Musical Evolution? Revolution? Resolution.

There are times in my life where I take a minute and reflect on things that have happened.  Yesterday was one of those times for me.  As you know, my cousin E and I no longer are on speaking terms.  We haven't really spoken since May 2010.  I saw her a week before Christmas when I dropped off the kids' presents, but that's it.  We weren't even friends on social networking sites.  Through the grapevine, I heard she was pregnant again and engaged to her longtime boyfriend. 
This is the part where I tell you, once again, that music is vitally important to me.  It is a therapy of sorts.  I love when you hear the perfect song, with the most perfect lyric you need to hear at the most perfect time.
When all the family drama started, I was consumed with anger and resentment.  I couldn't believe what was happening.  How could someone do this; treat people this way? 

In my angrier times, my anthem was a song called, "Bones" by Little Big Town.  It goes like this:

Bones

What goes around comes around
Feel it breathin' down heavy on you
You made that bed you're layin' on
Deeds that you have done, now you cant undo

You've got bones in your closet
You've got ghosts in your town
Ain't no doubt, yeah, they're gonna come out
They're waiting for the sun to go down
You can't hide from your demons
Feel 'em all lurkin' around
You're runnin' scared 'cause you know they're out there
They're waiting for the sun to go down

It's a long hard row to hoe
When seeds that you sow grow by the wicked moon
Be sure your sins will find you out
Your past will hunt you down
And return to tell on you

You've got bones in your closet
You've got ghosts in your town
Ain't no doubt, yeah, they're gonna come out
They're waiting for the sun to go down
You can't hide from your demons
Feel 'em all lurkin' around
You're runnin' scared 'cause you know they're out there
They're waiting for the sun to go down

It all stands to reason
Every dog will have his day
But your day is leavin'
Better hold on tight
Here comes the night.

I listened to that song religiously and belted it out in the car.  I sang it with so much conviction that I would actually have tears streaming down my cheeks by the bridge. I was in a darker place and could not let go.  It took a while to give up on that hurt.  There were even times where I thought I could just extend the olive branch and forget.  But then, I would hesitate and realize that I was still crushed inside.  I wasn't ready to give up completely.  My song of the day then switched to this one:

Not Ready to Make Nice

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should

Now I understand that Natalie Maines wrote this song to Mr. George W. Bush, but this first verse just resonates something in me.  I wasn't ready to basically concede and make nice with them.  And then I thought to myself, "wait, isn't that what I should do?  Isn't carrying this torch of anger just burning me in the long run?"
My dad and I have had countless conversations about this and we always come back to the same conclusion.  I can't ask a turtle to run like a gazelle because he just can't.  A turtle can never be a gazelle.  No matter how many times I scream, yell, rant and rave at that frickin' turtle to be a gazelle, it will never happen; because it is a turtle.
After I accepted that, I felt so much better.  I knew, in my heart, that I was all right.  My evolution into this whole new me was almost liberating. 
Yesterday, I picked up my cell phone and texted a familiar number; "Hey E. Congrats on the new baby and engagement!  How exciting!"
To my amazement, my inbox light blinked a response, "Thank you!  It has been a crazy ride!"
We carried on a short text conversation, it actually ended on a good note.  It made me feel good and happy inside.  This is not to say that we are going to have sleepovers again, paint each other's toenails, and be back to BFFs; but it is definitely a sign that the white flags are up and a cease fire is in place.  What a comforting feeling it is. 

I suppose you are wondering what my current theme song is, right?  I listen to this every day and an affirmation that I am being true to me, having faith in myself, my husband, and my family, and whole heartedly trusting in God to take care of me.

Good Day

I say to myself
Self, why are you awake again? It's one a.m.
Standing with the fridge wide open, staring
Such a sight, florescent light
The stars are bright
Might make a wish, if I believed in that shit but
As it is, I might watch TV
Cause it's nice to see people more messed up than me
I say to myself, as I smile at the wall, just let myself fall

It's gonna be all right, no matter what they say
It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see
It's gonna be alright, cause I'm alright with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be, it's gotta be

I shiver, shut the door
Can't think standing here no more
I'm alone, my mind's racing, heart breaking
Can you be everything I need you to be?
Can you protect me like a daughter?
Can you love me like a father?
Can you drink me like water?
Say I'm like the desert, Just Way Hotter.

The point of it all
Is that if I should fall
Still you're name I'll call

It's gonna be all right, no matter what they say
It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see
It's gonna be OK, cause I'm OK with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be

As long as we laugh out loud
Laugh like we're mad
Cause this crazy, mixed up beauty is all that we have
Because what's love but an itch we can't scratch, a joke we can't catch
God, but still we laugh

Get back in bed, turn off the TV
You say "It'll be alright baby, just wait and see."

It's gonna be all right, it's gonna be okay
It's gonna be all right, just wait and see
Its gonna be all right, no matter what they say
Its gonna be a good day, just wait, just see
It's gonna be okay, cause I'm okay with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be, it's gonna be okay...
Uh oh, I'm awake again
It's one A.M.
StaringSuch a sight
Well, at least the stars are bright

Thank you God for giving me the courage and conviction to be me at all times.  Thank you for the strength to live in the light and stand tall.  Thank you for giving my the most amazing gifts every day of my life.  Thank you.

Here is my final thought of the day:

"Every minute you spend angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness." - Author Unknown

~Courtney