What rhymes with big, huge bloat?

I feel like a hot air balloon today. 

Every morning, I check my pregnancy tracker, and it kind of gives me an idea of what is going on inside that wacky uterus of mine.  I am in the middle of week 11 and apparently, this is the gassy week.  This is the week where I will do nothing but belch, pass gas, and be as bloated as the Snoopy float in the Macy's parade.
Most of you know I am intensely private about bathroom business and anything having to do with where and when one does their bathroom business.  I can barely pee in public restrooms, let alone do anything else.  I realize that some of these things come along with the miracle of growing another tax payer, but they are some of biggest social phobias. It is also the opposite of fun when in the morning, when I need to leave my office umpteenbillion times to stand in the bathroom and pass gas until I nearly faint from all the air leaving my body.  I sure you are laughing about this but maybe you're laughing because you know exactly what I am talking about.  Not exactly the glowing, sexy preggo that all of us dream about becoming.

Also, my cat decided to be a GIANT pain in my pregnant ass last night.  I'm not sure if he is feeling ignored or in some way slighted, but he was definitely trying to make his presence known last night.  It is already hard enough for my to sleep with my growing belly, the constant need to toot, and a husband that snores like trucker; the last thing I needed was a frenzied feline.  Bailey the cat decided to play the fun game of "I'm Going To Knock All Of Courtney's Stuff Off The Dresser."  I was curled up in my pillow when BAM!  My lotion and mousse were sent crashing to the floor.  I whispered-hollered for him to knock it off, and tried to get some sleep.  CRASH!  Off when my body spray and make up bag.  At this point now, I have been awake for a few minutes, so naturally, I had to pee.
When I came back into the room and got all settled yet again, Bailey decided it would be an awesome idea to tear apart our palm plant, leaf by leaf, rip it out from the root, and make a giant mess on my beautiful hardwood floors. 
As I got up to deal with that disaster, my alarm went off.  You have got to be kidding me?  5:00am already?  Needless to say, Bailey the cat will be finding himself sleeping in the basement this evening.  Thanks to Bailey's midnight antics, I will be dragging butt even more than usual today.   Thanks a heap, jerk.

Regardless of my energy levels, duty calls.  Courtney, Out.