday I busted butt getting ready for Women Rock! I can't believe it is almost here! Come Sunday I am going to be a walking zombie! I am sleepy just thinking about it.

I didn't realize this post was going to be this big, so I suppose I better get back to the grind!

~Courtney



It's a dog-eat-dog world.

Traumatic. That is how I explain yesterday.
I got a call at work that my baby (my 8 year old pure bred Pitbull) Eve, was refusing to stand. I was so nervous. She had a knee replacement in the spring and it was discovered that she had a degenerative knee disease that is similar to rheumatoid arthritis. The doc had told us that she would need her other knee replaced eventually, but we had no idea that it would be this soon.
I called her vet right away and they were able to get us in.
I left work and when I got home, she looked so sad. Talk about breaking my heart! I wrapped her in her sherpa blanket and Dan and I loaded her in the backseat.
Eve loves going for car rides but whether it is the vet, or the groomer, she hates them all.
When we got into our exam room, it was like 10,000 degrees in there. Her vet is really amazing, but there was a new nurse there and I swear, she was built like a Hungarian cattle herder. She was a beast. And she was really man handling Eve! I didn't like it one bit.
So of course, I am tearing up, and sweating, and Eve is looking at me like, "Get me outta here Mom!" I felt rotten to say the least.
Her surgery will cost $1400. We cant afford that right this minute with the holidays coming up but he said that we can do it after the first of the year. Hopefully we can get the extra dollars by then.
For now, she is on complete bed rest, pain meds, and a diet. Her vet said she is 5 lbs overweight so we need to cut down her food. When I gave her breakfast this morning, she stared at her bowl like I had barely given her anything. :-(
And now in the morning, in addition to the fish oil I already give her, I have to give her this liquid pain killer and antiinflammatory called Metacam. She most certainly did NOT like me squirting that stuff in her mouth. My coworker Lynn has left over Tramadal pain killers from when her dog was ill and she is going to give them to me. Those are little doggy narcotics that kill the pain and help her sleep at night. I checked with Dr. Daugherty about the Tramadal and he gave us the OK to give it to her.
Hopefully we can just keep her content and comfortable until her surgery. Keep your fingers crossed!
~Courtney

It is coming down in sheets

Rain, Rain, go away. Please don't come another day. It is pouring rain and freezing cold AGAIN today. The winter in Minnesota is upon us and I am not ready. I don't want snow, windshield scraping, and wet socks. It is supposed snow tomorrow and I am dreading it. Thank goodness I leave for my North Carolina vacation in 3 weeks! Holly Springs here I come!
I am still feeling blah but way better than yesterday. I went home and feel asleep at 2pm and basically slept all day. I got up enough to eat something so I could take the Metformin and watch a little bit of the Wild game, but I could barely stay awake.
Robert is feeling better too. Still kind of crappy but we are both at work today so that has to say something right?
Although I did exchange my dress shoes for my slippers and my contacts for my glasses today. I just need to be comfy!
I commissioned the boys to go to the grocery store for me tonight though. I am just too busy this week and I ALWAYS go, so tag! They're it!
Also, I find this weather is messing with my already wacky emotions. I am sure part of it is this stinkin' birth control I am on this month, but I cry at the drop of hat. One of my little guilty pleasures is I love the show "Boy Meets World". Don't ask me why, I just do.  Haha. Robert thinks my prepubescent addiction to this show is strange, but I just like it. Anyway, I was watching it yesterday (because, yes, I DVR it....) and there was an episode where Corey and Topanga babysat a neighbor's baby and they baby always cried and Topanga was able to get the baby to sleep and it was so cute and next thing I know.... I was crying. Yep.... bawling to TGIF. Really? Thanks a lot Fred Savage! I really hope I can get these crying spurts in control! Haha. How lame is that right?!
Well I suppose I better do more work now. Thank goodness the office is almost completely empty. I want to blast my ipod today. I need the lyrics baby.
~Courtney

Monday comes in with fever.

Morning.
Ohmygoodness... I feel like death warmed over today. I woke up about a zillion times last night and each time I was sweating and hot and feeling like crap.
This morning is no better. I have lots to do today and don't really have time to be sick. Mondays are crazy at work and I have to work on Women Rock afterwards so there really is no rest for the wicked.
I bet you are wondering what Women Rock is. Well, Women Rock is an annual event to raise money for breast cancer research. After Sandymom was diagnosed in 2007, we submerged ourselves in everything and anything breast cancer related. Women Rock takes place at our ski lodge and it is basically a pampering day for women and all the proceeds benefit the research. There is shopping, facials, massage, a chocolate fountain, tattoos, a silent auction, and a fashion show. It really is a great event! I look forward to it every year but it is a lot of hard work to get it just right.
I have to meet with the organizer Bonnie tonight and finish the baskets for the silent auction. We have some good stuff this year!

The rest of the weekend was pretty wonderful. Saturday was spent with Helen and we basically vegged out. We got some chips and salsa, 2 bottles of wine, and SATC 2. EPIC WIN. Then at night we took my sister Lisa, who was in from out of town, to the bar see the band. Even though all the new medications make me nauseated, there was fun had by all. My sister over imbibed and she was hilarious. And nothing beats a 2am Perkins breakfast right?!
Sunday was the chill day, which I DRASTICALLY needed. I watched 7 episodes of "One Tree Hill" on the DVR (yes, inside I am still a teenage girl that is lusting over James Lafferty), snuggled with my dog, ate cereal for breakfast (which is about the only thing that agrees with my stomach) and watched the Vikes lose, yet again.
I hit the hay early and woke up with the flu. Ick-a.
Well, lots to do today, I should probably get to it!
~Courtney

Train Day

Hello all,

Today is Mandatory Fun Day at work. Obviously the economy has given the legal aid programs a 1-2 punch so we are in dire need of a morale booster. My office decided to close early today (which is my definition of fun) and go on a train ride up our beautiful North Shore. We are going to have lunch and play games and then get to go home afterwards... I love it.
All families of staff is welcome and everyone is bringing their kids. Now, this could have been a time where I get all bummed out and have an awesome pity party, but I decided to go the other route. I called my aunt and decided to take my favorite little guy, Max. My aunt and uncle had Max later in life and he will probably be their only child. He is funny, smart, and a real neat kid to be around. He loves trains and I cherish the time we spend together. I mean, when you don't have a kid of your own, you just borrow one right? :-)

I'm really looking forward to some R and R this weekend. My sister and niece are coming in from Hudson because my sister's friend is giving birth. She was kind of in the same boat as me so this is a really exciting birth. I am sincerely happy for my sister's friend.
Then tomorrow, I think my sister, Robert, and I will out and watch my friend's band play. Nothing makes the weekend better than 80's rock baby!
I must also find time to clean the bedroom. We have been so busy lately that it looks like my closet threw up everywhere, and I really cant stand that.
Well, it is back to the grind!
~Courtney

Putting on the big girl pants

Hello starshine.

I decided that after my round of complete, and utter sadness yesterday, that I would put on my big girl pants and start this morning off with a new attitude. I put on my fiercest make up, teased my hair to heights that Tawny Kitaen would be jealous of, pushed my chest out and greeted the world with a giant bravado. I walked confidently into my office and hopefully that toughness will stick with me all day.
I must confess though, taking the birth control today, in addition to the Metformin, really bummed me out.
I have a busy week this week so hopefully I can keep my mind off of things.
Robert and I have to go to a joint birthday party for his friends on the 30th. Both of his friends will be the Dirty 30 and it is going to be a costume party as well.
I decided to revive an old costume from my younger days and I will be going as Nurse Feelmeup. It is an oldie, but a goodie. And it is cheap. I already have the lab coat, all I need is a mini skirt and fishnets. CLASSY. :-)
Robert and I are going to try and take our minds off things and go shopping for the Halloween items tonight. I am making his favorite dinner, and then I think we are going to hunker in and watch the Wild. Thank God for Mikko Koivu.... he is a fox!
~Courtney

Buttercream and tears......

Afternoon,

I am not going to lie to you,  I am very sad today. I try so hard to keep it together, but today, I crumbled.

I had my other internal ultrasound today, and was supposed to start the Clomid so we can get going on this whole baby making thing, but, my body had other plans.
When I went in the first time, there was a golf ball sized cyst on my left ovary. Obviously that was the biggest factor in the PCOS diagnosis. After seeing that, I was to go home, have my period, and then I was going to come in on the 5th day of my cycle (today) and then check to make sure the cyst had shrunk. Well, it did shrink, but not enough. It is not malignant or anything, but if it doesn't shrink, and I was to get pregnant, I run the risk of getting very sick.
So, unfortunately I cannot start the Clomid, and get this?! I have to take birth control for the next month to try and shrink the cyst. Um, can I just say that I do not appreciate the irony here. Then, I have to go back in on November 17th, the day before I leave on my vacation, to see if the cyst has gotten any smaller, then I could start the Clomid.
Ya know, to a normal person, a month is a short amount of time, but to a couple TTC, it seems like an eternity.
As soon as Dr. Sebastian told me I would have to take birth control, I started crying. I couldn't believe we had to overcome yet another road block. I got in my car and cried all the way to work (with a supplemental diet coke stop in the interim). I pulled myself together in the car and I thought I would be just fine. I came in, sat down, and one of my favorite co-workers, Lynn came up and said, "How did it go?"

Cue the waterworks.

She saw my eyes well up and immediately brought me to her office. And then I let go. I cried so hard (yet quietly, since I was still at work) and she just hugged me. I told what the doctor said, and she said the very right things I needed to hear: "I am really sorry and that really sucks." Yes, it does suck. I know I will be fine tomorrow and I will get my strength up and I will face this new hurdle with gusto but right now, this really, and truly bites the big one. I was able to regain my composure and the rest of the morning has been going OK.
I just wish I didn't feel like my body was failing me! I just want it to function properly!
And to make matters worse, as I walked out of the doctor's office, some chick was walking towards the building and she was out-to-there pregnant and SMOKING! I could have rang her neck. I had to quell my desire to smack her in the face. How can she take that life for granted!?

A friend of mine, and baker of my wedding cakes, is opening a shop and deli a block away from my office. I walked down there on lunch and she must have just known something was up. She immediately handed me a spoon with a nice dollop of chocolate ganache buttercream..... mmmm. So yes, I ate a blob of buttercream for lunch, don't judge me. :-) I am pretty sure Eileen's buttercream could make anyone's day brighter.

I know I will suck it up and beat this hurdle like I do everything else, but still, I am sad today.
~Courtney

This girl is wiped out

I haven't posted in a couple days! I have been back and forth to Aitkin for work, and it really took a lot out of me!
We had to go up to Aitkin County and talk to clients and providers to get their feelings and suggestions about legal services. Oh man. It was a lot of work but it was nice to sit down with clients and see how they are feeling about what we do and how we can help them better.
Working for a legal aid is very rewarding, but extremely stressful.
I was on the road at 6:30am both days and I put in 12 hour days, including 3 hours of that on the highway. I actually fell asleep at 8pm last night.
And on Tuesday, before I left, Robert's car died. UGH. I had picked it up from the tire place since we had just paid $200 for new tires and when I got home, the car wouldn't even start.
I called my mechanic, who came and towed it, and lo and behold, it was the alternator. Now the car is at the shop and will be done today... after I pay $330. Grr.... as if we aren't paying out enough money right now? At least his car will be all set to handle another Minnesota winter.

I have an appointment with Dr. Sebastian on Monday. I was supposed to start my period tomorrow, but it surprised me by starting at 4:45am when I got up to go to Aitkin yesterday. Oh joy.
I will have another internal ultrasound then I will start my first round of Clomid that day.
I am really anxious about it, I am praying that it works.

I have a billion and a half things to catch up on today! Work beckons.
~Courtney

I could have slept for a zillion more hours

Here I am, back at work. Another week is upon us. I am dragging butt today. Robert spent most of the weekend snoring and then I was up early to start Sunday dinner yesterday so I feel like I barely slept.
I am adjusting slightly to the Metformin. I am still only taking it at night but starting Wednesday, I will start taking a half tab in the morning in addition to my nighttime dose. And of course, my favorite overly helpful coworker and attorney extraordinaire Lynn, has decided one way to help is to have me eat 10 prunes a day. Yep. 10 of them. Now, I actually like prunes, one or two of them. I find eating 10 of them is pretty difficult. Thank goodness I brought soy nuts today to cut the prune-yness. Blech.

The weekend was pretty good. Dan and I went estate/rummage saling on Saturday. The first few were busts, but then we found some Japanese wood bowls that we can use for entertaining and a meat mallet that is hot pink! I couldn't pass it up! And it was $.50! WIN.
We were driving home and saw a sign for another rummage sale. It was on the way so we decided to stop... pretty sure this old guy was a crazed serial killer. He had a bunch of girl's bathing suits, dirty pillow cases, and the most random assortment of crap. Like these little delights:



Seriously? Donald Trump had a game? Weird. And this aerobic chick? Apparently she was big on "General Hospital" in the '80's. HAWT.

Sunday was pretty mellow. Robert mowed, I cooked a big roast dinner, Dan and I watched "Iron Man 2" and vegged with the dog. My dog is an 8 year old Pitbull named Eve, and she is my little honey. She is the opposite of what people think pitbulls are. She is loving, and wonderful, and I wouldn't trade her for the world. I mean, come on! Look at that face:

Hopefully the work day goes fast and I can get outta here and relax tonight. Mondays are hectic at work and today is no exception. I am cranking the Ipod way up today. Thank God for David Coverdale....

~Courtney

A little visitor

Friday! Friday! Friday!

I am seriously thrilled that the weekend has decided to show up. I am in dire need of some R & R. This Metformin makes me seriously queasy and I am not loving it.
My friend Lynnae came up for a visit from Iowa. She gave birth to a little boy named Aubrey (yea I know.. I am not too fond of the name for a boy either...) and he is so stinking adorable!
He is only 2 1/2 weeks old and quite the snuggler. They came to my work today to visit during lunch! I could have snuggled him all day!

I mean, really??? Look at that handsome devil! I couldn't even put him down to have the picture taken, I had Lynnae do it! I was just too excited.

Of course, yes, it did make my uterus skip a beat. Actually, I am pretty sure I had uterine arrhythmia. It definitely makes you yearn. But I most definitely enjoyed our lunch time canoodle.

Well, I am going to TGIF to the fullest today and grill some burgers. Sounds good right?

~Courtney

And so it begins

Morning all,

Can I just say, that I am so freaking nauseated this morning? I started the Metformin and oh my goodness... no wonder they say that you lose weight while taking it. I feel so sick that I am literally drinking a 52 ounce glass of ginger ale.
I woke up at 3:30 in the morning and felt like I was sucker punched in the stomach. I have never felt a wave of nausea like that. It came on suddenly and with a purpose. I shot out of bed and basically hung out in the bathroom for a while. I took some anti-nausea syrup and was able to sleep for a few minutes.
I told myself that no matter how hard this got, I would continue to live my life. I pulled myself out of bed when my alarm went off and got ready for work like I normally do, albeit slightly slower. And now here I am, at work. I won't let this icky thing win. I will push through and continue the best I can.
I have a zillion things to do this morning so I am going to have to get going. Hopefully the nausea subsides.
~Courtney

Finally... some peace.

I woke up this morning, and actually felt at peace and rested.  I guess I didn't realize how worried I was about this fertility issue.  Learning of my hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) and my insulin resistance, has really made my entire life make sense.  I have spent the better part of a year, working out, dieting, and basically trying to cut my excess tummy weight.  I have never had the best of luck with it, and now knowing this new information, I can finally start accomplishing my goals.  When someone is insulin resistant, it makes cutting the weight very difficult.  Hopefully with the Metformin, I can finally look as healthy as I feel.
The doctor said this could have been diagnosed when I was 14 and the first cysts were discovered.  Better late than never I guess. 
Going to Dr. Sebastian has finally given me hope and piece of mind.  I feel like there is hope now.  I know God has a plan for Robert and I and I know He will bless us with a beautiful child.

I am really glad that Robert and I told dad and Sandy what was going on.  It is such a relief to have someone to talk to and celebrate this small victory with.  I know they are really positive about this and considering this good news.  I know for most people, PCOS is a huge blow to them and they think their options are closed, but that couldn't be farther from the truth.  There is a lot of things one can do to combat this gnarly issue.  I am hoping that I can get to know more women struggling with this same issue and possibly help them.  I think most people take having children for granted.  I would think that  people would appreciate the gift of life.  For some of us, it is not easy and the fact that there are people everywhere taking it for granted, makes me irritated.
I guess I am rambling slightly this morning, but just forgive me.  I am kind of giddy about my options and about finally sleeping through the night!  I feel like I could run a marathon!  OK, not a marathon, more like a 5K, but still..... I feel great nonetheless......
~Courtney 

Update: Blood Work

How do doctors seriously expect you to be patient? I have been on pins and needles, waiting for Dr. Sebastian's office to call.
Well, when my phone was lacking on the ringing department, I just sucked it up and called.
First off, his nurse is wonderful. I am sure she was irritated that I busted up her planned afternoon and wanted to horn in on my results.
So here is what I know:
My estrogen and progesterone levels are extremely low, which is why there has been no successful buns in the oven and why I couldn't sustain the implantation from last month.
My hemoglobin A1C is in the normal range.
My insulin level was off. My doctor told me that from the ultrasound, I could have the poly cystic ovary syndrome, which I mentioned before. The insulin level suggested that PCOS was the culprit of my infertility. I am a little bummed out that there is an actual barrier to my family expansion, but it is nice to actually have an explanation.
Our first part of out attack plan is to start me on a drug called Metformin. Metformin is a drug that is usually prescribed to treat type 2 diabetes but it is also used to treat PCOS, which is caused by an insulin resistance.
Then, I need to go back in between day 2-4 of my cycle to have another internal ultrasound and see what is going on with those ding dang cysts! I already scheduled that appointment for Oct. 18th. My cycle has been pretty regular so that should be about day 3 of my cycle.
After the ultrasound, I will be starting on either Clomid or Leprozole.
I can already tell that this will be a crazy ride, but I am willing to take it. I will take all the good thoughts I can get right now!
~Courtney

Weekend and the appointment

Oh my goodness! It has been a few days since my last post and I have so much to tell you!

I had a spectacular weekend! Robert and I went with my family to the Apple Fest on Saturday. It is my favorite weekend of the year. I mean, any excuse to eat cheese curds is OK in my book. I got a new purse, walked around, and really enjoyed the nice fall weather.
Sunday I went to my cousin Joshua's soccer game. They were playing the in championship.... and... THEY WON 1st PLACE! He was so proud and it was nice to see all the kids so excited about their accomplishment.
I am sure you are all waiting in suspense about yesterday. Well, I actually feel bad about being so worried.
I barely slept Sunday night in anticipation. My stomach was in knots and my brain was going a mile a minute.
When morning rolled around, I seriously felt like my feet were stuck in cold molasses. I just could not get the energy to move very fast. It was like my subconscious was waiting until the last possible second before I actually had to leave the house. And of course, in true Courtney Anna fashion, I had to make sure my outfit and hair was just right. I had to tease, curl, spray, accessorise, the whole chimichanga.
When I got there, the receptionist checked me and I then I had to do my least favorite thing; hurry up and wait. UGH.
When my name was called, I felt like I was going to dry heave. I knew I had to put my big girl pants on and get this done.
The waiting room smelled like rubbing alcohol and socks. I nervously played Frozen Bubble on my phone before I heard the knock on the door.
Dr. Sebastian came in and sat down. I was nervous and shaking but I was actually holding it together. That was until he started talking.
"So, you and your husband want to be pregnant and it just isn't happening huh?"
Cue the waterworks.
I started to bawl my eyes out and I expected him to just try to get me stop and let's carry on with the appointment, but he did the opposite. He reassured me that he was going to everything he could to make this happen for me and it was OK to cry and that I had nothing to worry about.
What?
So he isn't this big, scary male gyno guy that I had dreaded for weeks? Was I starting to like him? Well sheesh.
He made me feel so comfortable and safe, and I didn't realize how much I actually needed that.
I was actually surprisingly comfortable during the exam too! Weird.
He decided to do an internal ultrasound, which is about as fun as it sounds.
There is a cyst on my left ovary, which I already knew was there. He wants to double check that and I will be tested for Poly Cystic Ovary (PCOD). It is fairly common and easy to treat. We aren't certain that is what it is, but at least it is nice to have an idea.
He drew some blood to check my estrogen/progesterone levels and to see if I am pregnant. I should get those results back today.
If I am pregnant, then great.
If not, then I would go back during the start of my cycle to see if the cyst has gone down at all. Then, he would start me on a round of fertility medications; either Clomid or Leprozole. The chances of multiples are higher with these medicines, but I am OK with that. At this point, I will do what it takes.
I left the appointment feeling better than I had in months. I felt at peace and finally like I was making headway.
Robert is being very supportive and nice with me. He rubbed my back last night and was just as excited about the results as I was.
So, I will hear about the blood tests today and either way, there will be forward motion.
I am keeping up the positivity today!
~Courtney

Why do they always ask that?

Morning,

Why do people ask inappropriate questions?  And maybe not even in appropriate, but really personal questions.
Like I told you last night, Helen and I went shopping  in preparation for our girls night out.  And I did get an adorable outfit by the way!  I think I am going to look pretty smokin' tonight.  Anyhow, we ran into a friend of mine that I used to work with.  She is such a great girl.  She went through a messy divorce and has become even more cynical than she already had been.  We were making jokes and having a good time, when the dreaded question came up; "So when are you guys gonna have babies?"
Wah, wah, wah.
I have been asked that numerous times. Usually I make one of the following snide remarks:
"Us? Kids? Not right now!" ::insert awkward, forced laugh here::
"Maybe soon. We are just so busy."
"Oh please, and ruin this size 16 body?"
"Do you know how expensive kids are?!"

But this time was different. Ever since the miscarriage, that question feels like a TKO punch to my uterus. I would gladly take kids now, I welcome a busy life, how much more could I ruin a size 16 body, and I don't give two flying hoots about the money. I just want to be a good mother.

Once I got over the urge to toss my cookies, I just looked at her and said, "We are working on it. We had a rough month last month so...." She got the picture. I am sure she felt bad about asking, and I really hate that. I wish one of the lame excuses I give were actually true. I wish I didn't want this so badly, then it would make not having it all the more easy.

I did have a great time shopping shopping with Helen and getting a whole new outfit for tonight. (hide the receipts from Robert! haha) And I do have an amazing weekend to look forward to. Girls night tonight and Applefest with my family and friends tomorrow. I am sure I will be wiped out on Sunday.
We have 4 more days until Dr. Sebastian.......
~Courtney

Girl's Day

Oh sweet mother of baby Jesus is this work day over yet?! Total long week at work. Working for a legal aid program is supremely stressful and I don't think people truly appreciate the work that we do. I need sleep and diet coke... STAT.
Tomorrow I will be going out with the girls for a much needed night on the town. Before all the TTC troubles, I would never have thought about having a drink. I was so paranoid about how it would affect my uterus.
Well, after the troubles this summer and fall, I am letting my paranoia fall to the wayside.
I have had way too much on my mind lately. Family, work, babies, jealousy, money, home repairs. I am pretty sure my brain looks like oatmeal right now.
I am really excited to hang out with my ladies. A friend of ours has a band that plays all your favorite 80's sing-a-long songs and it pretty much rocks. Nothing like seeing a bunch of guys strut around the stage in snake skin print leather pants! Rawr.
I had lunch with Melissa today and we talked more about my impending appointment with Dr. Sebastian. I crack jokes when I am nervous, so I am assuming that my appointment will be like a Comedy Central celebrity roast. Hope he can take the hilarity. Melissa kind of lightened the mood until she said, "Oh don't worry. All you have to do is close your eyes and spread 'em."
Seriously Mel?! ICK.
I am going to do some retail therapy with Helen after work. I need some new clothes to make myself feel better. Hopefully I can avoid Motherhood Maternity without wanting to drown myself in the fountain full of rusty pennies.
I am just out of sorts today. I feel like I cant make a complete train of thought come out. Oh well. Tomorrow is a new day.
T-Minus 4 days until the specialist.
Until then,
Courtney

EPIC WIN

Hello all,

We have ourselves a dreary day here in Northern Minnesota. The sky is heavy and black with rain. ICK.
Yesterday, I was confined to the house because the first cold of the season knocked me on my ass. Thank goodness for flex accounts covering over the counter meds! I loaded up!

My pregnant friend I told you about in the 1st post came over last night. She was bringing me dinner and going to hang out since our husbands would both be gone that night. Both of our husbands are Free Masons and they have lodge on Tuesdays.
I still got the queasy feeling in my stomach. I am still slightly uncomfortable on how to act around her. I don't ever want her to feel like I am not thrilled for her or that I don't want to talk about her impending bundle of joy. Truthfully, I am thrilled for her. She will be an awesome mom and her husband will be an amzing dad. And I can't wait to be a part of that child's life.
I walked my dog and gave myself a pep talk. I said, "Self, you are not going to cry about it today. You are going to ask questions and make her feel happy."
And I can say with confidence; I did just that.
She came straight from work and her new, corporate clothes showed off her newly sprouted baby bump. I felt one pang of sadness that I was sure was going to send the tears a flowing, but I kept it under control.
I asked her how she was feeling and she filled me in on the new maternity clothes she had purchased.
I never thought I would be jealous of elastic waisted pants.

We hung out the rest of the evening. We ate dinner, watched "Glee", and vegged. After she left, I thought I would for sure crawl into bed and cry. But guess what? I didn't. I was OK. I still had the ache in my heart for the something I didn't have, but I was able to be strong. I was super proud of myself.
I am definitely marking that in the WIN column.
I cant say I will be that strong every time, but at least it is getting easier.
The official countdown is 5 days until I see Dr. Sebastian.....
Courtney

A second post?

Hello again.
I am sure this goes against all blog rules to post twice in one day, but I seriously need an outlet. I suppose since no one even knows this blog exists, I can use it like a semi-private journal. There is one thing in my life that is the thorn in my side, can make me nauseated in 2 seconds, and also breaks my heart like cheap glass:
Family.
E is my cousin and she has been my best friend since birth. We are only 6 months apart and basically inseparable.
We have been through EVERYTHING together. Boys, break ups, divorces, babies (for her, not me), marriages, fights, fun, EVERYTHING. But in November 2009, that all changed.
A little background; my family is slightly dysfunctional. Some people don't talk to my aunt, some people don't talk to so and so, and some people take their ideas of delusion and band together to exclude others. This is one of those scenarios.
My grandma, B and I have been close for as long as I can remember. When I became an adult, she was my go-to confidante. She lived in a small town about 37 miles north of town, and it was very secluded.
In the late fall 2009, she was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. She was a heavy smoker her whole life, which I am assuming contributed to malfunction with her heart.
That November, she was having a particularly hard time sleeping and her anxiety was acting up. I also suffer from anxiety so that was something her and I always bonded with.
November 13, 2009.
I was going to go up to B's house and spend the day with her on Saturday, but she called me at work and said that she hadn't slept the previous night and was worrying a lot. It was Friday, and I left work early, dashed home to pack a bag, and booked it up to her house.
We had a very nice evening. I made a light dinner, as she never ate a lot in the evening, and then we watched some T.V. She fell asleep in the recliner, which made me feel so good that she was comfortable.
A little before 9pm, I told her to go lay down in bed. She did, and she fell asleep.
I relaxed on the sofa and called my dad and Sandy to let them know everything was all right and she was sleeping.
At 10pm, B came out in the living room and said, "Did you see that cake?". I had no idea what she was talking about. I kept asking her, "What? What are you talking about?". She sat in the chair and I tried to calm her for a few minutes. She seemed better and then she asked if I would just come and lay with her, because maybe that would help.
I packed up my bed roll and we went to her room. She laid down and I laid next to her. She kept poking my back, making sure I was still there. I assured her that I wasn't going any place.
As I laid there, I was tracking her breathing. Something in my gut knew that it wasn't OK. As I listened, I realized she was only breathing about 3 times a minute. I knew she had to go in.
I immediately went into auto pilot. From all my training at the group homes, I knew exactly what to do.
I grabbed her suitcase, changes of clothes for 3 days, dentures, toiletries, her nebulizer, meds, the med chart I had made that very evening, her purse, and everything else that you would need. I got her dressed, shoes on, and in the car.
I called my dad and let him know I was bringing her in. I called ahead to the hospital and let them know I was en route with a 75 year old woman with a possible stroke or heart attack.
The weather outside was rotten. Sleet, cold. The driving conditions were awful but I knew I had to get there.
I pulled in the hospital garage, and passed her off to the ER staff. I parked the car and found my dad. Just then, my adrenaline died down, and I completely crumbled. In privacy, I lost my composure and cried my eyes out. I didn't know what I would do if anything had happened to B.
My dad and Sandy had called my aunt and she was coming down with E and my other cousin.
Unbeknownst to me, the crack that broke my family would start that very night.
Apparently, my dad's siblings, my uncle and aunt, were FURIOUS that I had brought B to the hospital. They said I should have called one of them to drive all the way up north to get her; that it wasn't my call to make. Of course that was squashed when the ER doc told us it was a good thing I brought her, as she had a heart attack.
The following months were tense. B had to go to a rehab center. I continued to help her. I even got one of my attorney friends to make sure her affairs were in order.
She was able to get better, and my dad and Sandy helped her find a beautiful apartment that she just loved.
Fast forward.
May 2010.... the first weekend.
B's house up north was in need of some clean up and improvements before it could be sold. She had wanted it on the market by May 1st, but we could never all make it up there to do what needed to be done. My family, and my uncle had FINALLY found a weekend that we all could be there and we could clean up, and get the house sold.
Saturday morning came around.... and as per usual, my uncle bailed. Well, it made no difference to us. The stuff still needed to get done, so me, my dad, Sandy, Robert, and my brother Nick, packed up and went up north to do the task at hand.
We spent 12 hours that day, going through every box, bag, closet. Painting ceilings, hallways, walls. Packing up, scrubbing... you name, we did it.
B had lived in that home for over 30 years, and I knew leaving it would be hard for her. I know my dad really wanted to get it done, and I knew she was having a tough time, so I sat with her on the sofa and went through every little item.
Since her heart attack, any over exertion would turn her lips and nose blue so I wanted to make sure she just sat down, and we did all the heavy lifting.
After a hard days work, we all went to the local bar and had a great time. B and Sandy went back early and me and the guys whooped it up! It was some serious fun.
The next morning, I was woken up by Nick coming in the bedroom saying, "You better get up. Everyone is fighting."
I threw myself outta bed and looked down the hallway. B was at the linen closet with a garbage bag. She was angry, cussing, and just throwing stuff in the bag. I could see from the hall that her lips were turning blue.
I strode over to her, took the garbage bag from her and said, "All right, this is enough. Your lips are blue. Go sit down and I will take care of this."
The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife.
I just looked at my parents and shook my head. Why does it always have to be turned into such a big deal.
Then I heard my brother say, "Hey, your uncle is here." Um.. I'm sorry, what? What is he showing up now for?
I went outside and the first thing out of his mouth was, "How come you are making runs to the dump instead of renting a huge dumpster?!" Well, let's see. The dump is a mile down the road, and costs $4 a truckload and getting Waste Management up here with a dumpster would cost a couple hundred bucks. Did you wanna pay for that Uncle Fantastic?? I really didn't need to hear his criticism since he had bailed on the clean up anyway.
The air was thick. I then went back in the house and that's when all hell broke lose. Sandy and I overheard B tell my aunt and uncle, "Oh thank goodness you are here, now I don't have to worry."
That was it. The stick that broke the camels back. So my uncle swoops in here and "saves the day" because we had been in your house all weekend destroying your life? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I packed up my stuff and my family took off.
I could tell the whole scene had upset my dad. He hates that kind of negativity. Later that night, my dad had sat down and wrote a letter to my uncle, B, and my other aunt (E's mom).
The letter outlined how for years, little cliques of the family had to band together and hate a common enemy. Usually that common enemy was me, or my dad. That is just the way it was. This house cleaning explosion was not the first time.
But this time was different. My dad wasn't going to take that hurt anymore. We had all gone up there and done our part, and then we were completely chastised for doing so.
Obviously the letter my dad wrote was met with anger.
Robert and I stayed out of the whole situation.
This is the point in the story where I tell you that E has 2 OUTSTANDING children.   I have been around them their whole lives and loved them like they were my own.
Things had been tense ever since that weekend.
Her daughter's birthday was coming up on May 24th. Birthdays were always special to me. I always make way too big of deals about them and I loved spoiling the kids rotten.
I called E the week before her birthday, and asked about the details for her party. E said that she wasn't having a party and that she would call me later in the week if they decided on anything.
I was looking forward to giving her daughter her present. I picked out a Barbie with a glittery horse, every 6 year old girls dream!
I put it in a huge Barbie bag, and I was all set for whenever the party was.
Saturday the 24th, I drove down to Hinckley to see my grandparents and my uncle Glenn, who had recently came here from Colorado. He had just gotten divorced, and was trying to combat alcoholism.
He ended up having a seizure and I drove him to the hospital. (Which is another long story that I will not bother you with right now)
As I was in the waiting room, waiting for detox to come collect Glenn, I checked my Facebook. What a saw really stabbed me in the heart.
My other cousin's status read, "Going to the hotel for  Bean's birthday Party!"
They are having a party? And I wasn't invited? Before I knew it I was bawling my eyes out. I had never missed a birthday.
I went home that day and spent the evening crying to my husband. I had never felt hurt like that.
The next day, Sunday, I called B. Surely she could be a shoulder for me to lean on. I brought up Bean's party and she said, "Oh yes, the party was very nice." to which I replied, "Oh really, I wouldn't know. I wasn't invited". Expecting her to to comfort me or try and get to the bottom of it, she says, "Too bad. It was a great party."
I was in shock. She didn't even care. I quickly ended the call. I couldn't take this.
The following week, my cousin A and his wife S's son turned 1. There was to be a big party. And yes, we were actually invited to that one. I thought seriously of not going. I knew it was going to be uncomfortable.
Robert and I knew that it was important to A and S, so we packed up and went over. I even brought Bean's gift with me.
We pulled up to the house and my stomach felt like 10,000 boy scouts had been practicing loop knots in my gut.
I could tell that everyone was uncomfortable. I tried talking to E, but it was more cordial instead of the camaraderie we had shared for 25 years.
We went up to the deck and make small talk with the other guests.
That's when B arrived. She was assisted up the stairs by E's boyfriend. She was acting like he was her savior. As he sat her down, she turned to E and said, "Your boyfriend is so wonderful. I wouldn't have made it up here without him." Oh for the sobbing out the window. He helped you park your rump in a chair. Get over it.
B then glanced at me, glanced away, and then looked at me again and said, "Oh, Courtney. Hi." She acted like she didn't know who I was. Hurtful.
Robert and I went into the house to grab a plate of food. B walked in and completely acted like she didn't even see Robert. I have never seen my husband look so hurt. He looked right at her and said, "Hey B." She gave him a cordial hello.
I turned my attention to the table of food, and I could feel the tears streaming down my face. I wasn't going to let them see this. I wasn't going to let them win.
We stayed a little longer, then decided we had done our piece, and we should hit the road. On the way out, Bean came up to me. She kind of glanced around to see if anyone was watching her. She gave me a quick hug and kiss. She thanked me for her Barbie and said she loved me. E called her name, and she ran away.
That did it. My heart had officially been destroyed.
By the time I got to our car, I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. The sobs racked my chest and I shook.
I was crying so hard I had to pull over and compose myself.
Part of me wanted to run back there and say, "Was it your goal to break my heart?? Was it your goal to hurt me so terrible that I feel actual, physical pain? Because you have succeeded you worthless animals!"
Of course I did not do that. I drove home and cried some more.
It was from that moment, that I knew I wasn't going to be treated that way anymore.
So I guess May 30th will always be that date for me. The date that will live in infamy, if you will. The turning point.
After that, Robert and I went our own way. My dad and Sandy were packing up their house and moving to North Carolina... living the dream. We were all busy gearing up for the move. Lots of packing and reminiscing. What a family should do.
After my dad and Sandy left, I was pretty down. They were my support, and now they were gone. I knew I would have to stand tall for my brothers and take over the mama bear/matriarch role. I was up to the task.
My dad and I had talked many times about the craziness that had been going on amongst the family, and we had become a stronger unit during these tough times. We knew that we had done nothing wrong, and we knew we had to stop this vicious cycle. As my dad and Sandy so brilliantly put it: We just couldn't bleed anymore.
At the end of July, I decided to be the bigger person and call B. We hadn't spoken in a month. That was the longest I had ever gone without speaking to her. We used to speak multiple times a day. I am sure she used to get sick of me calling.
My stomach was queasy as I dialed. When she picked up the phone, I said, "Hey B." You know what her response was, "Who is this?"
Seriously?!
 I said, "Um, it's Courtney." And here is the kicker, she says, "Courtneyyyyyy???" Like she is trying to remember if she knows a Courtney. After 25 years of me being her granddaughter, this is how I get treated.
To "jog her memory" I said, "Um, Courtney Kile. Formerly known as Carlson, your granddaughter....".
 "Oh Hi," she says.
I ask her what has been going on, everything is all crazy, no one is talking.
Here comes the sucker punch:
She says, "To think, this all started over a garbage bag."
 WHAT?!
She really expects me to believe that she thinks everyone is angry because she was throwing stuff away in the hallway on that fated May day.
I was in utter disbelief. I was at a loss of what to say.
I looked at my phone to see if I had heard her right and I say, "You are absolutely delusional if you think this rift started over a garbage bag?!"
What happened next will resonate with me my entire life. She screams into the phone, "Are you calling me delusional??! Are you calling me DELUSIONAL?!"
I saw, "Yes. That is delusional to think that these months of tension are over a garbage bag!"
"Then why in the hell did you call me then?" she screamed.
"Well, you are my grandmother, and we used to talk all the time, and now we don't talk anymore, or closure, I don't really know."
And B comes in with the TKO
"Well then consider yourself CLOSED."

And she hung up on me.

I stared at the phone for a good long while. I didn't even know what to say. My own grandmother had basically gave me the finger.
Even writing this post, I fell my cheeks getting hot, and my eyes getting heavy with tears. I can't believe it.
Of course then B called in the brigade and I received a barage of calls from my aunt to proceeded to basically yell at me, insult me, and then hang up on me as well.

That was it. I was done. With family like this, who needed enemies. At that point, Robert had had enough. He never asked to be treated this way and he had done nothing but try and be nice, helpful, and caring. And he just got dumped on.
Robert and I have so much to be thankful for. We have a beautiful home, good jobs, great friends, and amazing REAL family. We didn't need this garbage.

It even got to the point where our former family members had to "diss" us on social networking sites. Really? "De-friending" us must have made you feel really good about yourself! And they also didn't even acknowledge when my little brother graduated high school. No cards, no congrats, no nothing. And he was less a part of this then Robert and I were. And all these people had stood up at my wedding... just over a year ago.

There have been a few other conversations between my dad and B and me and B, but they aren't even worth mentioning.
You would think that these people would see that all they have to say is, "Hey, I hurt you, and I am sorry." But no one in that pack has the integrity to say they were wrong. They would rather band together and keep feeding into their own delusions; even if it means cutting out family.

This whole situation has taught me that blood is NOT thicker than water. Just because you share the same bloodline as someone, doesn't automatically make them your family. Real family doesn't hurt you like this. Real family doesn't hack you off at the knees and then wonder why you don't get up and beg for more.
I thank God every day for my amazing husband, brothers, sister, parents, friends, and everything else good and positive in my life.

There had been a little dig said at me today that caused me to write this. I in no way expected it to be this long, but as soon as the words came out, it started flooding out and I knew I just had to get it all out there.
It was amazingly therapeutic to get this all out in the open. I hope some day those people can put down the hate, and truly own up to what they did, and apologize for the hurt and damage they have done. I won't hold my breath though.

Life is short. Love the ones in your life wholly and completely. Be true. Be honest. Have respect and integrity. Be sure of who you are.
And repeat this to yourself, "I am sure of my path."
I know I am.