Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Big Update

Hello there!

I have a lot to update about but due to the renovations going on in my office, I am forced to use another office and it is not nearly conducive to to blogging.

I had my growth ultrasound today.  Dr. S was thinking Sully was getting big and we were looking at induction.
Well, Sully is doing well and measuring spot on.  My amniotic fluid was high last month and this month it is more in the normal range, which is good.  My cervix is thinning a little and Sully is head down so much that I swear the ultrasound wand was on my thigh!  He is all squished in there and in my mind, he looks like he is about ready to greet this big, old world.  I got to see his little "practice breaths."  We were able to see his little tummy moving as he was practicing his inhales and exhales.  As always, I love hearing his little heartbeat.  Mr. Sullivan is tipping the scales at almost 6lbs of cuteness!
The forward plan is I have a doctor appointment on November 7th, then again on November 14th and then another ultrasound on November 21.  At the 21st appointment, if I haven't gone into labor by then, we will induce on November 23rd.  That means no Thanksgiving dinner for Robert and I but it will give us the most awesome reason to be thankful. :-)  I am hoping that I can hold off until then because Debbiemom isn't flying back into town from Florida until the 21st and I really need her here for the birth. 
I can't believe we are literally less than a month away.  I can't wait to meet him.  I get more and more distracted at work every day.  I think about Sully 24/7.  That means I only have 20 days to work before Sully is here!  I just gotta make it 20 more working days!  WOOT!


Friday, October 21, 2011

Friday... TGIF Baby


I am so beyond excited that it is Friday.  It has been another grueling week and I am ready for some R & R this weekend.  My sister and niece are coming to stay with us this weekend and I am really excited to see them.  My niece is chomping at the bit to feel my belly.  I am hoping Sully cooperates with her and gives her a big kick.
We have a few final touches to put in the nursery and it will be complete.  I will be posting pictures this weekend.
We also had the dreaded office baby shower on Tuesday.  I was really not looking forward to it, but it ended up being OK.  The cake was delicious and I ate my weight in taco dip.  My coworkers got us cute little outfits and diapers and toys.  One of the paralegals in our Pine City office even made this beautiful quilt. The stitching is so perfect and the quilt is adorable.  It will be a perfect blanket for tummy time.  The ladies in my office that convinced me to not cancel the shower even had little corsages made for K and I.  And the cake was adorable!
Aren't they cute:


I have also been feeling very big lately.  My belly has gotten so big and round.  It is actually cumbersome to move around, especially if I need to move somewhere kind of quickly.  This must mean that he is a big, healthy boy, right?
Here is a pic from last week, 33 weeks:

That is one giant belly! Hahah. It is still weird to think that there is a 5lb little boy hanging out in there somewhere.  I know he is head down now and his little butt is in my upper left side ribcage, but where on earth is everything else!?  I am getting anxious to see his cute little face at my appointment next week.  I swear, the weeks are moving slowly now.  All I want is for him to be here, and snuggle him, and feed him and dote on him.  I can barely focus at work anymore.  My mind drifts to all the things we are going to do as a family, and the little outfits he is going to wear.  I spend hours scouring the Internet for the best Christening outfit (which I have yet to find).  I am basically in "fake-it-til-you-make-it" mode.  I want to get through these next 5 weeks 6 days, or less, and then have 10 weeks to sit at home and love my little guy.
Case in point: ignoring my stack of letters to draft on my left in favor of updating the blog.  Yep, this chick is ready for maternity leave! :-)

Happy Friday ladies.!


Wednesday, October 19, 2011

A trip to the birthing center

Don't worry.  I haven't given birth yet, but I was pretty damn scared that I was going to.
On Monday, I got to work and I was pretty stressed out. There is a ton of stuff left to be done on our house before Sully comes and for the next two weekends, we have family coming to stay with us.
I decided to leave work at noon and head home to get some things done and get a jump on it.  I had been putzing around for a few hours.  I was putting some weather stripping on one of the windows and all of a sudden there was a big gush of fluid.  I reached down and my pants were definitely wet.
I stood there for a minute in shock.  Did my water just break?  I'm only 33 1/2 weeks.  This can't be happening.
I finally shook off the shock and called Dr. S's office.  They wanted me to come in right away and get checked out.  There was no one to drive me in, so I told the nurse I was driving myself.  She was not pleased about that.  She asked, "What about your parents?"  That caused me to burst into tears and pitifully say, "All my parents live out of state and I am all alonnnnnnnnnnnnnneeee."  It was pretty pathetic.
I changed my wet pants, grabbed a bag of random items just in case, and got into the car.  I focus better in panic mode, so I wasn't concerned about driving myself.  My mind was racing. Then I thought to myself, when is the last time I felt him move?  Had I felt him at all that day?  I started to get really worried then.  I know that the later you get in your pregnancy, movement decreases because they are limited space, but I was really worried now.
I called Robert and picked him up on the way into the birthing center.  We got there and I was pretty calm and collected; until we got to the room and the nurse asked me what brought me in that day.
I completely lost it.  I told her that I had leaked fluid and that I didn't think I could feel him moving.
I got into a gown and she put the monitors on me.  The second his big, strong heartbeat came on the speaker, I cried even harder.  That is the most beautiful sound in the world.  The monitor also showed that I wasn't having contractions.  Thank goodness.  I was so panicked that my blood pressure was 158/100.  I guess I was more upset than previously thought.  We had to do that amniotic fluid test where they stick this huge Q-tip in your lady station and then mix it with this solution to see if there is amniotic fluid present.  Luckily, the test was negative.  So if it wasn't amniotic fluid, what the hell happened?  The answer is beyond embarrassing, but I guess it happens all the time:  Sully put his head into my bladder so quickly and forecfully, that I peed my pants.  Yep... pissed myself.  I didn't even get the urge to go.  I just went.
I was so glad that he was OK, and that I wasn't in labor yet.  The resident doc looked like Dougie Howser and was younger than me.  He was incredibly nice, but it was slightly awkward.  They decided to check me for dilation anyway.  Did I mention I love being a human hand puppet?  Haha I am not dilated at all and everything is 100% where it is supposed to be.  The resident was concerned that my blood pressure was so high when I came in.  I assured him it was just because I was so frantic.  He went to recheck and just as I thought;;; 122/66.  It is amazing what pure joy and relief will do to a blood pressure. :-)
I still have my appointment next week with Dr. S for the growth ultrasound.  I was really nervous when he mentioned inducing me 2 weeks early if Sully is getting big, because I was scared of a C Section, but after this little episode, I am ready to have him out of the belly and see him be OK.  Either way, I am getting so excited to meet him. This pregnancy has enough excitement!

Oh, and we did have that office baby shower yesterday, but I will post on that later.

Happy Wednesday!

Friday, October 14, 2011

I need your opinion

I am in dire need of your thoughts here.  I am in a dilemma at work. 
Here is the 411:

I know I have posted on here that another woman I work with is also pregnant.  She is also an IF mom.  We'll call her K.
K had a miscarriage and then become pregnant.  That pregnancy lead to the birth of her now soon to be 4 year old son.  Shortly after his birth, she and her husband started trying again.  There were nothing but troubles for her.
She and I spent the better part of 2010 comforting each other, supporting each other and struggling to get pregnant.  During that time, she had four more miscarriages.  It was beyond heartbreaking to watch.
Every time she got pregnant, she always told me right away but was always sensitive and caring; asking me if I was OK, and she hopes I wasn't sad.  Of course I was always slightly bummed when someone got a bun in the oven and it wasn't me, but I was always thrilled for her.
I was also the one that always got the phone call when she was on the way to the hospital after she tell tale bleeding started that would always end in a D & C.
The Saturday in March that I found out I was pregnant with Sully, she was the first phone call I made.  I remember how my hands shook when I dialed.  I didn't want her to feel badly.
K was anything but bummed out for me.  She was so excited and told me how happy she was.  It was a relief.  We had plans to go to dinner the next night so I was excited to sit and chat with her.
The next evening, we went to dinner and we talked all about this new pregnancy and what I could expect from maternity at work etc.
She was so kind and sincere.
Later that evening, Robert and I were sitting at home and my phone rang.  It was K.  I wondered what she was doing calling so late, but I picked up anyway.  Her voice was full of excitement; she took a HPT and she was pregnant too!
K said that after we left the restaurant, she started thinking about her own schedule, and she realized that she too was late.
I couldn't believe it.  Not only did we both get our miracles, but we were going to be pregnant together!
We decided to meet before work and run to the doctor to get blood work done, just to be sure.
We found out at that appointment that K was actually 3 weeks further along and had no idea. We were given due dates 3 weeks apart and sent on our way.  This was just perfect.
K and I have both had ups and downs during our pregnancies, but so far, so good.  While I have been vomiting like that girl from the "Exorcist," she has been having the most awful swelling in her feet.
We have once again supported each other, comforted each other and marveled at the sheer size of our bellies with each other.  It is so exciting to have a friend being going through the exact same thing together. 
Now, we are exactly one month from her scheduled C-Section and a short 7 weeks from my due date.  I can't believe how fast the time has gone.
Here is where I need your opinion.
I work in a very small office.  There are 12 of us in here, and everyone usually knows everyone's business.  Most people in here are aware of my trouble's and K's troubles.  Everyone was pleased to peaches when they discovered we were pregnant, let alone, so close together.
One of my other co workers brought up throwing a little office shower.  A little cake, presents and a pot luck.
I was thrilled.  I am just so grateful to be pregnant that any time someone wants to celebrate Sully, I am all for it.
The co worker planning it, let's call him P, is pretty much a social retard.  He has no filter and is extremely arrogant.  Part of me keeps hoping that somewhere deep down, he is a decent guy, but sadly, he always lets me down.  I was a little leery of him throwing this shower, but he wanted to do it, so we let him have it.
Just as I thought, he started small grumblings about having to order the cake and coordinate everything etc.  I blew it off, thinking it was his normal lack of filter at its finest.  Then, came the double whammy.
After our office closed, he said he needed to talk to me.  We sat at my desk and he proceeded to tell me that some people in this office felt angry that K was getting to be part of the baby shower, because they had thrown her a baby shower when she was pregnant with her 4 year old. They felt like it should only be a shower for me.
I was shocked. 
People were angry?!
My first thought was that it was P being a jerk so I went into the office of my confidante at work and prepared to bitch.  Imagine my surprise when I discovered that my confidante was one of the angry people.  I asked her why she was angry and she then went on a rant on how "greedy" K was being and that she was "horning" in on my shower.  She said that K was in a higher position than me in the company and that she should have stepped back and let me have the shower by myself because it was my first baby and because now people couldn't spend as much on a gift for me.  Her face was red as we spoke and I could not believe my ears.  Yes, I get that technically you don't have a shower with subsequent children, but these were obviously special circumstances.
I remember leaving her office that day and I felt totally crushed.  I sent P and email and demanded that he cancel the shower.  The next day, he came to my office and told me that he had taken care of it and everything was fine.  I agreed to put the shower back on.
Cut to Wednesday night.
My confidante, L, was in her office, looking at my baby registry.  She asked me to come in her office and let her know what I still would really like or need.  I started pointing out some items when she started in about K again.  I could feel my blood start to boil.  L said that she was going to get me a small gift that was similar to what she was going to give K for the office shower and then give me a "real" gift in private.
That was it.  I couldn't take it anymore.  I looked at her and said, "Do you think this is all about presents?  That all we care about is getting stuff?"  In a fit of what I can assume was preggo anger, I grabbed my registry that she had printed, and I tore it up.  I told her that she could buy whatever she wanted, but that I was going to return it.  I told her that this is a time for celebration, and now it is being tainted.  I most certainly did not want to celebrate Sully like this.
I walked out of her office and sent P a scathing email about how the shower was done and I didn't want to hear another word about it.
Thankfully, K had left for the day because I would never want her to know how people felt and how "adults" in our office were acting.
I ran into another coworker in the hallway, D, and told her that the shower for Tuesday was cancelled. When she asked why, I told her that I was sick of the grumbling and it wasn't worth it. 
I went home and thought about it all night.
Yesterday morning when I got into work, I had an email from D and another coworker M.  They pretty much knew how jerky P and L were being and decided that they were not going to dictate our fun.  They both agreed that this is a special circumstance and all babies and mamas deserved to be celebrated. M and D decided to throw the shower instead of P and they took the reigns and basically gave everyone the finger.
We still are not going to let K in on the real reason that people are assholes because we would never want her feeling so badly.
So I ask you this:  Who is right in this situation?  Is is L, who believes that K should step aside and opt not to be involved with this shower and that she is being greedy by not stepping aside?
Or is it me, who believes that all there are special circumstances where someone may get a second shower?  Where it would be wrong in such a small office, having two women pregnant SO CLOSE together, and deciding to only celebrate one?  Where it is wrong to assume that all celebrations are about presents?!

I appreciate all your input ladies!  Apparently L isn't the only one that feels this way and I am flabbergasted.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Sully Update and 32w 5d

I am sitting on the cusp of 33 weeks.  I can't even believe it.
These 33 weeks have completely flown by and I am getting more and more anxious to meet my son. 

My son.

It still feels so surreal to say that. :-)

I had an OB appointment today.  I had them test me for a UTI because I was feeling a weird feeling in my vagina.  Not so much a pain, but almost like a pulled a muscle.  It was really an awkward feeling.  I was starting to have to pee even more in these past few days so I thought I perhaps had a UTI.
I haven't heard from Dr. S's office all day, so I am assuming that the test was negative.
Anyway, I asked Dr. S about this weirdo twinge in my lady station and he said that since Sully is head down, he is really pressing on my bladder AND sometimes the head causes a "charlie horse" in your hoo-ha. 
Really?  Now I have a Charlie Horse in my koo-ka?  I swear, the weirdest things happen during pregnancy.
Dr. S assured me that it was nothing to worry about, and that it is just a part of it.

My belly is once again measuring bigger.  ::UGH::  Haven't I already been through this?  We discovered that it is amniotic fluid and tummy fat! :-)  Dr. S wants to do another growth ultrasound on the 26th and see where Sully is at size-wise.  If Sully is growing ahead of schedule, then we will talk about inducing me at 38 weeks, which is a mere 5 1/2 weeks away!  I am not all that thrilled at the possibility of an induction.  I heard most of them lead to a C-Section and I am trying to avoid that like the plague.
We will just see though.  I not going to get myself in a tizzy until I know for sure.  And we have already been through this before when they thought he was big last month.
Either way, Dr. S isn't going to let me go past 40 weeks because he doesn't want Sully to get too big.  I may be OK with that. :-)
Either way, this little boy is coming soon or sooner!
I can't even wait!


Friday, October 7, 2011

I am gonna need you to STFU

It has been quite a while since I was so riled up about something that I felt the need to post about it on here and rage against the machine.  I am not 100% sure if I have reached total rage status yet, but I am definitely close.

It all started with Facebook.  I am not one of those people that looks on Facebook with disdain.  I don't take that crap so seriously.  I mostly use mine to post funny statuses and keep connected with my family who lives all over this stinkin' country.  Also, with my brother being deployed, we use Facebook IM to talk to each other when he can't get to a phone.

But this time, Facebook and I are at odds.

As I am coming closer and closer to my due date, my friends and acquaintances are deciding that they feel the need to offer "advice" or little quips to Robert and I.  Whether it is a random wall post, or a comment on a status, people feel it is their duty or something to opine on anything having to do with a pregnancy or parenting.
Lately, little comments have been rubbing me the wrong way.  I usually brush them to the side, but last night was kind of the final straw.  Robert and I finished our 3 day long birthing class.  It had been every night after work for three days, and it was 3 1/2 hours each time.  It was painfully long and the chairs were so uncomfortable.  And staying up past 10pm for three days in a row, really took its toll on me.  I actually overslept this morning.  I know birthing classes seem dorky, but it was really nice to know what to expect and what to do when I actually go into labor.  I didn't know if I was supposed to call Dr. S, was I supposed to go to the ER, what were we supposed to do?  It was also nice to get preregistered for Sully's arrival and know what to expect after I give birth and what pain management options there were. We even got a diploma and little feeding organizer.  The people were really nice and the birthing suites are really nice.  My city isn't a giant metro area so we don't have tubs in our birthing suites but each room has a private shower that I will be utilizing.
Anyhow, back to my anger.  So last night, after completing this class and being slightly excited about it, I posted on my Wall how excited I was that Robert and I "graduated" from birthing class and we had received our "diploma" and now we were ready bring it on.  Mere minutes after my status update, people starting commenting on it.
Here are some of the nuggets of wisdom that people decided they needed to share:.

"Diplomas don't mean shit to guys."

"So whattaya gonna do? Frame it?"

"We will remind you about that statement in the middle of labor."

"Or we will remind you when you child is screaming and telling you no."

Nice huh?  No comments telling us how excited they were for us, or how cool it was.  Just that kind of snarky scrap.  Let me tell you, it has really gotten to me today.  I thought about it for most of the night and all day today.  I was contemplating writing a snarky status to kind of be a passive aggressive asshole, but I decided against it.  That would make me just like them. 
It really does hurt me though.
I mean, do you think I really care how tired I am going to be?  Do you really think that I am going to hate the sound of Sullivan screaming?  Really?  Do you really think that I am going to wish I was never pregnant because labor isn't gonna feel as comfortable as a massage?
The answer is no.  All those things are fleeting.  He is not going to scream his head of all day every day until the end of time.  I am already tired now so it doesn't really matter if I continue to walk around like a zombie.  Obviously I am doing OK if I have managed to only miss 1 day of work while still being the chair of two volunteer events.  And labor doesn't last forever.  You aren't in labor for months at a time.  It is 2011 for the crissake and there are epidurals, IV meds, peracervical blocks and so on and so forth.  Why are people so amped up about how bad labor is going to be?  Do they really hope I have a bad labor?  Do they need the gratification of being, "Haha mother effer!  Hurts like a bitch huh!?"

Part of me wishing that everyone knew about the struggles Robert and I had to endure.  Not for pity, but maybe for sensitivity.  Maybe if people knew how terrible it was, they would be more inclined to be our cheerleaders instead of jeering from the sidelines.
Then the other part of me knows that I wouldn't want everyone to know.  And I most certainly wouldn't have wished our issues on anyone.  I wish nobody had to endure hurt like we did; like other IF moms and couples have to.
I would never want someone to know what it is like to fall to your knees on your bedroom floor with your last round of Letrozole, crying so hard you are dry heaving and praying to God to please, please, please come through and help you have this blessing.  Hoping and praying that this is the cycle it happens.  Pleading that this is the cycle that you get your miracle.
I would never want anyone to fake a smile when your are told by a friend that she is pregnant on the day you learn that you no longer are.
I would never want anyone to have to look at her husband and show him yet another pregnancy test is negative and feel like a failure.
I would never want anyone to have to know what HSG, IUI and IF are acronyms for.
I would never want anyone to have that hurting, aching, yearning feeling like I had for so long.

I would rather have them feel the complete and utter joy I feel when Sully wakes up in my belly in the morning.  He is kicking and squirming and letting me know how happy he is. 
I would rather have them be as excited as I am to welcome this new little boy into this world.
I would rather have them feel the immense amount of happiness that I feel everyday I wake up next to my amazing partner and have to move the pregnancy pillow so I can get out of bed because my big, swollen belly is housing my son.

I would much rather have that.

I think of myself as so blessed to be carrying Sully.  I look at my belly and I can see it jumping around under my shirt.  I think that is such an amazing feeling.  I can't wait to be able to hold him in my arms, kiss his little cheeks and let him know how much I love an adore him.
Robert and I may not be millionaires or royalty, but I will make it my life's goal to make sure that Sully knows everyday that he is loved and that he is special. 
I want him to feel secure and safe.

Most days I look back to that night I spent on my knees on my bedroom floor.  I don't think I have ever cried or prayed that hard in my life.  I clutched that cycle of Letrozole like it was made out of solid gold.  I remember talking with God and telling him all the wonderful things that Robert and I had planned for our babies, and what I would do if he helped me out here.   I remember a feeling coming over me as I climbed into bed.  Like maybe God had heard me.
Less than a month later, we found out I was carrying Sully.

I guess I hadn't realized how much this had all been building up.  Even now, the tears are coming in a mixture of remembrance and appreciation. I am just so lucky.

So all the advice givers, nay-sayers, non-supporters and jerks; please think before you offer unwarranted opinions

To all the women out there still struggling; hang in there.  Have faith.  Be strong.
To all the women that are pregnant now; be healthy.  Have faith.  Be strong.
To all the women who are already mothers; feel blessed.  Appreciate what you have. 

To my husband, my partner and Sully's father; you are amazing.  I don't know how I could have survived this without you.

To Sully; keep kickin' pal.  We have less than 8 weeks until your due date and I can't wait to see you.  Daddy and I are fixing up your room this weekend.  We love you, buddy!

To everyone else; keep the faith.

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life.  You stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes; with your right hand, you save me."
Psalm 138:7

Thanks again, Lord, for being there that cold, and now miraculous February night.

Monday, October 3, 2011

31w 4d

How far along?  31 weeks, 4 days 

Weight gain/loss:   I am up another 1 1/2 lbs this month!  Wahoo!

Maternity clothes?  Yep.  And sadly, most of my shirts ride up throughout the day so I am have been showing a lot of midriff lately.  It really isn't a pretty sight. :-)

Stretch marks?  I am getting a few more now.  They were just around my scar for the longest time, but now that I am really pushing out my belly, I am getting a few on top of my tummy.

Sleep?  Kind of..... I am getting up about every 2 hours to pee still.  I won't cut down on my water consumption though because I am absolutely convinced that it is the only thing keeping me from getting swollen feet.  I chug water all day at my desk.  And, I am still dealing with some sciatica which makes sleeping kind of impossible.

Best moment this week?  Having a girl's shopping day on Saturday with Meghan and Baby Lily and then having a football party with the Kimbers on Sunday!  I love spending time with that little peanut!

Food cravings:  I am still eating those organic Braeburns like they are going out of style.  Yesterday, I ate 3 of them.  I really don't know what it is, but I can't get enough.  I suppose that is better than eating my weight in ice cream.

Gender:   Sully is still a boy! :-)

Belly button in or out?  Still technically an innie.  I am getting nervous that it will poke out all the way, but fingers crossed that it doesn't.

Movement?  Oh yes.  His movements have been getting stronger since he is bigger now and it feels more cramped in there.  I am told that movements become less frequent when space gets cramped so I hope that doesn't freak me out.

What I miss?  Sleep.......

What I'm looking forward to:  We have our childbirth classes this week!  Robert is kind of nervous still and I think this will be a good chance for him to ask questions and get a tour of the maternity wing.  I am also going to preregister at the hospital.  AND we are FINALLY starting renovations on the nursery!  I will be posting lots of pictures when it is done!  Keep your fingers crossed that it goes smoothly!

Milestones:  Being in the single digit weeks away from delivery... these next 8 1/2 are gonna fly by.. :-)