Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love ya, Tomorrow

Morning.

This whole "try not to get excited thing" is not working for me. 

I had my trigger shot yesterday afternoon.  I hardly even felt it so that was a bonus.  Of course later last night and this morning, I have a pretty tender hienie.  The injection site is definitely a little sensitive this morning.  And in true CourtneyAnna fashion, I bumped it into the doorknob of my bathroom door this morning... at 5am.  OUCH.

Tomorrow is the big insemination day.  I am excited, anxious, and quite honestly, a little scared.  After tomorrow, non of these procedures will be covered (see my rant port about Mr. Pawlenty.)  I mean, I am totally willing to pay for the IUI but something just feels right about this time.  I can't really place my finger on it.  Robert and I had a long talk last night and he is a little nervous about his morning date with a cup.  :-)
And it just stinks because everything is on such a time schedule: Fill the cup at 7:30, be to the lab by 8:00, wait an hour, pick it up at 9, keep it warm in my hand, walk it over to Dr. S. and then voila!
I talked the tech when I went in for my trigger shot and she said 2 follicles are definitely better than 1.  So I guess that is a the upside!  I am have been praying constantly and thinking good thoughts.  And, a saying that has kept me going this week: "We want sticky babies!"  Thanks for the pep talks B!
After the insemination, I will have to wait a week, and then go in for blood tests.  If the blood tests are where they are supposed to be, I will go in a week after that for a pregnancy test.  All this hurry up and wait business!  UGH!

I supposed I better open up the office now!  Keep the prayers coming!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord.  "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

~Courtney

Trigger shot??

Hey all!

I don't have time for a super long post but I figured I would update you on what happened at my appointment today.

I had ANOTHER internal u/s.  We saw that I have 2 awesome follicles!  YAY!  We also discovered that my cervix is like uber long (how is that possible? I am 5 feet tall for the crying out the window!) and maybe Robert's little swimmers aren't getting where they need to be.  So....... Dr. S suggested a "wash and spin" and for all of you who aren't "down with the TTC lingo" that is TTC for insemination.

I have to go in at 4pm today to have a hormone trigger shot.  Hopefully that will get me all ready to go for the insemination on Friday morning.  I am sure Robert is just pleased to peaches about having to do it in a cup, but whatever it takes right!  I had to go in post coital this morning and that was difficult.  I won't go into too much detail but I was tired, Robert was tired, and it was quite a struggle.  Let's just say it was the opposite of romantic lovemaking. :-)

I am really keeping my fingers crossed.  After the 1st of the year, none of these treatments will be covered by insurance anymore so I am praying that this is our month.  I even treated myself to Chinese take out for lunch and my fortune says, "An unexpected event will soon make your life exciting."  Is that a good omen?  Is the unexpected surprise twins?  Please God let this work out.  I have been praying with all my might lately.
Praying for me, praying for friends, praying for people everywhere that struggle with the heartbreaking road of TTC.

I am a little nervous for the shot since I heard they give it to you in your behind.  Yowza! And then I even have to walk around the grocery store!  How come every time I have an OB appointment, it always seems like it is a day that I need to go to the grocery store!  Grr.

Please send lots of prayers and good vibes this way!  Hopefully we will get our New Year's miracle!

~Courtney

What did I get for Christmas? An HSG.....

Evening everyone!

I am being kind of a lazy butt today and I wasn't going to post until tomorrow but I have so much to tell that I didn't think I could fit it all in!

I had my hystosalpingogram on Wednesday.  All I can say is that anyone who thinks that does not hurt, must have their nerve endings deadened from being so stupid.   That was THE most painful thing that has ever happened to me thus far in my 25 years on this planet.  Number one, the nurse who was there with me, was a complete pain in the ass.  She was crabby and rude and I wasn't really having that.  Second, the room was like something out an alien movie.  It looked like they were going to remove my spleen to sell it on the black market.
Dr. Sebastian was as gentle as he could possibly be, but as my luck would have it, my right fallopian tube was 100% blocked.  They were able to remove the blockage completely, which I realize is a good thing, but man alive!  That hurt so incredibly bad!  I am not really a crier when it comes to pain, but I was bawling like a baby.  To make matters worse, when I stood up off the table, I gushed blood all the way down to my feet!  I had to have the nurse's aid scrub the blood off the bottoms of my feet.  It was mortifying.  Dr. S did say that he would be surprised if I did not get pregnant this cycle.  I appreciate his support, but I just can't allow myself to get all excited about it.  I don't want to get my hopes up and then be crushed again.  But if you can keep your fingers crossed and send your prayers my way, I would appreciate it!

On to Christmas:
Ahhh.... my favorite holiday.  I absolutely adore Christmas and I really did it big this year.  As you know, I hosted this year.  I spent all day on Friday cleaning, and cooking, and setting up the house just perfect.  We had our table dressed with gold chargers, lined with red and gold Christmas balls, and all of our home cooked food was displayed beautifully.  And and I proud to report that my first ham turned out DELICIOUSLY!  I was so happy!  It was moist and yummy!  Having all of my brothers and their girlfriends here was so special.  I had to stop myself from crying more than once!  We had dinner, opened presents, played the dice game, and had the all important iChat with my parents.  Sandymom was teary eyed, of course.  She really missed us.  Both my dad and Sandymom were excited to see us all together. 
In the early evening, the kids took off to do girlfriend family things, and Dan, Robert, my youngest brother Joel and I hung out and relaxed the rest of the evening.  I make some CDs, iTunes'd, and snacked on ham.

Christmas day we went to my mom and Ken's.  Ken made smiley face pancakes; my favorite.  We opened presents, watched movies, and then went to my grandma's.  My grandma makes the BEST ham in 5 counties.  I always look forward to it.  This is the first year that my whole family has been together in over 20 years.
My uncle Glenn is home from Colorado.  He went through a rough divorce, and it battling with alcoholism.  He is currently in out patient treatment and is sober.  We are all very proud of him.  My cousin Joshua, who is 10, said grace at dinner this year.  He is a very sensitive kid and has the most kind soul.  After we all said our normal grace, Joshua said, "And thank you God for bringing Uncle Glenn home and please help guide him on life's new journey."  There was not a dry eye at the table.  He is such a great kid.  My uncle appreciated it so much.  It made Christmas really special to have us all together.

Sunday was spent on my butt.  I had been running around for weeks so it was nice to take a day and sit in my pajamas.  I watched 4 movies, looked at the paper, watched the hockey game, and went to bed early.  Obviously I needed it because I slept like a rock!!  Haha

Speaking of hockey, the game is on and it is tied at the end of the 2nd period, so I better pay attention!  Back to work tomorrow.... :-(

~Courtney

Walkin' in a winter wonderland.

Well, it is blizzard like conditions here in good old Northern Minnesota.  It took Robert and I over an hour to dig out the vehicles.  LAME.  I am praying our office closes early since the weather is predicting to add 10 more inches to the already foot of snow we have on the ground.

I had a pretty decent weekend.  Helen came over on Saturday afternoon.  We made my Granny's Snowy Fudge and some Oreo Truffles.  They both turned out DELICIOUS!  My Granny used to make me Snowy Fudge for Christmas every year.  It is this wonderful peanut butter fudge that is awesomely sweet and always tasted amazing because my Granny made it.  When she passed away in 2008, the thought of it really bummed me out.  I miss her immensely.  I decided that since I was hosting Christmas for my brothers this year, I should try my hand at making some.  It came out PERFECTLY.  It looked and tasted just like Granny's. 

As you can see, me and my brothers tore into it.  Guess I will just have to make more for Christmas Eve! :-)

This weekend was special because I also got to see the kids.  I have not seen G and Bean since May 30th.  This is the longest I have ever gone without seeing them.  I won't go into the whole long drawn out story, since I already spilled my guts about that on a previous post, but I have missed those two so much.

Dan and I were out delivering Christmas goodies and I decided to bite the bullet and drop off the kid's Christmas presents.

I tried to bring them to my aunt's house, but no one was home.  I figured my cousin would be out and about so I could just drop them off in her porch.  Well, surprise surprise.  They were home.  I felt queasy as I knocked on the door. 

E was surprised to see me, but was very cordial.  She called the kids downstairs and they were so surprised.  They both jumped up and gave me huge hugs.  It took every ounce of strength in my body not to cry.  And then Bean says to me, "Are you taking us today?"  UGH. 

Gut punch. 

 I wished I was taking them with me.  I would have loved to pack them up and see a movie, and play video games, and get some ice cream.  "No," I told her.  "Not today. Hopefully soon."

I watched them open their gifts, and made menial small chat with E.  I wished them all a Merry Christmas and got the tightest hugs in the world from the kids.  I almost lost it when I heard them yell, "I love you!" I could barely choke out an "I love you too...."

I made it to the car and that is when the flood gates opened.  I sobbed so hard my chest rocked.  Thank goodness Dan was there to comfort me or I would have been a mess.  I am sure the kids know I love and miss them with every fiber of my being. 

I spent the rest of Sunday getting the Christmas plan together, and watching movies.  It was nice to have some R & R time with my honey.

I have a short work week this week and my hystosalpingogram tomorrow.  I am kind of antsy about it.  I have had so many things poked and prodded lately that it is starting to wear on me.  Some big wig reproductive endocrinologist from the Mayo is coming to participate.  I just love being a medical anomaly.... not.

I also want to send out lots of hugs and positiveness to my friend B.  She lost her dog this week and I want to make sure she gets lots of hugs!

Have a good week everyone.  :-)

~Courtney

Just my luck.

Defective.

That is how I feel sometimes.  Like I am damaged, but the thing is, I can't be returned for a new model; or refurbished to work better.  I am sure you are wondering what brought this on....

I received my fertility monitor yesterday.  I was so excited.  I could finally begin this new step in our TTC journey.  The way these monitors work is that you put in the batteries and then you don't turn it on or set the monitor until you want to set "the window." The window the the 6 hour time frame in the morning that you will need to perform a test.  I am up relatively early, so I was going to push the button at 6am this morning, which meant I could test between 3am and 9am on the days the monitor required a test. 

I spent a good hour or so last night studying the manual, making sure I knew exactly how it would work, and getting very excited to try it out.  I woke up this morning, put the batteries in, and hit the "ON" button.  The light flashed like it said and then some random icons popped up, and it immediately shut off.  Uh... OK, let's try that again.  So I pushed the "ON" button again.  Same thing.  "Well WTF?"  I thought to myself.  I just assumed I was doing it wrong and decided to call the company helpline.  I talked to a Dierdre at customer service and she determined that the icons that were popping up were alerting me that the unit was in fact, defective.  REALLY?!  Of course it is another road block.  Of course, the unit is defective.  Only happens to me, I swear!
I contacted Amazon.com and they are sending me a new one, and hopefully it works properly.  I know this isn't really a major issue, but it is just another thing that doesn't go right.  And especially when you are having difficulties TTC, you feel like a complete failure sometimes.  Like all these other women are just getting knocked up left and right, and I can't.  Like there is something wrong with me.  Isn't it my God given right to have kids?  Forget the right to bear arms, I want to bear children!

Amazon assures me that the new monitor will arrive tomorrow.  Let's hope they are right.
~Courtney

Are you deaf?

What a complete pain in the butt. 
So, I got word that I have all this money in my FSA that I need to spend before the year is out.  OK, great.  Then, I found out that the fertility monitor that Dr. S wants me to buy is covered.  Even more great. 
I spent all day Sunday going to Target, Walgreens, Walmart, everywhere, looking for it.  No one sells it in stores.
So when I got home, I went online and tried to buy it there.  For some reason, my flex card kept getting denied.  ANNOYING.
When I got to work yesterday, I asked our CFO if she knew anything about why my card was declined online.  She said she would check on it.  I got an email about 20 minutes later, that the card company requests that I call them.  OK FINE.

I call the company and I get this overly bubbly woman to deal with.  She asks me what I was trying to do.  I told her I was attempting to buy a fertility monitor and it was being denied.  I don't know if she just wasn't listening to me, or just wanting to be a pain, but she was like, "What were you trying to buy?" I say again, "a fertility monitor." "What?" Oh my gosh really..... "IT IS A FERTILITY MONITOR."
I felt like I had shouted the words to her. I loved announcing to all those near me that I have a failing womb.  Thanks lady.
She then checked and yes, lo and behold, it is covered (I file that under "Things I already knew for $500, Alex.")
I did find out that I would have to pay for it and request a reimbursement.  Fine.  I had already planned for that. 
As I am about to end the call with Senorita Pain is the Ass, she says, "Hey, so what is this monitor supposed to do then?"  Um... no.  We are not having this conversation.  Is she really asking me this right now? As my first reaction was to let this broad have it with both barrels, I bit my tongue and said, "It helps chart and show ovulation.  Thanks for your help."
End call.
I hate that fact that these companies feel like they can just ask you anything they want.  If it is covered, and it is MY employee contributions into the flex, it is NUNYA.  Thanks lady.
On a good note though, I found the monitor on Amazon for like $80 cheaper AND I bough an extra box of test sticks AND I got free 2 day shipping.  Bonus.  Thank God, considering I need to start using it on the 17th.
I suppose I better open the office and get this day on the road.  Have a good Tuesday!
~Courtney

Baby it's cold outside

Cold is an understatement.  It is absolutely FRIGID outside today!  I love when my state makes the national news because a town not too far from me is -32 degrees today.  Thanks International Falls!  I was bundled up like the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man this morning.  Wool sweater, parka, ear muffs, gloves, and a scarf.  I could barely put my stinkin' arms down! 
We were supposed to get a snowmageddon type blizzard this weekend but then, out of sheer luck, the snow went right below us.  Whew!  I really didn't want 20 inches of snow.  Minneapolis on the other hand... they got a wallop!  The snow was so bad that it collapsed the roof of the Metrodome!  I can't believe I survived a Sunday without watching football. 

Robert and I got the rest of our Christmas shopping done.  It was so cold yesterday, but I had to fight through it!  I got my sister some pajamas from Vickie's (it is so fun shopping for someone who is an extra small.... not) I got my mom her gift card, and my brothers and their girlfriends some gift cards, made my Christmas food shopping list, wrapped some presents, and then watched the Wild lose miserably to the Ducks. 

So, Dr. Sebastian told me to get this fertility monitor that is supposed to help and track my hormone levels.  It is Clear Blue Easy and it is like $200.  Now, I am not worried about the cost and I just found out I have over $300 in my flex I need to burn through until the end of the year.  I thought to myself, "OK awesome.  I will just go pick one up and I can use it this cycle."  Negative.  Not Walgreens, not Walmart, not Target; no one carries it.  You have to order it online, but of course your flex card won't work online because of the shipping charge!  UGH!  I don't want to have to do a paper reimbursement before Christmas!  That defeats the whole purpose of a flex card!!  Grr.  I am going to call Sebastian today and see if he knows where there are some in town or else I am just going to have to wing it. 

Another busy Monday is off to a crazy start.  Have a good Monday everyone!

Let's get mushy

Hey guys!

So, work has been kind of slow today, which I am totally OK with.  I needed a little break.  I am teetering on a burn out. 

With everything going on lately, I am realizing more and more, how luck I am to have such an amazing husband.  Some girls get straddled with these complete losers and I am lucky enough to be blessed with Robert.
Earlier today, I was having a rough day because a client was giving me a hard time and I was talking to Robert about it and I got an email from him with the lyrics to, "When I'm 64" by the Beatles.  It was so sweet that I teared up.  It is an amazing feeling to be loved so wholly and completely. 

When we got married, our song was "Finally Forever" by Chris Cornell, and obviously the inspiration for my blog name.  It is such an amazing song and I just love it.  It always brings me back to the day that I became a Mrs. to the best man in the world.

On the silent night so out of place
I almost lost my nerve
When I saw you walk into my space
A woman like you I could not replace
And it took some patience to catch your eye
Patience to win your heart

Now it feels like I don't have to worry at all
It's finally forever

There's no hill I would not climb for you
No bridge I wouldn't cross
Not a moment passes in my life
That you're not on my mind
Together or apart
And it took some patience to catch your eye
Patience to win your heart

Now it feels like I don't have to worry at all
It's finally forever

Anytime you're lost
Anywhere you're found
Anytime you want
I will be around
Anywhere you seek
Anywhere you stand
Anytime you fall
Anywhere you limp
Even if you break
Anytime I can I will be there for you
I know that you'll understand
You'll understand

Now I never would have imagined this
So I thank my lucky stars
As I see you in your wedding dress
Never would have guessed you'd fill my open arms
And it took some patience to catch your eye
Patience to win your heart

Now it feels like I don't have to worry at all
Yeah it feels like I don't have to worry at all
Yeah it feels like I don't have to worry at all
It's finally forever
Finally forever

Isn't that just beautiful?  I just love my husband and I am so grateful that I will have him by my side as long as I walk on this earth.  I am sending lots of love and positivity into this world.
Have an amazing weekend everyone!  We are getting a blizzard here so I am cuddling in with that outstanding husband of mine and snuggling all weekend!
~Courtney 

Finally some good news!

Whew.  I can finally breathe a slight sigh of relief!  I had my appointment with Dr. S this morning, and to say I was anxious about it would be the understatement of the century.  I could barely sleep.  Then I was fidgety all morning.  I just kept thinking to myself, "Please, please, please.  This HAS to be the day that I can finally get a step forward instead of all these giant leaps back."

When I got to his office, I just had a good feeling.  I can't really explain it, but it was very calming.  The nurse came and got me and I was taken to my usual room.  How sad is that?  I am there so much that I have a "usual" room.  Any how, Doc came in with his handy, dandy internal ultrasound and we started the exam.  I don't think I will get over how uncomfortable those things are.  I felt like he was going to poke it out of my belly button!
I was barely breathing, thinking he was going to say, "the cyst is still a behemoth.  Take some more birth control."  But then it came.  SUCCESS!  My cyst had shrunk to  nearly nothing and I could start the Letrozole next week!  I can't fully tell you how amazing that moment was.  I just cried out of sheer joy.  I finally felt like we were getting somewhere.

After I hopped off the table and got dressed, he came in to discuss the plan.  I am going to start the Letrozole next week, during my cycle, and then on Dec. 22, I go in for a hysterosalpingogram.  What a mouth full huh?  Basically, they are going to put a catheter in my lady station and give my fallopian tubes a little dye rinse.  Like a radiator flush for the lady business.  It is going to be rather painful I am told, but I am willing to do anything.  And besides, I get a pregnancy test that morning so if I am pregnant by the 22nd, who knows!  Maybe I won't even need it!  I am trying to stay really positive here.  Then I have another appointment on the 29th for a post coital ultrasound.  Fun.  Needless to say, Robert is not going to like the uber scheduled sex.  "Wake up honey!  It is sex-thirty!"

I am really trying to stay optimistic here.  This is the first round of good news I have had.  It also made it so nice when I called my dad and he was so happy.  He said it made it day.  That statement completely made my day as well.  Love you, Dad.

So everyone out there, keep your fingers crossed, your prayers prayin', and your good vibes coming!
~Courtney

Has anyone seen my motivation?

Monday morning is here again.  How come the weekends are zooming by so quickly? 

I have been doing a lot of thinking since we are coming to the end of 2010.  I thought for sure I would be pregnant by now.  When Robert and I first starting trying, we thought that 2010 would be our year.  Either we would become parents, or on our way to being parents.  Here we are in December, and we are no closer to that dream.  I know I have been thinking about it way too much lately.  Almost letting it consume every minute of my thoughts.  Doctors, theologists, and just about everyone else says that you need to just quit thinking about it and it will happen.  Yea, right.  I will try not to think about the giant pink elephant in my living room either.  Anyway, I have been trying to get my mind off of it.  I throw myself into work, and Christmas, and my home.  I am chairperson for our annual fundraiser, I am taking on extra work, things around my house are getting done with more gusto than usual, and I am awesomely ahead of the game on the Christmas front. 
Also, when you are TTC, your sex life kind of turns into an assignment.  There is set times, dates, and a purpose.  The spark almost goes out of it.  And of course nothing is more romantic than a reminder popping up on your outlook telling you to do the nasty with your hubby.  HOT.
So last night, I lit some candles, played some nice music, and really made it romantic.  And let me tell you ladies, it was wonderful.  I have to try and remember that this is just as hard on Robert and we all need a little a little TLC everyone once and a while.

I have a busy week coming up, but right smack dab in the middle, is my appointment with Dr. Sebastian on Wednesday.  The constant state of "hurry up and wait" is enough to drive a person bonkers.  I did get a bright spot though.  Some of my appointments were coded differently and will still be covered as of 2011.  Hopefully Sebastian will finagle things for me. :-)

Now all I need is a little get up and go this morning and I will be just fine.  Considering it is a Monday  and I work at a non-profit law firm, I am sure it will be insanity.  Thank goodness for the candy cane I swiped my the office candy bowl.  A little peppermint will do some good.

Have a good Monday all!
~Courtney

This is gonna be a rant.....

I am just going to tell you now that I am beyond furious and this will be a short, little rant.  If you don't want to hear it, I suggest you don't continue to read.

Everyone who knows me, knows that I am a raging Democrat with some conservative tendencies.  Here in Minnesota, we have the world's worst governor, Tim "T-Paw" Pawlenty.  He is a republican waste of space and I can't stand that thought that he is somewhere in my state, breathing my good air.  Earlier this year, T-Paw got the brilliant idea to cut GMAC, General Assistance Medical Care.  GMAC is the medical care you get through the county, the welfare health care plan.  People living on Social Security, or a fixed income of another kind, rely on this health care to take care of them.  Well, good old T-Paw didn't like that idea.  I mean, do poor people really deserve health care?  Not in T-Paw's eyes.  So he slashed it.  Obviously there was some uproar about this as hundreds of thousands of people were now going to lose their health care coverage.  Being the obviously generous guy that he is, T-Paw relented and decided that GMAC would be accepted at four, yep... only FOUR hospitals in the STATE.  And all of them are in the Twin Cities area. 

So, if these people can't pay a health care premium, how on earth are the going to afford commuting to Minneapolis/St. Paul?  They answer?  They can't.  And even if they could, GMAC at these four hospitals won't cover preventative care, just an emergency.  So let's say you have pink eye.  Easily diagnosed, cured with a topical antibiotic.  No more running into your primary doctor, who you trust, for a quick appointment and prescription; now, you have to travel to the cities, wait for hours in the emergency room, and then see someone for five minutes to write you the same prescription.  And as we all know, emergency rooms visits cost WAY for than preventative care.  Way to go, Governor.

I know I have a way of making a long story even longer, but it was all of that to say this.  Recently, renewals for my company's health insurance was coming due again.  We are currently with Health Partners and the coverage is great.  We pay a hefty sum for it, but our employer pays a lot more.  Our insurance has been a life saver, especially with our TTC troubles.  Last week, our Executive Director sent out and email that stated that the State of Minnesota and the insurance companies decided to put some "exclusions" on coverage now.  Some of the 2011 exclusions are:
Treatment for Sleep Apnea
Correction of TMJ
Acupuncture
Weight Loss Surgery
And........
.............................. any and all infertility treatments.
Yep.  No more coverage.  It doesn't matter that I pay out the ass for coverage, just, NOPE. No coverage for you.
I became so enraged and sad.  What were were gonna do?  Without treatment, I am not sure my body can sustain a pregnancy.  I called the insurance company to delve further into the issue.  And you know what the company and the state told me?  It was "not medically necessary to have children, it is an elective."

::Insert steam coming out of my ears here::

Robert and I's only option is private pay.  Average cost of a year of fertility treatments?  $15,000.  I sure don't have that laying around.  An internal ultrasound? $1,100. 

Now, can anyone really sit there and say we don't need health care reform?  I am a hard working American, that pays for private care, and I am told that it is an "elective" to expand my family.  Seriously?  So basically, your lady parts have to be in 100% working order, or you have to be rich to have kids.  There is obviously no gray area here.  EPIC FAIL.

Now I am sitting here, plotting what I can do for the next month.  Do I go off the prescribed birth control and risk getting sick?  Do I put myself at risk?  We all know I would do that in a heartbeat.  I go to see Sebastian on the 8th, for what will probably be my last appointment.  I am going to beg him for the Clomid and Letrozole, just so I have it.  I can monitor myself.  I am a nurse by training so it shouldn't be too hard.  The bottom line is, health care in this country is an absolute joke.  I am at a loss of what my next step is, but hopefully I can get some help/answers on the 8th.

Thanks for having an ear, or not.  Until tomorrow......
~Courtney