Buttercream and tears......

Afternoon,

I am not going to lie to you,  I am very sad today. I try so hard to keep it together, but today, I crumbled.

I had my other internal ultrasound today, and was supposed to start the Clomid so we can get going on this whole baby making thing, but, my body had other plans.
When I went in the first time, there was a golf ball sized cyst on my left ovary. Obviously that was the biggest factor in the PCOS diagnosis. After seeing that, I was to go home, have my period, and then I was going to come in on the 5th day of my cycle (today) and then check to make sure the cyst had shrunk. Well, it did shrink, but not enough. It is not malignant or anything, but if it doesn't shrink, and I was to get pregnant, I run the risk of getting very sick.
So, unfortunately I cannot start the Clomid, and get this?! I have to take birth control for the next month to try and shrink the cyst. Um, can I just say that I do not appreciate the irony here. Then, I have to go back in on November 17th, the day before I leave on my vacation, to see if the cyst has gotten any smaller, then I could start the Clomid.
Ya know, to a normal person, a month is a short amount of time, but to a couple TTC, it seems like an eternity.
As soon as Dr. Sebastian told me I would have to take birth control, I started crying. I couldn't believe we had to overcome yet another road block. I got in my car and cried all the way to work (with a supplemental diet coke stop in the interim). I pulled myself together in the car and I thought I would be just fine. I came in, sat down, and one of my favorite co-workers, Lynn came up and said, "How did it go?"

Cue the waterworks.

She saw my eyes well up and immediately brought me to her office. And then I let go. I cried so hard (yet quietly, since I was still at work) and she just hugged me. I told what the doctor said, and she said the very right things I needed to hear: "I am really sorry and that really sucks." Yes, it does suck. I know I will be fine tomorrow and I will get my strength up and I will face this new hurdle with gusto but right now, this really, and truly bites the big one. I was able to regain my composure and the rest of the morning has been going OK.
I just wish I didn't feel like my body was failing me! I just want it to function properly!
And to make matters worse, as I walked out of the doctor's office, some chick was walking towards the building and she was out-to-there pregnant and SMOKING! I could have rang her neck. I had to quell my desire to smack her in the face. How can she take that life for granted!?

A friend of mine, and baker of my wedding cakes, is opening a shop and deli a block away from my office. I walked down there on lunch and she must have just known something was up. She immediately handed me a spoon with a nice dollop of chocolate ganache buttercream..... mmmm. So yes, I ate a blob of buttercream for lunch, don't judge me. :-) I am pretty sure Eileen's buttercream could make anyone's day brighter.

I know I will suck it up and beat this hurdle like I do everything else, but still, I am sad today.
~Courtney