Roadside Assistance Albatross

It is Monday morning again!  How did the weekend zoom by us already?!

This weekend was actually quite enjoyable.  I really miss Sandy lately, so Friday night, I cooked up one of the best meals she has ever made for me!  It a flank steak with a Gorgonzola and shallot cream sauce.  It was to die for.  I, of course accompanied it with her famous roasted baby reds!  YUM YUM!

On Saturday, I went to my aunt and uncle's for breakfast.  My aunt Joanna has really been a calming force through all this TTC crapola.  She really keeps my mid off of things and keeps me grounded.  Of course she is also the mother to the cutest boy ever, Max.  Max is seriously one of the best children I have ever met.  He is well behaved, smart, polite, basically everything a parent strives to have their kid become.  I absolutely love spending time with him.  I like to think that he and I have a special bond.  Perhaps he felt like I needed a little extra squeeze because he wanted me to pick him up and snuggle him while the waffles were cooking.  It was just perfect.

We had a nice breakfast, I played Noah's Ark with Max while he took a bubble bath, and then he got out the V-Smile and played Pooh's Honey Hunt.



I was feeling pretty relaxed and content.  We had gotten a little bit of snow the previous night and I was a little nervous about getting my non four wheel drive vehicle out of their driveway.  When I went to leave, I wasn't getting much traction going forward, so I decided to back down the driveway.  I suppose this is the time I need to tell you that I am a HORRIBLE driver in reverse.  It is a miracle that I haven't gotten into an accident while backing up!  I went slightly (like three feet....) off the driveway and ended up in a snow bank.  Great.  I tried to give it the gas and then rock it, and nope.  It wasn't going anywhere. 

I honked the horn to let Joanna that I was obviously not going anywhere, and she came out to help.  We got the four wheeler out and decided to try and push the car.  We tried pushing it from the front bumper, we tried pushing it from the back bumper, and nothing.  I don't particularly like being outside in the winter time so I decided to play the girl card and call Roadside Assistance.  I mean, that is why I pay for it right?

I called them up, explained my embarrassing situation, and was then transferred to Bitchy Brenda.   This chick was either having the worst day on earth, or completely hated her job.   She was a complete pain the the kiester.  Brenda asked me if the road had been plowed that morning.  I told her it hadn't, but it was plowed last night.  She said, "Well, I am showing that road is not maintained and therefore we cannot assist you."  Serious?  "We cannot risk getting a wrecker drive stuck in the snow."  

 You are telling me a two ton wrecker cannot make it down a road?  I don't believe you, lady.

I was so furious that I hung up on her, only to have her call me back ten seconds later and ask, "Did you mean to hang up on me, Mrs. Kile?" 

Uh... sure did... CLICK.

I ended up having to call my mom and Ken to come and help push me out.  I was infuriated since I pay to have roadside coverage.  I did call my local office and filed a complaint.  Brenda for sure needs an attitude adjustment.  I did make it home safely and spent the rest of the day in my jammies.

I cooked a big french toast breakfast on Sunday and we watched the NHL All-Star game.  The Wild had two players in it this year!  Woot!  Robert fixed some tacos for dinner and we just chilled out.

Next weekend will be busy.  My friend's sixteen year old has her very first formal dance.  I will be on up-do patrol!

This post has taken me hours to write because today is beyond crazy at work!  I am hoping tomorrow's post won't take as long!

Have a good week!

~Courtney

Fake it 'til you make it

Fake: adj.   Not genuine, fraudulent. -n One that is not authentic or genuine; a counterfeit, impostor, or sham. Faking: v.    1.  To contrive and present as genuine; counterfeit.  2. To pretend; feign.

Sham.  Feign.  Pretend.  Make Believe.  Put up a front.  Bluff.

I do all of those things every day.  Today was was hardest bout with faking it to date.

I had a dental appointment at 7am.  I like that my dental office has convenient hours.  I also adore my dentist, and the receptionist there is a friend of a friend.  It is usually a fun experience, or as about as fun as a dental cleaning can be.  I had my check up, with a REALLY perky new hygienist and I had zero cavities in these pearly whites.  I even got a pink tooth brush:



Everything was coming up roses.  My teeth looked great, it is Friday, and I have lots of good stuff planned this weekend.  I stopped at the desk to show off my new tooth brush to the reception ladies and have a quick chat.  They asked how my dog was and I filled them in on her impending surgery.  Of course the dreaded question came up:  "When are you and Robert going to have kids?!"

 ::FAIL::

I gave them one of my carbon copy answers and I thought I had side swept that punch, but they came back with an outta-nowhere-uppercut:  "Well don't wait too long!  You are going to be too good of a mom to wait!  Hurry up, huh?!" 

Seriously? 

 Why would you say that to somebody?   I realize that you don't know my situation, but why would you say that to anybody?  I am sure my face got red and I could feel my cheeks get hot.  I knew I was on the verge of losing it.  I muttered a quick "thanks" and made a lame excuse to hightail it out of there.

I made it to my car in the parking lot, and then I couldn't hold the tears anymore.  I had a nice cry on my way to work.  Sometimes I think you just feel better after a long, hard cry.  I always feel refreshed, in a way.  I have been in a funk this week.  I know it goes in phases, and this is just a bummer phase, but I can't wait for it to pass.  I try so unbelievably hard not to let things like that get me down, but I couldn't be that tough today.

Instead, I was a sham, a counterfeit, a faker.

~Courtney

A sigh of relief

First and foremost, I revamped my page a little bit?  You like?  I am slowly learning how to personalize, customize, and do all the other "izes" to my page.  I'm just glad I was finally able to throw some pink in this bia!
So tax filing turned out not at all like I was expecting.  My employer had made a mistake on my W-4 and I was worried that Robert and I would have to pay in.  Our tax preparer was a complete tool and of course, we make too much money for any of the big marriage credits, but we got a rebate on our new roof!  I will definitely put that in the win column.  There was only one part where I thought I was going to strangle the tax preparer; the dreaded kid question.  Here is how the convo went down:

Tax Guy:  Do you guys have children?
Me:  No (I am sure my voice showed my disdain)
Tax Guy:  ::weird look on his face:: Oh.... that's a big deduction... ahahahah
Me:  Yes, I know that sir.  I have spent thousands trying to make that happen.
Tax Guy:  ::shifts nervously in his chair:: Well then, you should look into adoption.  You get a HUGE return then.

Really dude?  You think I am doing all of this for a tax refund?  I just wish people wouldn't find it so crazy, and off the wall when I say, "No, I don't have any children."  I mean, what if I was a person that never wanted kids?  What if I hated kids?  Or a person that has had TTC troubles and loss?  Oh wait, yea, that's me.  People need to think more before they speak.

The rest of it went without a hitch.  We are getting a tidy little refund and I think some new house projects are in the works for the spring.  Yea baby!

I got a work meeting that I should get ready for.  Have a good Thursday!
~Courtney

Insurance makes me crazy

I can't even begin to describe how nuts insurance really makes me.  I knew I would have a lot of work to do because I had so much done at the RE's office in December and I figured there would be some leg work.  We also switched providers and I was kind of thinking there would be some hoops to jump through.
I finally got all the bills together, and sent them in for reimbursement.  I was waiting patiently for the check when I got a letter from my HRA company that my claim was denied because I had failed to send in not only the bills, but the EOBs as well.  UGH.  I had specifically called them to double check what I needed to give them.  I was told to send my bills and a completed HRA reimbursement form.  So I did.  No one said anything about the EOBs.

Of course I have no idea where all those EOBs are, and I don't have time to scour the piles of junk mail that they are probably sitting in.  I had to log into my old insurance company's web page, print of all my EOBs from December (there was 11 by the way) and then fill out an HRA form for ALL 11 EOBs, scan it and email it to myself in a PDF and then FINALLY email it to the company.  Really?  That is a whole lot of rigmarole.

As I was adding up all the totals, and listing what they were for, it completely bummed me out.  It was almost $2000.  $2000 of failure.  $2000 of complete, and total let down, heartache, and pain. 
It is hard to look back and see what I had to put my body and emotions through, and then in the end, I didn't get my desired result.  My usual sunny demeanor is kind of taking a vacation today.  It may be because Robert and I are filing taxes tonight; and I am dreading it.  Last year, we had just started trying and our accountant and I talked excitedly about how I hoped I would be having to claim my first dependant this year, and how cool that would be. 
Now it is tax season again, and I still have no dependant to claim.  Even as I write today's blog, my cheeks are hot and there a few tears that threaten to leak out.  I even requested a different tax consultant.  I just don't want to answer the "How come you don't have kids yet?" question.
I just don't really want to deal with that today. 

I guess I will just have to learn that I will have good days and bad days.  Today is a downer day.  Tomorrow I am sure, will be better.

~Courtney

My first blog award!

I got my first blog award!  I know it probably isn't as big as the Oscars, but I was pretty darn excited!  Even more so because I got the nomination from B!  Thanks girl!  So here it is:

The rules for accepting this award are:
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

I got this from B from at http://www.bbhalphen.blogspot.com/.  I wish I knew how to just put her blog name as a link there like she did to mine, but I just spent twenty minutes trying to figure out how and I can't!  Bummer!  Teach me B!  You are the blogging all-star!  I am stoked about this though.  I really want to get my blog out there more.

Now, seven things about me.  Well here goes:

1.  I think John Prine is a totally under appreciated musical genius.  I can listen to his duet with Bonnie Raitt called "Angel from Montgomery" like a zillion times on repeat.
2.  I am one of the rare people that actually love their job.  It is hectic and crazy but I can't live without it.
3.  I am one of 6 kids.  Only one is blood related, the others by marriage, but I love them all.
4.  I really thought I would have kids by now
5.  I love to sing.  I always pretend I am on a show or a big stage when I am driving to work.
6.  I am a die hard Gleek.
7.  My dad is my hero.  His strength and faith astounds me.

As for my nominations, ladies... all five of you (wink wink), you all get this from me!  YAY!

And B, I need a Blogger tutorial!  Hook it up!

~Courtney

With a little help from my friends.

This weekend was kind of difficult for me.  After all our struggles, I am overcome with a myriad of new emotions.  Pangs of sadness, jealousy, anger, determination, and it is all over my empty uterus. 
I had my friend's baby shower this weekend.  They are the friends who told us they were pregnant the day I suffered my first loss.  Although I am pleased to pie for them, the fact that it all happened on that day makes the memory a sore subject still.

I was anxious all morning about it.  I definitely overcompensated my feeling by buying her tons of stuff!  I bought the hamper off her registry and filled it with an ear thermometer, every baby medicine I could find, a nose sucker, and a Star Wars onesie that says, "Jedi in Training."  I was at Helen's before the shower and she decided that I needed to go out afterwards to get my mind off of things.  I was grateful for that good idea!

The baby shower was at a girl's house, whom I have never met before.  I just really hoped that I could come off as my cheerful self.  The beginning of the party actually was OK.  The girls were funny, the house was cute, and Meghan looked positively glowing in her sweater.  Meghan is the envy of all pregnant women.  She has a cute little belly and has not gotten chubby at all.  You could also tell that she was sublimely happy.   I was finally starting to feel at ease and then, the double whammy.  Two more girls came in who were pregnant too, all at different stages.  I felt like looking up to God and saying, "Really?  I mean, Really??!  One preggo wasn't enough?"

I fought off that gut punch and enjoyed the rest of the party.  I got into my car and thought I had come out unscathed, but then they came.  The tears.  And ya know what?  I let them flow.   I am fully aware that I should not let these types of things get to me and I should just let it go.  Trust me, I know that.  But sometimes, that is just better in theory.  Sometimes I need a good cry.  And that is what I did.... all the way back to Helen's house.  Helen must have sensed that I was on the edge and just took over.  She did my make-up, dressed me up all purdy, and we headed out. 

One thing I am eternally grateful for, is my amazing group of friends.  It is so nice to be able to walk into a place, and get sincere and giant hugs.  I spent the evening playing pool, laughing, dancing, and watching an over imbibed Helen. They completely took my mind off of things and made me feel awesomely adored.  Thanks guys.  I hope they know how much they mean to me and that they may my weekend that much brighter.  Helen, Ben, Ian, Josh.... love you.

I spent Sunday cooking, relaxing, and watching movies with the World's Greatest Husband.  Sad to say though, we watched the new "A-Team" and it was pretty much lame-city.

Another week is upon us and I am feeling very scattered today.  I overslept and spent the morning in a scramble-fest.  I really hate that.  Needless to say, my hair is a nightmare today.  :-)

~Courtney

Brrrr... it's cold up here... there must be some frost in the atmosphere!

It is diabolically frigid here in the Northland this morning.  The windchill makes it feel like it is -40 degrees.  ICK.  I had to bundle up like the Michelin Man to come to work.  Unfortunately, it is going to stay this cold all weekend! 

Day 3 of no smoking is going surprisingly well.  The only time I ever have the urge to smoke it when I am driving to and from work, and usually I pop a piece of gum and I am fine.  It also helps that I have been doing a lot of singing lately so I belt 'em out in my car.  I am sure there will be situations that come up and I will get stronger urges to smoke, but I am really ready to be done with all of this. 

I am treating myself to a pedi tomorrow at noon.  I need a little pick me up before the baby shower.   I am really looking forward to the shower since she is one of my good friends, but there is still that pit in my stomach.  It just gives me a knot and makes me slightly ill.  I am so looking forward to seeing her new baby and snuggling him (at least I am pretty sure it is a him, they don't want to find out) but I still get the ugly green monster of jealousy.  I know it is normal and okay to feel this way, but sometimes it really bothers me.  I can only hope that I can fake a huge smile and really make sure she has a good time.  Robert and I got her TONS of stuff.  I went a little overboard, but oh well.  I am sure she will like the stuff!

We are working with a skeleton crew in the office because some people are afraid to come out in the cold.
WHINERS! :-)
Well folks, duty calls!
~Courtney

Operation: Stop Smoking

I bit the bullet.

Dan and I decided that it was time to stop smoking.  Smoking has been my one awful habit.  I started when I was twelve and stopped getting carded at age fourteen.  Everyone in my family smoked so it made it really easy to get away with it.
I smoked quite a bit in my younger days, but I have cut back a lot.  I don't smoke in the house so thanks to the Minnesota Deep Freeze, it is too cold to stand outside and smoke.
I knew that smoking was bad for me and when I spoke to Dr. S about quitting while TTC, he said to just wait and let something implant so I didn't jar my system with trying to quit.  I didn't smoke nearly as much when were were TTC.

The past couple days, Dan and I both knew it was time to quit.  I am a good quitter.  I have done it lots of times.  I always come up with good reasons to have a cig and then I back pedal into full on smoking again.  Well, not this time folks.  I went to the store this morning and got some provisions:



I think I am ready now.  Wish me luck!

~Courtney

He surely does work in mysterious ways

Morning all,

I had such a great and relaxing long weekend.  I love having Mondays off.  I like them even better than Fridays off. 
With everything going on lately, I knew that I really wanted this weekend to just be as relaxing and carefree as possible. 

As a pick me up, my boss purchased me a gift certificate to get a massage at my favorite spa.  I made the appointment for Saturday.  If anyone out there has not had a professional massage, I would highly recommend it.  It is beyond wonderful and really makes you feel spectacular.  I knew that the massage therapist would ask questions about why I was there, and where was I hurting.  Even though I try and pinch it closed every day, that wound is still open.  The minute I began to answer her questions, I couldn't stop the couple of tears that spilled out.  I told her that we were having the worst time TTC and we had a loss, and that we had decided to take a break from trying.  There was something so calming about her.  I just couldn't put my finger on it.
She told me to strip down to where I was comfortable, and she would be right back to start.  Considering how many OB appointments I have had, I had no shame.  It was Au natural time baby. 
The massage was wonderful.  I felt all the tension and baby stress just leave my body.  Lindsay, the massage therapist and I got to talking, and that is where God stepped in.  She asked me more about the TTC and how I was feeling.  I told her that I was overwhelmed and feeling like a giant failure.  Lindsay then told me that she rents a space and does massage, especially for women in my situation.  Really?!  Is this an angel?! I almost teared up again.  She told me her sister in law had tried everything for years to get pregnant and had no luck.  She came to Lindsay to relax and after a few months, BAM.  She got her long awaited BFP.  Lindsay was so thoughtful and kind.  We decided that I would see her every other Saturday to get an hour long massage.  And she is even cutting me a deal.  Can you believe it?  I can't wait to get a massage every other week.  How relaxing!  I know this will definitely take my mind off all this TTC shit.
Is it next Saturday yet?!

Robert and I had a lunch date after my massage.  It was nice to take an afternoon and hang out with my hubby.  We even picked out a baby shower gift for Ty and Meghan.  I already got her a ton of practical stuff, but I wanted to add a little outfit.  Robert picked out a little onesie T-shirt that has a picture of Yoda on it and it says, "Jedi in Training."  It is really adorable.

Joel came over and spent the night with us on Saturday.  I made some yummy steak fajitas for dinner.  We watched movies, and the boys "murked titties" (played games on the PS3) long into the night.  Yea, the murkin' titties thing freaked me out too but I guess it is totally acceptable gaming lingo.  Weird.
Sunday morning I made pancakes and spent the day in my jammies.  Sunday was the Golden Globes and award season is a big deal in the Kile/Brenning house.  Dan and I made homemade soft pretzels cheesy bacon dip.  I drank a bottle of di 'Asti and we watched Chris Colfer win his first Globe!  TEARS!

Robert and I both had yesterday off in honor of Mr. Martin Luther King Jr.  I cleaned and did laundry.  Robert relaxed in the man cave.  I am pretty sure I fell asleep at nine o'clock. 

Now I am back at work at it is crazy as ever!  Be good to me Week!  Don't be insane every day! :-)

Have a good Tuesday everyone!

Labels and a turning point.

Morning,

I thought all night of how I wanted this post to be written.  I agonized over how I would word it.  I planned and edited.  And now, I am just going to wing it.

Yesterday was a huge blow.  AF came with her no-baby-for-us vengeance.  We knew there was always a possibility that the IUI wouldn't work, but it is always a letdown.  I had no idea that the bigger let down was coming.
I called my RE and talked to his nurse.  It had always been the plan that if the first IUI was not successful, I would do another cycle of the Letrozole, trigger shot, IUI combo.  Thanks once again to our lovely former governor T-Paw, I would have to pay the $100 out of pocket for the actual IUI procedure, with the office visits covered under a normal office visit coding.
My RE's nurse decided to call the insurance company to make sure everything was kosher.  I had a pit in my stomach while I waited for her return call.  When my direct line rang the alarm of the familiar number, I almost threw up.  Then, she laid it on it me.

My office visits were denied.

The insurance company told her that I had been labeled "infertile" because of my previous claims on my old insurance, so now any office visits to my RE would be considered "for the treatment of infertility" and therefore, not covered under the new state rules for private insurance.  If Robert and I wanted to do another IUI cycle, we would have to private pay completely...... at $1000 a pop.  Who am I, Rockafeller?! NOT.
We could have flexed one more IUI, but then our flex for the whole year would have been gone, and I ya know what?  I just couldn't do it. 

I didn't realize how much the stress was getting to me.  I physically felt exhausted, drained, and at the end of my rapidly fraying rope.  The anxiety was knocking me down, and I just couldn't do it anymore.  And then I realized:  me getting so wound up is not making my body ready to carry a baby.  Of course I can't conceive in this stress filled environment.  Coming to this epiphany was the hardest thing I have done in my whole TTC journey.  Was this God's way of showing me that there is another way?  Was He telling me it was time to take a breather, and relax for a change?  I think so.

I am a very tough person and realizing I couldn't beat my body into submission was heartbreaking.  I needed to take a break and regroup.  I decided to leave work at noon yesterday.  I know it is a total cop out, but I needed a good, long cry.  I spent what would have been my lunch hour, with Melissa.  We drove around and bitched and cried and joked.  I really don't know what I would do with myself if I didn't have her.  When I dropped her off at work, she got out of my car, and as she was shutting the door she said, "You are going to be a great mother someday."  She had no idea that I cried for 5 blocks after she sad that.  I just love that girl.  Speaking of tears, they were just starting.  I also had something else to do: tell Dan.
Up until now, Dan had no idea we were TTC.  It was just easier that way; or so I thought.  I knew I was too upset to be able to plaster on a smile and act like everything was OK when I got home.  I pep talked myself the whole way home, and was actually looking forward to spilling my guts.  When I got home, I sat myself on the sofa next to my doggirl, and let the dam I had been building inside me, finally break.  I told him everything.  The trying, the loss, the disappointment, the IUI, everything.  I let the words and tears finally flow freely.  And just as I hoped, he listened, and was supportive.  He told me that he understood and offered words of wisdom. 
After getting it all out, it felt like a giant bag of cinder blocks had been lifted off my chest.  I am the world's worst liar and keeping that secret in was eating me up.  Dan and I spent the afternoon bumming around Target and the grocery store.  He treated me to a hot pretzel and a diet coke.  Whatta pal.
I went home, put on my footy jammies (or my Unitard as Robert so affectionately calls it) and played the Wii.  It was so nice to actually relax.  I took my first deep breath in what felt like months.

Now that Robert and I have made the decision to put it all in God's hands completely, I feel a sense of calm and relief.  No more worrying about follicles, basal temps, implantation, IUI, trigger shots, none of that.  Robert and I can go back to focusing on each other, our house, and our lives.  I am so lucky every single day of my life.  I have a great job, a beautiful house, spectacular family, and a husband that loves me to no end.  Thank you God for all of my blessings.

Now for the forward motion:  This epiphany also came with a new zest to help other women like me.  I know I am not alone out there and if I can ease the mind of just one woman, I will consider myself a success.  I have also decided to be proactive and write letters to our new Democratic Governor, Mark Dayton, and other officials here in Minnesota.  It is not fair that a hard working, tax paying, user of PRIVATE health care, cannot get the insurance coverage for fertility.  It is my God given right to bear a child for the crying out loud!                   

::insert American flag backdrop and trumpet melody::

I can't wait to post about where I go from here.   I know there is a purpose for me, and better yet, I know I am going to be all right.  As trite as it sounds, Life isn't about trying to survive the storm, but learning to dance in the rain.  And I have my dancin' shoes tied tight baby!

If you are reading this, and you are feeling the same way, you are not alone.  I know it sucks and nothing is more exhausting than TTC.   I am always here to listen.
My email is:
courtney.kile85@gmail.com

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned the Lord about it:

"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."

The Lord replied:

"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

"If you remain in me, and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you."  John 15:7

~Courtney

Swing and a miss.....

That tingle in my nose is back and I am not sure I can stop it this time.  I am praying I make it through the last half hour of work so I can go have a big cry in my car.

After getting cramp like pangs this morning, I just knew I was going to get my period.  I kept trying to stay positive and tell myself, "Maybe it is just implantation bleeding.  Don't stress out."  Who was I kidding.  I know my body so well.  I know every pain, twinge, and need, and this was for sure AF.

I saw pink when I went to the bathroom this morning, but this at 2pm, there it was.  In all of its crimson fury.  I guess I am not surprised that the first IUI wasn't successful.  I had looked at success rates and it wasn't too promising.  I kept telling myself before the procedure that I wasn't going to get excited, I would just see what happens, but damnit!  I was excited.  After the HSG, and learning how awesome Robert's sperm was, I was just so sure that this would work.  Robert and I talked it over and we decided that we would try the Letrozole/IUI for one more cycle and see what happens.  Then we may just stop all treatment and try naturally.
I know I am a tough chick, but I will tell you what, I didn't realize until now, how much this was wearing on me.  It is starting to take its toll.  I had to call Doc Sebastian and I am waiting for his nurse to call back.  She is so awesome and I am really hoping I can hold it together while I talk to her; I doubt it though.

I am still going to take an HPT in the morning to be sure, but this is really a no brainer.

I am going to continue with my "It sucks today but I will be fine tomorrow," routine.  But yea, today, it really sucks and all I want to do is cry.  Life really just isn't fair sometimes.
~C

Anxiety

Morning,

Well, here I am.  I am in the second week after the IUI.  The wait is making me crazy.  We are supposed to take an HPT on Friday and we are hoping it gives us our BFP!  But the days leading up, are torture.  Robert keeps wanting me to test sooner, but I just can't do it.  What if it is negative?  What if it is negative and if I just would have waited until Friday, it is in fact positive and then I made myself nuts for days?  I just have to wait.  And every twinge I feel in my tummy make me think, "Oh crap.  Am I getting AF?  Is that implantation?"  I have been compulsively going to the bathroom at work to double check.  So far, nothing.  And Friday is still three long days away.  And then I am getting weird feelings in my breasts that make me wonder, "Is that from the hormones?  Are they tender?"  I have been consulting Dr. Google and of course I get a myriad of different answers.

And believe me, in my heart I know that I should not be freaking out like this, and just God take over because He will take care of me, but it is so unbelievably hard.  I just don't want to have to see the look on Robert's face if it didn't work.  I hate that feeling of failure.  Even writing this, I am getting that familiar tingle in my nose, like here come the tears.  Thank goodness I have become a pro at keeping them at bay. 
I know Robert would never blame me or be angry with me, but I can't help the way I feel.  He is so supportive and I don't know what I would do without him sometimes. 

This is probably the hardest thing I have ever gone through.  Nobody can completely understand until they have been in my shoes.  And to be frank, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.  I am still very hopeful and positive though.   I have just been listening to a lot of music, reading a lot of scripture, and doing a lot of praying.  We also got out of town this weekend to have Christmas with Robert's parents, and that was a nice distraction.
Robert's mom even bought me hot pink footy pajamas!  I love them!  Aren't the feet adorable?



We even went to my favorite place for dinner on Saturday.... the good old 5-8 Club, home of the Juicy Lucy!  Yum YUM! 

I suppose I shouldn't hold work off any longer.  Duty calls. 

~Courtney

"Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."   Jeremiah 29:12-13



Finally Friday

Hey all!

Oh man, I am TGIF-ing to the fullest today!  This has been a long week back at work.  I was up to my ears and my desk looked like a bomb hit it.  Thank goodness I have been Danielle Diligent this week and I have waded my way through all the work!  I love leaving on a Friday and having a clean desk with nothing in my in box.
Tonight after work, we are heading to the cities for a late Christmas with the in laws.  I am hoping my mother in law came through and got me footy pajamas!  I know what you are thinking, "footy pajamas?? You are 25!"  And yes I know this, but last time we were down there, we went to a store and they had ADULT size footy pajamas!  And they were pink!  I was in heaven.  I am a pajama freak anyway, but footy pajamas take the cake!  I am also very excited to get the last of our Christmas presents to their rightful recipients!  All our Christmas stuff was put away last weekend except for these wayward gifts. 
We will spend tonight at his parents and then go to his brother's on Saturday.  I always like to get home by noon on Sunday or else it seems like our weekends were spent with no down time.  And let me tell ya, I could use a nap today!
Also, in one week from today, I will take an HPT and let's hope I get a BFP!  The suspense is killing me!
Have a good weekend!
~Courtney

When words fail......

Morning,

I am a big believer in the healing power of music.  I think a great song, played at just the right time, can really stir something up in your soul.  My father is a musician and I feel as though music has flowed through my veins ever since I was a child.  He taught me how to appreciate an artist's voice, lyrics, and message. 
In these past 14 months of trying to expand our family, I have relayed heavily on music to get me through some dark times.  I wanted to share those with you today.

"Where words fail, music speaks." - Hans Christian Anderson

Let It Be - The Beatles

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom,

Let it be

And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom,

Let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom,

Let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer,

Let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer.

Let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow,

Let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom,

Let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone)- Chris Tomlin

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine

I will end this post with words of wisdom from my amazing dad:

“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass … Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.” (Psalm 37:4,7)

~Courtney

Did I tell you baby, You are the joy of my life...

Morning,

I have been sitting at my desk with a blank new post window up for the past thirty minutes.  I have so many things rolling around in my head, but I am actually at a loss of what to say.  This week has been a roller coaster.  I have been so antsy about this IUI and waiting to find out if this is finally it. 
After my blood draw, I called my RE's office to get the results.  Of course they were backed up.  I didn't hear anything so I called this morning.  Here are my results:
Progesterone: 8.4-  My RE told me that anything over 3 is what we hope for.  I don't want to get my hopes up, but this is good news.  I started taking the progesterone pill last night.  Now I guess I will take those until I get my period of a long awaited BFP!

Hemoglobin: 15.7 - which is normal

I am glad my blood work came out wonderfully.  I have to wait until Next Friday the 14th to take a HPT.  I am excited and scared all at the same time.  I don't want to get my hopes up and have them crushed again.  I keep telling myself that if it doesn't work, I will be just fine... but I have a feeling that might be a lie.  Let's keep fingers crossed. :-D

I am also sending out big hugs and prayers to someone today.  You know who you are.  I am so sorry and I am here.  :-)

I don't know how I am going to make it 10 days without knowing.  I guess my still spasming back will keep my mind off of things. 

I suppose I better do some work now.  My brain is just too scattered to make a post that makes semi-sense.  Maybe later, or tomorrow.
~Courtney

Insemination and spasms.

I have so much to tell you all and my mind is so scattered, I am hoping I can get it all out without having it be a jumbled mess!  Here goes nothing:

So Friday was the big day: Insemination.  I could barely sleep Thursday night because I was so excited.  I know Robert was too.  He and I were both nervous about having him make a "deposit."  I went to warm the car up and wait for him.  He came out and looked a little down hearted.  Let's just say that there wasn't a lot that he deposited.  I know he felt bad, but I knew we had to make the best of it.  I was just so excited that Robert finally got to meet Dr. S!

We went to the lab ASAP and dropped it off.  We waited about 45 minutes for the lab to finish processing it.  I was actually kind of nervous that there wasn't going to be enough for the procedure.  The lab tech came out and was all smiles.  Apparently Robert is Fertile Myrtle!  When you conceive via intercourse, only approximately 500,000 sperm actually make it to the egg.  For a more successful insemination, they hope for 20 MILLION sperm.  Robert's magic number?  109 MILLION!  I know it seems ultra weird to get to jacked about sperm (pun slightly intended) but I mean, 109 million have to count for something right?!

As for the procedure itself, it was quick and painless.  Although, you have to lay at an awkward angle and it was SUPER uncomfortable. (More on that later.)
After the insemination, Robert and I decided to have a nice weekday lunch together, which we never get to do.  We went to Famous Dave's and got our grub on!  Then we went home and decided to veg a little.  The weather was awful so there was no guilt over the laziness.  Oh yea, and I totally relented and the Bert bought his longed for PS3.  He was like a kid on Christmas that got a Red Rider BB gun from Santa.  He was content playing that so Dan and I watched the second Season of "True Blood", which I got on sale at Target for $14.99!  That is a steal.

I woke up Saturday morning and my back was on fire.  It was so sore.  I have an old back injury from my group home working days but this just seemed slightly different.  I figured I had just been in that weird position during the insemination and it was just sore.  I decided that I needed to walk it off so I called Mom and we decided to hit up the mall.  I got tons of stuff from the sale at Bath and Body and a shirt for $3, it was pretty much awesome.  I did feel my back start to kick up again though.  I decided that maybe the solution wasn't to "walk it off."

Sunday it was slightly better but I decided to take it easy.  I made my famous simmering spaghetti and Dan and I discovered that the 3rd Season of True Blood, was on demand for FREE!  That is the last season that Dan has yet to see so that worked out perfectly.  And my dog-girl loves True Blood snugglefests.  We share the couch and Granny's quilt and she is in heaven!



Now to the spasms; I woke up this morning and I could barely walk.  I literally thought I was having a stroke or something.  I woke Robert up and he slapped on an Icy Hot back patch.  I stuffed my heating pad in my work bag and went into the office.  I could barely stand it.  I called Dr. S and he wanted to see me just in case anything was wrong.  I went in for a quick ultrasound and thank goodness, it was nothing internal.  We came to discover that I have 3 spasming muscles in my back.  UGH.  It is a serious pain in the butt.  He prescribed me some muscle relaxers that are safe to take in case I am pregnant and I need to rest.  I think I am going to just park it on my sofa tonight and not do much of anything.  Of course that is hard to do when there is laundry to be done and dinner to make!  I think it may be frozen pizza night at our house!

When I went in to see Dr. S today, he did my progesterone blood draw.  I am still waiting for those results!  We won't know if the insemination was successful until next week sometime.  How am I supposed to wait that long!? Haha

Thank goodness I have a half hour left of work.  My back is about a 9 on the pain scale and I am ready to blow this popsicle stand. 

~Courtney