Finally Forever: Labels and a turning point.

Morning,

I thought all night of how I wanted this post to be written. I agonized over how I would word it. I planned and edited. And now, I am just going to wing it.

Yesterday was a huge blow. AF came with her no-baby-for-us vengeance. We knew there was always a possibility that the IUI wouldn't work, but it is always a letdown. I had no idea that the bigger let down was coming.
I called my RE and talked to his nurse. It had always been the plan that if the first IUI was not successful, I would do another cycle of the Letrozole, trigger shot, IUI combo. Thanks once again to our lovely former governor T-Paw, I would have to pay the $100 out of pocket for the actual IUI procedure, with the office visits covered under a normal office visit coding.
My RE's nurse decided to call the insurance company to make sure everything was kosher. I had a pit in my stomach while I waited for her return call. When my direct line rang the alarm of the familiar number, I almost threw up. Then, she laid it on it me.

My office visits were denied.

The insurance company told her that I had been labeled "infertile" because of my previous claims on my old insurance, so now any office visits to my RE would be considered "for the treatment of infertility" and therefore, not covered under the new state rules for private insurance. If Robert and I wanted to do another IUI cycle, we would have to private pay completely...... at $1000 a pop. Who am I, Rockafeller?! NOT.
We could have flexed one more IUI, but then our flex for the whole year would have been gone, and I ya know what? I just couldn't do it.

I didn't realize how much the stress was getting to me. I physically felt exhausted, drained, and at the end of my rapidly fraying rope. The anxiety was knocking me down, and I just couldn't do it anymore. And then I realized: me getting so wound up is not making my body ready to carry a baby. Of course I can't conceive in this stress filled environment. Coming to this epiphany was the hardest thing I have done in my whole TTC journey. Was this God's way of showing me that there is another way? Was He telling me it was time to take a breather, and relax for a change? I think so.

I am a very tough person and realizing I couldn't beat my body into submission was heartbreaking. I needed to take a break and regroup. I decided to leave work at noon yesterday. I know it is a total cop out, but I needed a good, long cry. I spent what would have been my lunch hour, with Melissa. We drove around and bitched and cried and joked. I really don't know what I would do with myself if I didn't have her. When I dropped her off at work, she got out of my car, and as she was shutting the door she said, "You are going to be a great mother someday." She had no idea that I cried for 5 blocks after she sad that. I just love that girl. Speaking of tears, they were just starting. I also had something else to do: tell Dan.
Up until now, Dan had no idea we were TTC. It was just easier that way; or so I thought. I knew I was too upset to be able to plaster on a smile and act like everything was OK when I got home. I pep talked myself the whole way home, and was actually looking forward to spilling my guts. When I got home, I sat myself on the sofa next to my doggirl, and let the dam I had been building inside me, finally break. I told him everything. The trying, the loss, the disappointment, the IUI, everything. I let the words and tears finally flow freely. And just as I hoped, he listened, and was supportive. He told me that he understood and offered words of wisdom.
After getting it all out, it felt like a giant bag of cinder blocks had been lifted off my chest. I am the world's worst liar and keeping that secret in was eating me up. Dan and I spent the afternoon bumming around Target and the grocery store. He treated me to a hot pretzel and a diet coke. Whatta pal.
I went home, put on my footy jammies (or my Unitard as Robert so affectionately calls it) and played the Wii. It was so nice to actually relax. I took my first deep breath in what felt like months.

Now that Robert and I have made the decision to put it all in God's hands completely, I feel a sense of calm and relief. No more worrying about follicles, basal temps, implantation, IUI, trigger shots, none of that. Robert and I can go back to focusing on each other, our house, and our lives. I am so lucky every single day of my life. I have a great job, a beautiful house, spectacular family, and a husband that loves me to no end. Thank you God for all of my blessings.

Now for the forward motion: This epiphany also came with a new zest to help other women like me. I know I am not alone out there and if I can ease the mind of just one woman, I will consider myself a success. I have also decided to be proactive and write letters to our new Democratic Governor, Mark Dayton, and other officials here in Minnesota. It is not fair that a hard working, tax paying, user of PRIVATE health care, cannot get the insurance coverage for fertility. It is my God given right to bear a child for the crying out loud!

::insert American flag backdrop and trumpet melody::

I can't wait to post about where I go from here.   I know there is a purpose for me, and better yet, I know I am going to be all right. As trite as it sounds, Life isn't about trying to survive the storm, but learning to dance in the rain. And I have my dancin' shoes tied tight baby!

If you are reading this, and you are feeling the same way, you are not alone. I know it sucks and nothing is more exhausting than TTC.   I am always here to listen.
My email is:
courtney.kile85@gmail.com

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned the Lord about it:

"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."

The Lord replied:

"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."