It's a dog-eat-dog world.

Traumatic. That is how I explain yesterday.
I got a call at work that my baby (my 8 year old pure bred Pitbull) Eve, was refusing to stand. I was so nervous. She had a knee replacement in the spring and it was discovered that she had a degenerative knee disease that is similar to rheumatoid arthritis. The doc had told us that she would need her other knee replaced eventually, but we had no idea that it would be this soon.
I called her vet right away and they were able to get us in.
I left work and when I got home, she looked so sad. Talk about breaking my heart! I wrapped her in her sherpa blanket and Dan and I loaded her in the backseat.
Eve loves going for car rides but whether it is the vet, or the groomer, she hates them all.
When we got into our exam room, it was like 10,000 degrees in there. Her vet is really amazing, but there was a new nurse there and I swear, she was built like a Hungarian cattle herder. She was a beast. And she was really man handling Eve! I didn't like it one bit.
So of course, I am tearing up, and sweating, and Eve is looking at me like, "Get me outta here Mom!" I felt rotten to say the least.
Her surgery will cost $1400. We cant afford that right this minute with the holidays coming up but he said that we can do it after the first of the year. Hopefully we can get the extra dollars by then.
For now, she is on complete bed rest, pain meds, and a diet. Her vet said she is 5 lbs overweight so we need to cut down her food. When I gave her breakfast this morning, she stared at her bowl like I had barely given her anything. :-(
And now in the morning, in addition to the fish oil I already give her, I have to give her this liquid pain killer and antiinflammatory called Metacam. She most certainly did NOT like me squirting that stuff in her mouth. My coworker Lynn has left over Tramadal pain killers from when her dog was ill and she is going to give them to me. Those are little doggy narcotics that kill the pain and help her sleep at night. I checked with Dr. Daugherty about the Tramadal and he gave us the OK to give it to her.
Hopefully we can just keep her content and comfortable until her surgery. Keep your fingers crossed!
~Courtney

It is coming down in sheets

Rain, Rain, go away. Please don't come another day. It is pouring rain and freezing cold AGAIN today. The winter in Minnesota is upon us and I am not ready. I don't want snow, windshield scraping, and wet socks. It is supposed snow tomorrow and I am dreading it. Thank goodness I leave for my North Carolina vacation in 3 weeks! Holly Springs here I come!
I am still feeling blah but way better than yesterday. I went home and feel asleep at 2pm and basically slept all day. I got up enough to eat something so I could take the Metformin and watch a little bit of the Wild game, but I could barely stay awake.
Robert is feeling better too. Still kind of crappy but we are both at work today so that has to say something right?
Although I did exchange my dress shoes for my slippers and my contacts for my glasses today. I just need to be comfy!
I commissioned the boys to go to the grocery store for me tonight though. I am just too busy this week and I ALWAYS go, so tag! They're it!
Also, I find this weather is messing with my already wacky emotions. I am sure part of it is this stinkin' birth control I am on this month, but I cry at the drop of hat. One of my little guilty pleasures is I love the show "Boy Meets World". Don't ask me why, I just do.  Haha. Robert thinks my prepubescent addiction to this show is strange, but I just like it. Anyway, I was watching it yesterday (because, yes, I DVR it....) and there was an episode where Corey and Topanga babysat a neighbor's baby and they baby always cried and Topanga was able to get the baby to sleep and it was so cute and next thing I know.... I was crying. Yep.... bawling to TGIF. Really? Thanks a lot Fred Savage! I really hope I can get these crying spurts in control! Haha. How lame is that right?!
Well I suppose I better do more work now. Thank goodness the office is almost completely empty. I want to blast my ipod today. I need the lyrics baby.
~Courtney

Monday comes in with fever.

Morning.
Ohmygoodness... I feel like death warmed over today. I woke up about a zillion times last night and each time I was sweating and hot and feeling like crap.
This morning is no better. I have lots to do today and don't really have time to be sick. Mondays are crazy at work and I have to work on Women Rock afterwards so there really is no rest for the wicked.
I bet you are wondering what Women Rock is. Well, Women Rock is an annual event to raise money for breast cancer research. After Sandymom was diagnosed in 2007, we submerged ourselves in everything and anything breast cancer related. Women Rock takes place at our ski lodge and it is basically a pampering day for women and all the proceeds benefit the research. There is shopping, facials, massage, a chocolate fountain, tattoos, a silent auction, and a fashion show. It really is a great event! I look forward to it every year but it is a lot of hard work to get it just right.
I have to meet with the organizer Bonnie tonight and finish the baskets for the silent auction. We have some good stuff this year!

The rest of the weekend was pretty wonderful. Saturday was spent with Helen and we basically vegged out. We got some chips and salsa, 2 bottles of wine, and SATC 2. EPIC WIN. Then at night we took my sister Lisa, who was in from out of town, to the bar see the band. Even though all the new medications make me nauseated, there was fun had by all. My sister over imbibed and she was hilarious. And nothing beats a 2am Perkins breakfast right?!
Sunday was the chill day, which I DRASTICALLY needed. I watched 7 episodes of "One Tree Hill" on the DVR (yes, inside I am still a teenage girl that is lusting over James Lafferty), snuggled with my dog, ate cereal for breakfast (which is about the only thing that agrees with my stomach) and watched the Vikes lose, yet again.
I hit the hay early and woke up with the flu. Ick-a.
Well, lots to do today, I should probably get to it!
~Courtney

Train Day

Hello all,

Today is Mandatory Fun Day at work. Obviously the economy has given the legal aid programs a 1-2 punch so we are in dire need of a morale booster. My office decided to close early today (which is my definition of fun) and go on a train ride up our beautiful North Shore. We are going to have lunch and play games and then get to go home afterwards... I love it.
All families of staff is welcome and everyone is bringing their kids. Now, this could have been a time where I get all bummed out and have an awesome pity party, but I decided to go the other route. I called my aunt and decided to take my favorite little guy, Max. My aunt and uncle had Max later in life and he will probably be their only child. He is funny, smart, and a real neat kid to be around. He loves trains and I cherish the time we spend together. I mean, when you don't have a kid of your own, you just borrow one right? :-)

I'm really looking forward to some R and R this weekend. My sister and niece are coming in from Hudson because my sister's friend is giving birth. She was kind of in the same boat as me so this is a really exciting birth. I am sincerely happy for my sister's friend.
Then tomorrow, I think my sister, Robert, and I will out and watch my friend's band play. Nothing makes the weekend better than 80's rock baby!
I must also find time to clean the bedroom. We have been so busy lately that it looks like my closet threw up everywhere, and I really cant stand that.
Well, it is back to the grind!
~Courtney

Putting on the big girl pants

Hello starshine.

I decided that after my round of complete, and utter sadness yesterday, that I would put on my big girl pants and start this morning off with a new attitude. I put on my fiercest make up, teased my hair to heights that Tawny Kitaen would be jealous of, pushed my chest out and greeted the world with a giant bravado. I walked confidently into my office and hopefully that toughness will stick with me all day.
I must confess though, taking the birth control today, in addition to the Metformin, really bummed me out.
I have a busy week this week so hopefully I can keep my mind off of things.
Robert and I have to go to a joint birthday party for his friends on the 30th. Both of his friends will be the Dirty 30 and it is going to be a costume party as well.
I decided to revive an old costume from my younger days and I will be going as Nurse Feelmeup. It is an oldie, but a goodie. And it is cheap. I already have the lab coat, all I need is a mini skirt and fishnets. CLASSY. :-)
Robert and I are going to try and take our minds off things and go shopping for the Halloween items tonight. I am making his favorite dinner, and then I think we are going to hunker in and watch the Wild. Thank God for Mikko Koivu.... he is a fox!
~Courtney

Buttercream and tears......

Afternoon,

I am not going to lie to you,  I am very sad today. I try so hard to keep it together, but today, I crumbled.

I had my other internal ultrasound today, and was supposed to start the Clomid so we can get going on this whole baby making thing, but, my body had other plans.
When I went in the first time, there was a golf ball sized cyst on my left ovary. Obviously that was the biggest factor in the PCOS diagnosis. After seeing that, I was to go home, have my period, and then I was going to come in on the 5th day of my cycle (today) and then check to make sure the cyst had shrunk. Well, it did shrink, but not enough. It is not malignant or anything, but if it doesn't shrink, and I was to get pregnant, I run the risk of getting very sick.
So, unfortunately I cannot start the Clomid, and get this?! I have to take birth control for the next month to try and shrink the cyst. Um, can I just say that I do not appreciate the irony here. Then, I have to go back in on November 17th, the day before I leave on my vacation, to see if the cyst has gotten any smaller, then I could start the Clomid.
Ya know, to a normal person, a month is a short amount of time, but to a couple TTC, it seems like an eternity.
As soon as Dr. Sebastian told me I would have to take birth control, I started crying. I couldn't believe we had to overcome yet another road block. I got in my car and cried all the way to work (with a supplemental diet coke stop in the interim). I pulled myself together in the car and I thought I would be just fine. I came in, sat down, and one of my favorite co-workers, Lynn came up and said, "How did it go?"

Cue the waterworks.

She saw my eyes well up and immediately brought me to her office. And then I let go. I cried so hard (yet quietly, since I was still at work) and she just hugged me. I told what the doctor said, and she said the very right things I needed to hear: "I am really sorry and that really sucks." Yes, it does suck. I know I will be fine tomorrow and I will get my strength up and I will face this new hurdle with gusto but right now, this really, and truly bites the big one. I was able to regain my composure and the rest of the morning has been going OK.
I just wish I didn't feel like my body was failing me! I just want it to function properly!
And to make matters worse, as I walked out of the doctor's office, some chick was walking towards the building and she was out-to-there pregnant and SMOKING! I could have rang her neck. I had to quell my desire to smack her in the face. How can she take that life for granted!?

A friend of mine, and baker of my wedding cakes, is opening a shop and deli a block away from my office. I walked down there on lunch and she must have just known something was up. She immediately handed me a spoon with a nice dollop of chocolate ganache buttercream..... mmmm. So yes, I ate a blob of buttercream for lunch, don't judge me. :-) I am pretty sure Eileen's buttercream could make anyone's day brighter.

I know I will suck it up and beat this hurdle like I do everything else, but still, I am sad today.
~Courtney

This girl is wiped out

I haven't posted in a couple days! I have been back and forth to Aitkin for work, and it really took a lot out of me!
We had to go up to Aitkin County and talk to clients and providers to get their feelings and suggestions about legal services. Oh man. It was a lot of work but it was nice to sit down with clients and see how they are feeling about what we do and how we can help them better.
Working for a legal aid is very rewarding, but extremely stressful.
I was on the road at 6:30am both days and I put in 12 hour days, including 3 hours of that on the highway. I actually fell asleep at 8pm last night.
And on Tuesday, before I left, Robert's car died. UGH. I had picked it up from the tire place since we had just paid $200 for new tires and when I got home, the car wouldn't even start.
I called my mechanic, who came and towed it, and lo and behold, it was the alternator. Now the car is at the shop and will be done today... after I pay $330. Grr.... as if we aren't paying out enough money right now? At least his car will be all set to handle another Minnesota winter.

I have an appointment with Dr. Sebastian on Monday. I was supposed to start my period tomorrow, but it surprised me by starting at 4:45am when I got up to go to Aitkin yesterday. Oh joy.
I will have another internal ultrasound then I will start my first round of Clomid that day.
I am really anxious about it, I am praying that it works.

I have a billion and a half things to catch up on today! Work beckons.
~Courtney

I could have slept for a zillion more hours

Here I am, back at work. Another week is upon us. I am dragging butt today. Robert spent most of the weekend snoring and then I was up early to start Sunday dinner yesterday so I feel like I barely slept.
I am adjusting slightly to the Metformin. I am still only taking it at night but starting Wednesday, I will start taking a half tab in the morning in addition to my nighttime dose. And of course, my favorite overly helpful coworker and attorney extraordinaire Lynn, has decided one way to help is to have me eat 10 prunes a day. Yep. 10 of them. Now, I actually like prunes, one or two of them. I find eating 10 of them is pretty difficult. Thank goodness I brought soy nuts today to cut the prune-yness. Blech.

The weekend was pretty good. Dan and I went estate/rummage saling on Saturday. The first few were busts, but then we found some Japanese wood bowls that we can use for entertaining and a meat mallet that is hot pink! I couldn't pass it up! And it was $.50! WIN.
We were driving home and saw a sign for another rummage sale. It was on the way so we decided to stop... pretty sure this old guy was a crazed serial killer. He had a bunch of girl's bathing suits, dirty pillow cases, and the most random assortment of crap. Like these little delights:



Seriously? Donald Trump had a game? Weird. And this aerobic chick? Apparently she was big on "General Hospital" in the '80's. HAWT.

Sunday was pretty mellow. Robert mowed, I cooked a big roast dinner, Dan and I watched "Iron Man 2" and vegged with the dog. My dog is an 8 year old Pitbull named Eve, and she is my little honey. She is the opposite of what people think pitbulls are. She is loving, and wonderful, and I wouldn't trade her for the world. I mean, come on! Look at that face:

Hopefully the work day goes fast and I can get outta here and relax tonight. Mondays are hectic at work and today is no exception. I am cranking the Ipod way up today. Thank God for David Coverdale....

~Courtney

A little visitor

Friday! Friday! Friday!

I am seriously thrilled that the weekend has decided to show up. I am in dire need of some R & R. This Metformin makes me seriously queasy and I am not loving it.
My friend Lynnae came up for a visit from Iowa. She gave birth to a little boy named Aubrey (yea I know.. I am not too fond of the name for a boy either...) and he is so stinking adorable!
He is only 2 1/2 weeks old and quite the snuggler. They came to my work today to visit during lunch! I could have snuggled him all day!

I mean, really??? Look at that handsome devil! I couldn't even put him down to have the picture taken, I had Lynnae do it! I was just too excited.

Of course, yes, it did make my uterus skip a beat. Actually, I am pretty sure I had uterine arrhythmia. It definitely makes you yearn. But I most definitely enjoyed our lunch time canoodle.

Well, I am going to TGIF to the fullest today and grill some burgers. Sounds good right?

~Courtney

And so it begins

Morning all,

Can I just say, that I am so freaking nauseated this morning? I started the Metformin and oh my goodness... no wonder they say that you lose weight while taking it. I feel so sick that I am literally drinking a 52 ounce glass of ginger ale.
I woke up at 3:30 in the morning and felt like I was sucker punched in the stomach. I have never felt a wave of nausea like that. It came on suddenly and with a purpose. I shot out of bed and basically hung out in the bathroom for a while. I took some anti-nausea syrup and was able to sleep for a few minutes.
I told myself that no matter how hard this got, I would continue to live my life. I pulled myself out of bed when my alarm went off and got ready for work like I normally do, albeit slightly slower. And now here I am, at work. I won't let this icky thing win. I will push through and continue the best I can.
I have a zillion things to do this morning so I am going to have to get going. Hopefully the nausea subsides.
~Courtney

Finally... some peace.

I woke up this morning, and actually felt at peace and rested.  I guess I didn't realize how worried I was about this fertility issue.  Learning of my hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) and my insulin resistance, has really made my entire life make sense.  I have spent the better part of a year, working out, dieting, and basically trying to cut my excess tummy weight.  I have never had the best of luck with it, and now knowing this new information, I can finally start accomplishing my goals.  When someone is insulin resistant, it makes cutting the weight very difficult.  Hopefully with the Metformin, I can finally look as healthy as I feel.
The doctor said this could have been diagnosed when I was 14 and the first cysts were discovered.  Better late than never I guess. 
Going to Dr. Sebastian has finally given me hope and piece of mind.  I feel like there is hope now.  I know God has a plan for Robert and I and I know He will bless us with a beautiful child.

I am really glad that Robert and I told dad and Sandy what was going on.  It is such a relief to have someone to talk to and celebrate this small victory with.  I know they are really positive about this and considering this good news.  I know for most people, PCOS is a huge blow to them and they think their options are closed, but that couldn't be farther from the truth.  There is a lot of things one can do to combat this gnarly issue.  I am hoping that I can get to know more women struggling with this same issue and possibly help them.  I think most people take having children for granted.  I would think that  people would appreciate the gift of life.  For some of us, it is not easy and the fact that there are people everywhere taking it for granted, makes me irritated.
I guess I am rambling slightly this morning, but just forgive me.  I am kind of giddy about my options and about finally sleeping through the night!  I feel like I could run a marathon!  OK, not a marathon, more like a 5K, but still..... I feel great nonetheless......
~Courtney 

Update: Blood Work

How do doctors seriously expect you to be patient? I have been on pins and needles, waiting for Dr. Sebastian's office to call.
Well, when my phone was lacking on the ringing department, I just sucked it up and called.
First off, his nurse is wonderful. I am sure she was irritated that I busted up her planned afternoon and wanted to horn in on my results.
So here is what I know:
My estrogen and progesterone levels are extremely low, which is why there has been no successful buns in the oven and why I couldn't sustain the implantation from last month.
My hemoglobin A1C is in the normal range.
My insulin level was off. My doctor told me that from the ultrasound, I could have the poly cystic ovary syndrome, which I mentioned before. The insulin level suggested that PCOS was the culprit of my infertility. I am a little bummed out that there is an actual barrier to my family expansion, but it is nice to actually have an explanation.
Our first part of out attack plan is to start me on a drug called Metformin. Metformin is a drug that is usually prescribed to treat type 2 diabetes but it is also used to treat PCOS, which is caused by an insulin resistance.
Then, I need to go back in between day 2-4 of my cycle to have another internal ultrasound and see what is going on with those ding dang cysts! I already scheduled that appointment for Oct. 18th. My cycle has been pretty regular so that should be about day 3 of my cycle.
After the ultrasound, I will be starting on either Clomid or Leprozole.
I can already tell that this will be a crazy ride, but I am willing to take it. I will take all the good thoughts I can get right now!
~Courtney

Weekend and the appointment

Oh my goodness! It has been a few days since my last post and I have so much to tell you!

I had a spectacular weekend! Robert and I went with my family to the Apple Fest on Saturday. It is my favorite weekend of the year. I mean, any excuse to eat cheese curds is OK in my book. I got a new purse, walked around, and really enjoyed the nice fall weather.
Sunday I went to my cousin Joshua's soccer game. They were playing the in championship.... and... THEY WON 1st PLACE! He was so proud and it was nice to see all the kids so excited about their accomplishment.
I am sure you are all waiting in suspense about yesterday. Well, I actually feel bad about being so worried.
I barely slept Sunday night in anticipation. My stomach was in knots and my brain was going a mile a minute.
When morning rolled around, I seriously felt like my feet were stuck in cold molasses. I just could not get the energy to move very fast. It was like my subconscious was waiting until the last possible second before I actually had to leave the house. And of course, in true Courtney Anna fashion, I had to make sure my outfit and hair was just right. I had to tease, curl, spray, accessorise, the whole chimichanga.
When I got there, the receptionist checked me and I then I had to do my least favorite thing; hurry up and wait. UGH.
When my name was called, I felt like I was going to dry heave. I knew I had to put my big girl pants on and get this done.
The waiting room smelled like rubbing alcohol and socks. I nervously played Frozen Bubble on my phone before I heard the knock on the door.
Dr. Sebastian came in and sat down. I was nervous and shaking but I was actually holding it together. That was until he started talking.
"So, you and your husband want to be pregnant and it just isn't happening huh?"
Cue the waterworks.
I started to bawl my eyes out and I expected him to just try to get me stop and let's carry on with the appointment, but he did the opposite. He reassured me that he was going to everything he could to make this happen for me and it was OK to cry and that I had nothing to worry about.
What?
So he isn't this big, scary male gyno guy that I had dreaded for weeks? Was I starting to like him? Well sheesh.
He made me feel so comfortable and safe, and I didn't realize how much I actually needed that.
I was actually surprisingly comfortable during the exam too! Weird.
He decided to do an internal ultrasound, which is about as fun as it sounds.
There is a cyst on my left ovary, which I already knew was there. He wants to double check that and I will be tested for Poly Cystic Ovary (PCOD). It is fairly common and easy to treat. We aren't certain that is what it is, but at least it is nice to have an idea.
He drew some blood to check my estrogen/progesterone levels and to see if I am pregnant. I should get those results back today.
If I am pregnant, then great.
If not, then I would go back during the start of my cycle to see if the cyst has gone down at all. Then, he would start me on a round of fertility medications; either Clomid or Leprozole. The chances of multiples are higher with these medicines, but I am OK with that. At this point, I will do what it takes.
I left the appointment feeling better than I had in months. I felt at peace and finally like I was making headway.
Robert is being very supportive and nice with me. He rubbed my back last night and was just as excited about the results as I was.
So, I will hear about the blood tests today and either way, there will be forward motion.
I am keeping up the positivity today!
~Courtney

Why do they always ask that?

Morning,

Why do people ask inappropriate questions?  And maybe not even in appropriate, but really personal questions.
Like I told you last night, Helen and I went shopping  in preparation for our girls night out.  And I did get an adorable outfit by the way!  I think I am going to look pretty smokin' tonight.  Anyhow, we ran into a friend of mine that I used to work with.  She is such a great girl.  She went through a messy divorce and has become even more cynical than she already had been.  We were making jokes and having a good time, when the dreaded question came up; "So when are you guys gonna have babies?"
Wah, wah, wah.
I have been asked that numerous times. Usually I make one of the following snide remarks:
"Us? Kids? Not right now!" ::insert awkward, forced laugh here::
"Maybe soon. We are just so busy."
"Oh please, and ruin this size 16 body?"
"Do you know how expensive kids are?!"

But this time was different. Ever since the miscarriage, that question feels like a TKO punch to my uterus. I would gladly take kids now, I welcome a busy life, how much more could I ruin a size 16 body, and I don't give two flying hoots about the money. I just want to be a good mother.

Once I got over the urge to toss my cookies, I just looked at her and said, "We are working on it. We had a rough month last month so...." She got the picture. I am sure she felt bad about asking, and I really hate that. I wish one of the lame excuses I give were actually true. I wish I didn't want this so badly, then it would make not having it all the more easy.

I did have a great time shopping shopping with Helen and getting a whole new outfit for tonight. (hide the receipts from Robert! haha) And I do have an amazing weekend to look forward to. Girls night tonight and Applefest with my family and friends tomorrow. I am sure I will be wiped out on Sunday.
We have 4 more days until Dr. Sebastian.......
~Courtney