Anxiety

Morning,

Well, here I am.  I am in the second week after the IUI.  The wait is making me crazy.  We are supposed to take an HPT on Friday and we are hoping it gives us our BFP!  But the days leading up, are torture.  Robert keeps wanting me to test sooner, but I just can't do it.  What if it is negative?  What if it is negative and if I just would have waited until Friday, it is in fact positive and then I made myself nuts for days?  I just have to wait.  And every twinge I feel in my tummy make me think, "Oh crap.  Am I getting AF?  Is that implantation?"  I have been compulsively going to the bathroom at work to double check.  So far, nothing.  And Friday is still three long days away.  And then I am getting weird feelings in my breasts that make me wonder, "Is that from the hormones?  Are they tender?"  I have been consulting Dr. Google and of course I get a myriad of different answers.

And believe me, in my heart I know that I should not be freaking out like this, and just God take over because He will take care of me, but it is so unbelievably hard.  I just don't want to have to see the look on Robert's face if it didn't work.  I hate that feeling of failure.  Even writing this, I am getting that familiar tingle in my nose, like here come the tears.  Thank goodness I have become a pro at keeping them at bay. 
I know Robert would never blame me or be angry with me, but I can't help the way I feel.  He is so supportive and I don't know what I would do without him sometimes. 

This is probably the hardest thing I have ever gone through.  Nobody can completely understand until they have been in my shoes.  And to be frank, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.  I am still very hopeful and positive though.   I have just been listening to a lot of music, reading a lot of scripture, and doing a lot of praying.  We also got out of town this weekend to have Christmas with Robert's parents, and that was a nice distraction.
Robert's mom even bought me hot pink footy pajamas!  I love them!  Aren't the feet adorable?



We even went to my favorite place for dinner on Saturday.... the good old 5-8 Club, home of the Juicy Lucy!  Yum YUM! 

I suppose I shouldn't hold work off any longer.  Duty calls. 

~Courtney

"Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."   Jeremiah 29:12-13