And the walls, come tumbling down

At what point do you stop the incessant worrying?

When I finally got pregnant with Sully, I was so worried that something was going to go wrong, that I barely ever relaxed.  It didn't help that we had a placental abruption at 9 weeks and I was bleeding bright, red blood.  I was frightened.  After that point, I practically stared at the toilet paper every time I went. Every twinge made me panic, every lull in movement sent my brain to the dark place. 
Everyone kept saying that the worry would go away once he was born, and for the first day, it did.  Then of course his heart was not working, he was life flighted, there was open heart surgery; you know the rest.
Now, I am constantly checking to make sure he's breathing/moving/laughing/pooping etc at night.  I don't want to spend my life in a constant panic and dread, but I don't know how to stop myself.  I don't know what I would do with myself if he wasn't in my life.  He is the reason my heart beats.  He is the reason I inhale and exhale.  He is the reason I am still on this planet. I want nothing more than to be the most amazing mama, provider and friend that he could ask for.  I want him to look back at me when he is an adult and feel like he had the best life.

So, when will the worrying subside?  When will the pull at my heart stop?  Does it ever stop?  You worry about your kids for the rest of your life, but will it always be daily and so severe?  I realize that these are extreme circumstances because he has a piece of Gortex passing blood to his lungs; but I am praying and hoping that after this second surgery, I can finally take a big breath. Maybe I just need some reassurance and hugs right now.  I am not usually needy, but I guess I am just not at 100% today.
Thankfully, I have the best reason ever to smile:

My big boy! He is 16 weeks old today!  And in 6 month clothes!  He is growing so fast!