I guess this is just the beginning.....

Well, hello out there.
My name is Courtney. I am 25 years old, and I married to my best friend in the entire world, Robert.
We have been married for a little over a year.
We knew right away that we were going to have children, and we felt pretty good about our preparedness. Robert and I both have full time jobs, we own our home, we have extensive retirement plans, and we have the know-how to become wonderful parents.
So, in October 2009, I went off the pill. Oh man, what a feeling that was. I was basically thinking OK, if we have sex now, I will be PREGNANT! I was positively giddy the entire first month, thinking for sure that I was pregnant.
Well, first period without birth control came on with a vengeance. I was slightly bummed, but I couldn't get too down, I mean, hey! It was my first month!

Robert and I continued to try for a few more months. One month my period was over a week late and I was so excited I could barely stand it. I took a HPT and it was negative! Grrr.. my period arrived the next day and I was really crushed about that. Up until that point, Robert and I hadn't shared our TTC aspirations with anyone, but after the late period had crushed us, we broke down and told my dad and step-mom. My dad and Step-mom, John and Sandy, are basically my best friends. Sandy has been there for me every step of the way and I don't know what I would do without my dad.
They were both so supportive and offered up there never-ending wisdom and advice. My dad, being ever so inspiring, tells me something I have had a hard time grasping; "Let go, and let God". That, my friends, is easier said than done.
I know God will choose my path, and my confidence in Him is strong, but it begs the question: Why not me? Why do all these people get to have children that abuse them, starve them, treat them horribly? While my loving husband and I are struggling so?
We decided to take my parents advice and not think about it. So we didn't.
In August, my period was once again late. UGH. I didn't even want to think about it. I kept telling myself not to get excited, but son of a gun, I was! Could this be it? Am I pregnant now? I took a HPT and the test was inconclusive. I decided to see my OB and get a blood test. I was told by so many people that some times the HGC doesn't always show up in the urine.
I was nervous to go in, but I did. I waited anxiously at work for the doctor to call with the results.
When I hadn't heard from her, I gave a call.
The doctor said that I had an egg that had implanted, and then decided not to stay put. And apparently, the embryo won't "expel" on it's own, so I was going to need to take medication for the next 10 days to help with the "expelling" process. (By the way, the receptionist kept using that work "expel" and I wanted to reach into the phone and rip her lips off. Like, "I am sorry your potential child you want to badly wont expel on it's own, you need drugs for that.")
That weekend was like a nightmare. And to make matters worse, my dear friend announced her pregnancy. Unplanned, and easy.
When they told me, it was like being hit in the face with a stack of bricks. I cried when she told me. Tears were 90% happy for her and 10% sadness for me. It makes me sick that I have jealousy issues, but I know they are normal feelings. She and her husband will be amazing parents and I am thrilled for them, but my heart still breaks for me.

Now here we are. September. I just got over my period a few days ago. Still no baby. So, I bit the bullet. I am seeing a specialist on Oct. 4. Apparently he delivered me. I guess if I survived, he must be OK. I am paranoid about seeing a male doctor, as I, like every other teen of the 90's, have seen "Hand that Rocks the Cradle".... sheesh. Although, this man is supposed to be the best of the best. Keep your fingers crossed.

I think the thing that makes writing this blog so easy, is that I am not sure anyone will see it. Maybe when I finally become pregnant, I will share it. But otherwise, it is like my own secret release. And for that, I am sublimely grateful.