Thursday, February 24, 2011

I think I threw up in my mouth a little.

I am a complete wienie.  Yep, sure am. 

When I started this blog, it was going to be a place for me to vent my frustrations with TTC and IF treatments.   It was going to be a release for me of sorts.  I can't count how many times I have felt relief from getting the words out there, and meeting so many wonderful people who are going through the same thing.  It has truly saved me.  I am brutally honest in this blog.  It is mine.  I reserve the right to do so, and I need to be.

Here's where the wienie part comes in: Another one of my cousins, J, is a uber talented writer.  She has a magnificent way with words and I really enjoy reading her pieces.  She has a Blogspot blog and after a six month hiatus, she posted again.  I eagerly read her poem and I loved it so much, I was going to leave a comment.  I clicked the comment box and was all ready to log in with my Google account when I froze.  I thought to myself, "If I log in as a Google account, she could click on it and read my blog.  What would she think?"  I had a moment of sheer terror and then I chickened out and just commented using my name. 

As I browsed away from her page, I berated myself for being so fearful.  Did I really care what people thought?  Was it really that important to me?  The answer is, no.  Love my posts and read them, or hate them and don't.  I won't apologize for anything I have said, because it was all the truth.  They are real and true emotions, feelings, and trials I have experienced.  I don't need to be a ashamed of telling the truth, even if it may be harsh to some. 

So, love it or hate it, take it or leave it.  I am Courtney and I proud, confident, honest, and happy.  Have a great day and make it count!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Here I am

I am physically here today, but my mind is for sure elsewhere.  I am not feeling up to par and my energy is in the slim to nil category.
Last night I felt like I had the flu coming on.  I really don't have time fort he flu, so I took some medicine and crashed out at 7pm last night. 
We have our audit at work this week and to say it is stressful is an understatement.  Everyone is running around like chickens with their heads cut off.  I hate that.

Robert and I had an iTunes date night on Saturday.  We had some cocktails and bought some songs.  It was wonderful.  We basically played, "HEY! Remember this song?"  We ended up with playlist consisting of Switchfoot, Patsy Cline, Oasis, and Godsmack.  It pretty much rocks.

We are also going to the cities this weekend to visit my in-laws.  I am also heading to my sister's house in Hudson to spend Saturday afternoon with her and my niece Isabel.  I am so excited I can barely stand it!  We are going to get some Chipotle and basically have a little girl's afternoon.

I guess I better get back to the audit.  Wish me luck!  Is it Friday yet? :-/


Friday, February 18, 2011

Musical Evolution? Revolution? Resolution.

There are times in my life where I take a minute and reflect on things that have happened.  Yesterday was one of those times for me.  As you know, my cousin E and I no longer are on speaking terms.  We haven't really spoken since May 2010.  I saw her a week before Christmas when I dropped off the kids' presents, but that's it.  We weren't even friends on social networking sites.  Through the grapevine, I heard she was pregnant again and engaged to her longtime boyfriend. 
This is the part where I tell you, once again, that music is vitally important to me.  It is a therapy of sorts.  I love when you hear the perfect song, with the most perfect lyric you need to hear at the most perfect time.
When all the family drama started, I was consumed with anger and resentment.  I couldn't believe what was happening.  How could someone do this; treat people this way? 

In my angrier times, my anthem was a song called, "Bones" by Little Big Town.  It goes like this:


What goes around comes around
Feel it breathin' down heavy on you
You made that bed you're layin' on
Deeds that you have done, now you cant undo

You've got bones in your closet
You've got ghosts in your town
Ain't no doubt, yeah, they're gonna come out
They're waiting for the sun to go down
You can't hide from your demons
Feel 'em all lurkin' around
You're runnin' scared 'cause you know they're out there
They're waiting for the sun to go down

It's a long hard row to hoe
When seeds that you sow grow by the wicked moon
Be sure your sins will find you out
Your past will hunt you down
And return to tell on you

You've got bones in your closet
You've got ghosts in your town
Ain't no doubt, yeah, they're gonna come out
They're waiting for the sun to go down
You can't hide from your demons
Feel 'em all lurkin' around
You're runnin' scared 'cause you know they're out there
They're waiting for the sun to go down

It all stands to reason
Every dog will have his day
But your day is leavin'
Better hold on tight
Here comes the night.

I listened to that song religiously and belted it out in the car.  I sang it with so much conviction that I would actually have tears streaming down my cheeks by the bridge. I was in a darker place and could not let go.  It took a while to give up on that hurt.  There were even times where I thought I could just extend the olive branch and forget.  But then, I would hesitate and realize that I was still crushed inside.  I wasn't ready to give up completely.  My song of the day then switched to this one:

Not Ready to Make Nice

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should

Now I understand that Natalie Maines wrote this song to Mr. George W. Bush, but this first verse just resonates something in me.  I wasn't ready to basically concede and make nice with them.  And then I thought to myself, "wait, isn't that what I should do?  Isn't carrying this torch of anger just burning me in the long run?"
My dad and I have had countless conversations about this and we always come back to the same conclusion.  I can't ask a turtle to run like a gazelle because he just can't.  A turtle can never be a gazelle.  No matter how many times I scream, yell, rant and rave at that frickin' turtle to be a gazelle, it will never happen; because it is a turtle.
After I accepted that, I felt so much better.  I knew, in my heart, that I was all right.  My evolution into this whole new me was almost liberating. 
Yesterday, I picked up my cell phone and texted a familiar number; "Hey E. Congrats on the new baby and engagement!  How exciting!"
To my amazement, my inbox light blinked a response, "Thank you!  It has been a crazy ride!"
We carried on a short text conversation, it actually ended on a good note.  It made me feel good and happy inside.  This is not to say that we are going to have sleepovers again, paint each other's toenails, and be back to BFFs; but it is definitely a sign that the white flags are up and a cease fire is in place.  What a comforting feeling it is. 

I suppose you are wondering what my current theme song is, right?  I listen to this every day and an affirmation that I am being true to me, having faith in myself, my husband, and my family, and whole heartedly trusting in God to take care of me.

Good Day

I say to myself
Self, why are you awake again? It's one a.m.
Standing with the fridge wide open, staring
Such a sight, florescent light
The stars are bright
Might make a wish, if I believed in that shit but
As it is, I might watch TV
Cause it's nice to see people more messed up than me
I say to myself, as I smile at the wall, just let myself fall

It's gonna be all right, no matter what they say
It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see
It's gonna be alright, cause I'm alright with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be, it's gotta be

I shiver, shut the door
Can't think standing here no more
I'm alone, my mind's racing, heart breaking
Can you be everything I need you to be?
Can you protect me like a daughter?
Can you love me like a father?
Can you drink me like water?
Say I'm like the desert, Just Way Hotter.

The point of it all
Is that if I should fall
Still you're name I'll call

It's gonna be all right, no matter what they say
It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see
It's gonna be OK, cause I'm OK with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be

As long as we laugh out loud
Laugh like we're mad
Cause this crazy, mixed up beauty is all that we have
Because what's love but an itch we can't scratch, a joke we can't catch
God, but still we laugh

Get back in bed, turn off the TV
You say "It'll be alright baby, just wait and see."

It's gonna be all right, it's gonna be okay
It's gonna be all right, just wait and see
Its gonna be all right, no matter what they say
Its gonna be a good day, just wait, just see
It's gonna be okay, cause I'm okay with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be, it's gonna be okay...
Uh oh, I'm awake again
It's one A.M.
Such a sight
Well, at least the stars are bright
Thank you God for giving me the courage and conviction to be me at all times.  Thank you for the strength to live in the light and stand tall.  Thank you for giving my the most amazing gifts every day of my life.  Thank you.

Here is my final thought of the day:

"Every minute you spend angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness." - Author Unknown


Tuesday, February 15, 2011


I am wiped out this morning.  I have been in my insomnia cycle lately, and sleep has been evading me.  On a good note, Robert started his new job yesterday and he really likes it.  He feels comfortable and confident, and that is all I can ask.  I am so proud of him.  He works so hard to take care of me and our home.  I am so lucky to be married to an amazing man like him.

Speaking of amazing men I am proud of, the youngest of my siblings, Joel, is moving into his very first place!  He is gonna move in with two of his friends.  They got a nice three bedroom house on my street.  I think having them close will make the transition easier.  Plus, I own almost four city lots and I will totally pay the boys to mow and rake the yard.  It is a win-win situation.  I have been calling all of our friends for the big move in.  We are going later this week to review the lease and sign.  I am so proud of him!

On a bummer note, our utility sink in the basement is clogged up something awful and I am thinking my stepfather is going to have to come over tomorrow and help Robert snake the pipe.  We took the elbow off and cleared it out, but it looks like the whole pipe is going to need to be snaked.  What a pain.  Of course our washing machine drains into that tub so I am without my washing machine right now.... UGH. 

As far as TTC/IF goes, I am doing OK.  I wouldn't say I am doing fantastically or anything, but today, I am OK.  Meghan is due in three weeks.  Her belly is getting pretty huge.  Her newest belly pic was the first thing I saw when I logged into Facebook this morning, and it is always a little sad.  I will have to say though, unless something triggers me to think about it, I am doing a great job pushing all the stress and worry out of my mind.  That's not to say that tomorrow I could be a complete moper, but today, I am definitely OK.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Long time, no talk

It has been forever since I posted last.  I have actually logged in a few times and the I just got pulled away!
How are things with everyone?

Things are pretty decent in Kile Country.  Robert has his last day at his old job today.  He is so excited to finally be done there.  He wasn't happy and he didn't get to do what he loved.
Robert starts his new job on Monday.  He is nervous and anxious, but this is a new chapter in our lives.  I am hoping this means that we get a little break from the dark days.

We had our expectant friends over for the Super Bowl on Sunday.  We make homemade pizzas, dill pretzels, cheese dips, and crispy bars.  The boys absconded to the mancave right away and Meghan and I stayed upstairs, and cooked and chatted.  She has always been such a good listener and seems to actually understand how I feel.  Even thought I still get slightly jealous about her growing tummy, I am very thankful to have her as a friend.  She is due next month and I find myself looking very forward to the arrival of the littlest "ginger." 

This week has been crazy busy.  We are trying to get everything squared away for Robert's transition, and I have been insanely busy at work.  Yesterday though, I really thought was just not my day.  I packed myself a bowl of yogurt for lunch and put it in my cloth sack that I always carry to work.  I have my files in there, personal papers, my lunch, etc.  When I got to work and went to unpack, I saw that the cover had come off my yogurt and spilled ALL OVER my bag!  UGH!  Now my entire bag was covered in raspberry yogurt.  Luckily it didn't damage my files too much.  I did have to stick my hand in there to fish the bowl out and clean it off.  I thought about salvaging the bag, but it was a total loss.  If that wasn't gross enough, four big blobs of the yogurty mess leaked onto my pant leg!  Grr!  I cleaned off my pants and decided to just go about my day.  As I turned to face my computer, I somehow managed to bite the right side of my tongue super hard.  Really?!  And of course it was one of those bites that makes it swell, so for the rest of the day, it was constantly rubbing on my teeth and just hurting more.
At this point, I am tired, my tongue is on fire, and I reek like raspberry; then Robert calls.  He never calls me in the morning so I immediately thought something was wrong.  Robert has a crappy car that I really don't like.  A few months ago, the driver's side door handle broke.  We hardly use the ca,r so I wasn't concerned with getting it fixed right away.  Well, it was -20 in good old Minnesota yesterday morning, and when he went to open the other door, the handle on it was so frozen, that it broke off in his hands.  Epic fail.  Thank goodness he was able to get a ride to work.  I talked to a friend of mine that I work with and her husband is going to come on Saturday and take it to his heated garage and fix it all up.  He is a certified mechanic for Bobcat and can handle just about any car issue.  I am so happy for that!

On the upside, today is Friday.  I am so ready for the weekend.  We are going to get the car fixed tomorrow and make a run to Target.  Of course I am out of concealer, hair spray and moisturizer all at once!  We all know I can't live without moisturizer!   I think I will spend Sunday being a completely lazy butt.  I am going to make a big vat of spaghetti and watch retro movies.  WIN.

Oh, and since the majority of my friends are pregnant and posting ultrasound and belly pics on Facebook, I feel it is only necessary to post pictures of my doggaughter, Eve:

She had a bad knee day and was extra clingy.  She had to have her head right on my knee.  Isn't she the cutest!?

I hope everyone has a good weekend!


Friday, February 4, 2011

It's a good news/bad news day.

HE GOT THE JOB!  That's right, folks.  Robert got the job he wanted!  Robert applied at a private law firm in our city and out of the 50 resumes they picked, they chose to interview only 8 people.  Robert was one of the 8 and he knocked their socks off!  This is so beyond exciting.  This means more money, better hours for him, and I could not be more proud.  He would do anything is world to make sure I was taken care of that we are set.  I am just so happy.
He is now the Administrator for the firm.  :-)

I am picking him up a little cake as a congrats.  I should probably fix a special dinner too!

That, as you can see, is the good news.  The bad news?  AF showed up with malice today.  I am super bloated, super crampy, and all around not too thrilled about it.  I am not thinking about TTC nearly as much, and I almost thought that since I hadn't been thinking about it, that I would get my BFP this month.  Then I realized that me thinking about not thinking about it..... was actually my round about way of thinking about it. Damn.

There is talks about closing my office early today because everyone is stressed to the max.  And obviously I wouldn't mind taking a little nap.  I want to go home and put on my jammies!

Also, I can barely contain myself though, for this weekend!  I can't believe I am going to go and pick out Melissa's engagement ring!  I am sure I will be a big, crying mess!  Wish me luck! 


Wednesday, February 2, 2011


That is a combination of anxious and excited.  I am going to make this short because I am all sorts of flustered today.

Robert is at a job interview right now.  I am so excited for him.  I am praying and praying that he gets it.  He can't stand his current job, but he is a good man and does what he needs to do.  He is such as amazing husband. :-)

I don't want to get my hopes up because of the economy, but he would be so awesome at this job.  And he looks beyond handsome this morning. 

Send us your positive vibes and I hope we hear soon!

ACK! :-)

P.S.  Obviously I am excited and nervous because this post is super short but when I hit spell check, I had misspelled 5 words wrongs since I am so excited my hands are shaking.  Get it together, Courtney!