Just my luck.

Defective.

That is how I feel sometimes.  Like I am damaged, but the thing is, I can't be returned for a new model; or refurbished to work better.  I am sure you are wondering what brought this on....

I received my fertility monitor yesterday.  I was so excited.  I could finally begin this new step in our TTC journey.  The way these monitors work is that you put in the batteries and then you don't turn it on or set the monitor until you want to set "the window." The window the the 6 hour time frame in the morning that you will need to perform a test.  I am up relatively early, so I was going to push the button at 6am this morning, which meant I could test between 3am and 9am on the days the monitor required a test. 

I spent a good hour or so last night studying the manual, making sure I knew exactly how it would work, and getting very excited to try it out.  I woke up this morning, put the batteries in, and hit the "ON" button.  The light flashed like it said and then some random icons popped up, and it immediately shut off.  Uh... OK, let's try that again.  So I pushed the "ON" button again.  Same thing.  "Well WTF?"  I thought to myself.  I just assumed I was doing it wrong and decided to call the company helpline.  I talked to a Dierdre at customer service and she determined that the icons that were popping up were alerting me that the unit was in fact, defective.  REALLY?!  Of course it is another road block.  Of course, the unit is defective.  Only happens to me, I swear!
I contacted Amazon.com and they are sending me a new one, and hopefully it works properly.  I know this isn't really a major issue, but it is just another thing that doesn't go right.  And especially when you are having difficulties TTC, you feel like a complete failure sometimes.  Like all these other women are just getting knocked up left and right, and I can't.  Like there is something wrong with me.  Isn't it my God given right to have kids?  Forget the right to bear arms, I want to bear children!

Amazon assures me that the new monitor will arrive tomorrow.  Let's hope they are right.
~Courtney

Are you deaf?

What a complete pain in the butt. 
So, I got word that I have all this money in my FSA that I need to spend before the year is out.  OK, great.  Then, I found out that the fertility monitor that Dr. S wants me to buy is covered.  Even more great. 
I spent all day Sunday going to Target, Walgreens, Walmart, everywhere, looking for it.  No one sells it in stores.
So when I got home, I went online and tried to buy it there.  For some reason, my flex card kept getting denied.  ANNOYING.
When I got to work yesterday, I asked our CFO if she knew anything about why my card was declined online.  She said she would check on it.  I got an email about 20 minutes later, that the card company requests that I call them.  OK FINE.

I call the company and I get this overly bubbly woman to deal with.  She asks me what I was trying to do.  I told her I was attempting to buy a fertility monitor and it was being denied.  I don't know if she just wasn't listening to me, or just wanting to be a pain, but she was like, "What were you trying to buy?" I say again, "a fertility monitor." "What?" Oh my gosh really..... "IT IS A FERTILITY MONITOR."
I felt like I had shouted the words to her. I loved announcing to all those near me that I have a failing womb.  Thanks lady.
She then checked and yes, lo and behold, it is covered (I file that under "Things I already knew for $500, Alex.")
I did find out that I would have to pay for it and request a reimbursement.  Fine.  I had already planned for that. 
As I am about to end the call with Senorita Pain is the Ass, she says, "Hey, so what is this monitor supposed to do then?"  Um... no.  We are not having this conversation.  Is she really asking me this right now? As my first reaction was to let this broad have it with both barrels, I bit my tongue and said, "It helps chart and show ovulation.  Thanks for your help."
End call.
I hate that fact that these companies feel like they can just ask you anything they want.  If it is covered, and it is MY employee contributions into the flex, it is NUNYA.  Thanks lady.
On a good note though, I found the monitor on Amazon for like $80 cheaper AND I bough an extra box of test sticks AND I got free 2 day shipping.  Bonus.  Thank God, considering I need to start using it on the 17th.
I suppose I better open the office and get this day on the road.  Have a good Tuesday!
~Courtney

Baby it's cold outside

Cold is an understatement.  It is absolutely FRIGID outside today!  I love when my state makes the national news because a town not too far from me is -32 degrees today.  Thanks International Falls!  I was bundled up like the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man this morning.  Wool sweater, parka, ear muffs, gloves, and a scarf.  I could barely put my stinkin' arms down! 
We were supposed to get a snowmageddon type blizzard this weekend but then, out of sheer luck, the snow went right below us.  Whew!  I really didn't want 20 inches of snow.  Minneapolis on the other hand... they got a wallop!  The snow was so bad that it collapsed the roof of the Metrodome!  I can't believe I survived a Sunday without watching football. 

Robert and I got the rest of our Christmas shopping done.  It was so cold yesterday, but I had to fight through it!  I got my sister some pajamas from Vickie's (it is so fun shopping for someone who is an extra small.... not) I got my mom her gift card, and my brothers and their girlfriends some gift cards, made my Christmas food shopping list, wrapped some presents, and then watched the Wild lose miserably to the Ducks. 

So, Dr. Sebastian told me to get this fertility monitor that is supposed to help and track my hormone levels.  It is Clear Blue Easy and it is like $200.  Now, I am not worried about the cost and I just found out I have over $300 in my flex I need to burn through until the end of the year.  I thought to myself, "OK awesome.  I will just go pick one up and I can use it this cycle."  Negative.  Not Walgreens, not Walmart, not Target; no one carries it.  You have to order it online, but of course your flex card won't work online because of the shipping charge!  UGH!  I don't want to have to do a paper reimbursement before Christmas!  That defeats the whole purpose of a flex card!!  Grr.  I am going to call Sebastian today and see if he knows where there are some in town or else I am just going to have to wing it. 

Another busy Monday is off to a crazy start.  Have a good Monday everyone!

Let's get mushy

Hey guys!

So, work has been kind of slow today, which I am totally OK with.  I needed a little break.  I am teetering on a burn out. 

With everything going on lately, I am realizing more and more, how luck I am to have such an amazing husband.  Some girls get straddled with these complete losers and I am lucky enough to be blessed with Robert.
Earlier today, I was having a rough day because a client was giving me a hard time and I was talking to Robert about it and I got an email from him with the lyrics to, "When I'm 64" by the Beatles.  It was so sweet that I teared up.  It is an amazing feeling to be loved so wholly and completely. 

When we got married, our song was "Finally Forever" by Chris Cornell, and obviously the inspiration for my blog name.  It is such an amazing song and I just love it.  It always brings me back to the day that I became a Mrs. to the best man in the world.

On the silent night so out of place
I almost lost my nerve
When I saw you walk into my space
A woman like you I could not replace
And it took some patience to catch your eye
Patience to win your heart

Now it feels like I don't have to worry at all
It's finally forever

There's no hill I would not climb for you
No bridge I wouldn't cross
Not a moment passes in my life
That you're not on my mind
Together or apart
And it took some patience to catch your eye
Patience to win your heart

Now it feels like I don't have to worry at all
It's finally forever

Anytime you're lost
Anywhere you're found
Anytime you want
I will be around
Anywhere you seek
Anywhere you stand
Anytime you fall
Anywhere you limp
Even if you break
Anytime I can I will be there for you
I know that you'll understand
You'll understand

Now I never would have imagined this
So I thank my lucky stars
As I see you in your wedding dress
Never would have guessed you'd fill my open arms
And it took some patience to catch your eye
Patience to win your heart

Now it feels like I don't have to worry at all
Yeah it feels like I don't have to worry at all
Yeah it feels like I don't have to worry at all
It's finally forever
Finally forever

Isn't that just beautiful?  I just love my husband and I am so grateful that I will have him by my side as long as I walk on this earth.  I am sending lots of love and positivity into this world.
Have an amazing weekend everyone!  We are getting a blizzard here so I am cuddling in with that outstanding husband of mine and snuggling all weekend!
~Courtney 

Finally some good news!

Whew.  I can finally breathe a slight sigh of relief!  I had my appointment with Dr. S this morning, and to say I was anxious about it would be the understatement of the century.  I could barely sleep.  Then I was fidgety all morning.  I just kept thinking to myself, "Please, please, please.  This HAS to be the day that I can finally get a step forward instead of all these giant leaps back."

When I got to his office, I just had a good feeling.  I can't really explain it, but it was very calming.  The nurse came and got me and I was taken to my usual room.  How sad is that?  I am there so much that I have a "usual" room.  Any how, Doc came in with his handy, dandy internal ultrasound and we started the exam.  I don't think I will get over how uncomfortable those things are.  I felt like he was going to poke it out of my belly button!
I was barely breathing, thinking he was going to say, "the cyst is still a behemoth.  Take some more birth control."  But then it came.  SUCCESS!  My cyst had shrunk to  nearly nothing and I could start the Letrozole next week!  I can't fully tell you how amazing that moment was.  I just cried out of sheer joy.  I finally felt like we were getting somewhere.

After I hopped off the table and got dressed, he came in to discuss the plan.  I am going to start the Letrozole next week, during my cycle, and then on Dec. 22, I go in for a hysterosalpingogram.  What a mouth full huh?  Basically, they are going to put a catheter in my lady station and give my fallopian tubes a little dye rinse.  Like a radiator flush for the lady business.  It is going to be rather painful I am told, but I am willing to do anything.  And besides, I get a pregnancy test that morning so if I am pregnant by the 22nd, who knows!  Maybe I won't even need it!  I am trying to stay really positive here.  Then I have another appointment on the 29th for a post coital ultrasound.  Fun.  Needless to say, Robert is not going to like the uber scheduled sex.  "Wake up honey!  It is sex-thirty!"

I am really trying to stay optimistic here.  This is the first round of good news I have had.  It also made it so nice when I called my dad and he was so happy.  He said it made it day.  That statement completely made my day as well.  Love you, Dad.

So everyone out there, keep your fingers crossed, your prayers prayin', and your good vibes coming!
~Courtney

Has anyone seen my motivation?

Monday morning is here again.  How come the weekends are zooming by so quickly? 

I have been doing a lot of thinking since we are coming to the end of 2010.  I thought for sure I would be pregnant by now.  When Robert and I first starting trying, we thought that 2010 would be our year.  Either we would become parents, or on our way to being parents.  Here we are in December, and we are no closer to that dream.  I know I have been thinking about it way too much lately.  Almost letting it consume every minute of my thoughts.  Doctors, theologists, and just about everyone else says that you need to just quit thinking about it and it will happen.  Yea, right.  I will try not to think about the giant pink elephant in my living room either.  Anyway, I have been trying to get my mind off of it.  I throw myself into work, and Christmas, and my home.  I am chairperson for our annual fundraiser, I am taking on extra work, things around my house are getting done with more gusto than usual, and I am awesomely ahead of the game on the Christmas front. 
Also, when you are TTC, your sex life kind of turns into an assignment.  There is set times, dates, and a purpose.  The spark almost goes out of it.  And of course nothing is more romantic than a reminder popping up on your outlook telling you to do the nasty with your hubby.  HOT.
So last night, I lit some candles, played some nice music, and really made it romantic.  And let me tell you ladies, it was wonderful.  I have to try and remember that this is just as hard on Robert and we all need a little a little TLC everyone once and a while.

I have a busy week coming up, but right smack dab in the middle, is my appointment with Dr. Sebastian on Wednesday.  The constant state of "hurry up and wait" is enough to drive a person bonkers.  I did get a bright spot though.  Some of my appointments were coded differently and will still be covered as of 2011.  Hopefully Sebastian will finagle things for me. :-)

Now all I need is a little get up and go this morning and I will be just fine.  Considering it is a Monday  and I work at a non-profit law firm, I am sure it will be insanity.  Thank goodness for the candy cane I swiped my the office candy bowl.  A little peppermint will do some good.

Have a good Monday all!
~Courtney

This is gonna be a rant.....

I am just going to tell you now that I am beyond furious and this will be a short, little rant.  If you don't want to hear it, I suggest you don't continue to read.

Everyone who knows me, knows that I am a raging Democrat with some conservative tendencies.  Here in Minnesota, we have the world's worst governor, Tim "T-Paw" Pawlenty.  He is a republican waste of space and I can't stand that thought that he is somewhere in my state, breathing my good air.  Earlier this year, T-Paw got the brilliant idea to cut GMAC, General Assistance Medical Care.  GMAC is the medical care you get through the county, the welfare health care plan.  People living on Social Security, or a fixed income of another kind, rely on this health care to take care of them.  Well, good old T-Paw didn't like that idea.  I mean, do poor people really deserve health care?  Not in T-Paw's eyes.  So he slashed it.  Obviously there was some uproar about this as hundreds of thousands of people were now going to lose their health care coverage.  Being the obviously generous guy that he is, T-Paw relented and decided that GMAC would be accepted at four, yep... only FOUR hospitals in the STATE.  And all of them are in the Twin Cities area. 

So, if these people can't pay a health care premium, how on earth are the going to afford commuting to Minneapolis/St. Paul?  They answer?  They can't.  And even if they could, GMAC at these four hospitals won't cover preventative care, just an emergency.  So let's say you have pink eye.  Easily diagnosed, cured with a topical antibiotic.  No more running into your primary doctor, who you trust, for a quick appointment and prescription; now, you have to travel to the cities, wait for hours in the emergency room, and then see someone for five minutes to write you the same prescription.  And as we all know, emergency rooms visits cost WAY for than preventative care.  Way to go, Governor.

I know I have a way of making a long story even longer, but it was all of that to say this.  Recently, renewals for my company's health insurance was coming due again.  We are currently with Health Partners and the coverage is great.  We pay a hefty sum for it, but our employer pays a lot more.  Our insurance has been a life saver, especially with our TTC troubles.  Last week, our Executive Director sent out and email that stated that the State of Minnesota and the insurance companies decided to put some "exclusions" on coverage now.  Some of the 2011 exclusions are:
Treatment for Sleep Apnea
Correction of TMJ
Acupuncture
Weight Loss Surgery
And........
.............................. any and all infertility treatments.
Yep.  No more coverage.  It doesn't matter that I pay out the ass for coverage, just, NOPE. No coverage for you.
I became so enraged and sad.  What were were gonna do?  Without treatment, I am not sure my body can sustain a pregnancy.  I called the insurance company to delve further into the issue.  And you know what the company and the state told me?  It was "not medically necessary to have children, it is an elective."

::Insert steam coming out of my ears here::

Robert and I's only option is private pay.  Average cost of a year of fertility treatments?  $15,000.  I sure don't have that laying around.  An internal ultrasound? $1,100. 

Now, can anyone really sit there and say we don't need health care reform?  I am a hard working American, that pays for private care, and I am told that it is an "elective" to expand my family.  Seriously?  So basically, your lady parts have to be in 100% working order, or you have to be rich to have kids.  There is obviously no gray area here.  EPIC FAIL.

Now I am sitting here, plotting what I can do for the next month.  Do I go off the prescribed birth control and risk getting sick?  Do I put myself at risk?  We all know I would do that in a heartbeat.  I go to see Sebastian on the 8th, for what will probably be my last appointment.  I am going to beg him for the Clomid and Letrozole, just so I have it.  I can monitor myself.  I am a nurse by training so it shouldn't be too hard.  The bottom line is, health care in this country is an absolute joke.  I am at a loss of what my next step is, but hopefully I can get some help/answers on the 8th.

Thanks for having an ear, or not.  Until tomorrow......
~Courtney